Kill Tony #750

When I first graduated college, I was just doing random stuff to make money. I tried sell selling edibles. You, you ever get so high, you forget you sell drugs and just end up running a nonprofit. It's kind of what happened. I couldn't afford to go on vacation, so I was just teaching myself how to lucid dream. See Hawaii at night, I guess I feel like if I had more money, my standards for guys would be a little bit higher. Like a friend of mine, she had a one night stand with a guy and he bought her a plan B. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me. 'cause if a guy bought me a plan B, I'd be like, damn, you would make…

How's it going? My name is Remy Sweis. I'm of Middle Eastern descent. Both my parents are from Jordan. And on top of that, I'm from Oklahoma City. I was born and raised in Oklahoma and that makes me a Southern Arab gentleman. That means I allow my women to work next to me rather than 10 steps behind everywhere we go. I might even hold her hand. My favorite sport is baseball. And I always wondered how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East? You know, here in America we got the Sandlot, middle East, lots of sand. Love that. So I'm Arabic, right? I'm Arabic. Arabic. That means my pronouns are he jb. Now Major League baseba…

I'm so stressed out guys. Ah, the other day I got flashed by the homeless guy. By a homeless guy with the biggest blackest cock I'd ever seen in person. Shout on Mia Khalifa. He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cocktail was so big. I thought to myself, how is this guy homeless? How is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place this guy should have a mansion and before I knew it, he started a helicopter dick at me. And it was so big I could hear the sound. Whoa. The motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself and before I knew it, he took flight and as if God was calling him to heaven, just he star…

What's up guys? I was raised really poor, just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us though. They would. They would always say shit like it's national leftover hamburger Helper Day. It's like it's been national leftover hamburger Helper Day for five nights in a row. Man, whatcha you trying to pull on us? I, I figured it out though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost $45 and my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it. Right. Like, but I was seven years old man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh I cannot get sick. We, we are not a minute clinic famil…

What's up guys? I was raised really poor, just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us though. They would. They would always say shit like it's national leftover hamburger Helper Day. It's like it's been national leftover hamburger Helper Day for five nights in a row. Man, whatcha you trying to pull on us? I, I figured it out though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost $45 and my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it. Right. Like, but I was seven years old man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh I cannot get sick. We, we are not a minute clinic famil…

So I'm still mad at Obama for not using, once you go black you never go back. For his reelection slogan, it was right there and it would've opened up the door for Trump to use. Orange is the new black. And then Kabbalah could have kept it going with, aren't you glad I'm not Biden? And then in a few years RFK can run on the slogan. Orange juice is giving liver cancer to children. You know. And I Google a lot of stuff. Like the other day I Googled whether come goes when you get a vasectomy. I didn't know. And for those of you don't know, when you get a vasectomy, they cut the tube that connects the balls to the outside and you can'…

Oh, what's up Austin? I'm happy to be here man. Happy to be outta the house. Girl's mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone. Message popped up, she looked at it. She goes, who's Amber? I was like, bitch, a kid is missing. Alright. I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim but I'm not. I got a white mom, she's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now. Okay. But like, And I grew up in a small town in Canada, 3000 people. So Muslim people, they passed me and they're like, Oleum. I'm like, dingdong dude, I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom very white. She's very white. She's like I said, she's on a…

Yeah. Oh man. I was raised in the ghetto and I hate the ghetto. The ghetto stole Christmas from me, like physically and mentally at the same time, about a week before Christmas, they came and took everything that, like, even our decorations. And then my whole family was downstairs and they were crying. But then I looked at my cousin Deli and because we were both like six years old and we had like a child like innocence, we both realized it doesn't matter, Santa's still coming. And so we started getting kind of happy and kind of dancing. And my grandma was like, why the fuck are you dancing over there? And I was like, grandma Sant…

I dunno if you guys could tell I'm nervous. Ah, but I gotta, I gotta let some off my chest. For real. Oh, I don't donate to thrift stores. I'm gonna be honest. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't, I'm I'm poor and growing up, you know, I, I grew up in a small town. You think I wanna see my neighbor two fricking streets down rocking my hand-me-downs better than me. Fuck that. Yeah. Growing up poor. I was also raised by my grandma. I'm based at Kur of Cowie, Dominican. No, no cur of Cowie dog fans in here. Fuck you. But growing up poor with my grandma, she would always have me reusing grocery store bags as like tiny tr…

A little girl once asked me if I was from Whoville. What? Okay. What, what. Is happening? Are y'all having bowel movements? Yeah. Cool. The last guy I dated, I called Daddy because he too forgot my birthday, ghosted me and said I was too loud in bed. But I'm finally dating somebody that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three if we count my mouth.

Okay. I realize that I, I do look like I would never turn down a foot long. Okay. I do hate Subway though. I think it's overrated. Any Subway fans in here? Okay, a couple. I think it, it's overrated, but also like I, I just think their subs suck. I, I, I think like, I hate Subway because they manage to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel, the subway guy, we all remember him. Right. Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogel, the subway guy, lost over 250 pounds by only eating subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying weight loss is what? Diet and exercise. Okay. I've never fucked a kid, but I ima…

Wow. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me into this. On this stage of this free speech zone where I could say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out in old free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Can you believe there's things I can't say today in America? For example, Arnold, PA, Arnold Pa, fuck Arnold, PA Arnold. You know that drink? It's like half sweet tea, half lemonade, Arnold Pa. Fuck. I can't say it. Wish they'd change it. You know, to something I can say like, I don't know, like retard water. You know, I can say that anytime I want…

Who is the luckiest man in America. Amy Schumer's husband. She's divorcing him. Okay. I was driving through Oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs that said, do not pick up hitchhiker. They may be escaped prisoners. What? So there are just so many escape prisoners in Oklahoma that motorists need to be warned. Here's an idea. Use less steal on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Beethoven's fifth Symphony is when he really sold out his first EP though. Shit. I wrote a summary of Jesus' sermon on the mound And I think I'm just gonna call them Cliff notes. Okay. Tha…