Kill Tony #715

I was I was on the road and a lady D and me and she said hey I'll show you around town and my pussy. I was like damn this city offers great tours. What a package deal. Not too many to see you know, you might be stretching this out. Or smoking during pregnancy because monsters are cool, too. You know and what you see on that stuff kid, you're like, hey his parents are chill. Let's drink. When I was a kid. The tooth fairy was coming. So I put my grandfather's dentures underneath my pillow with a note that said here's a full set. I included the gums.

Hey, what's up guys? Wow. Wow. Let's get this outta the way. I don't know if you guys can tell, but I am a man. I know you thought I was a lunch lady, but yeah, I am a man. But I get called Ma'am a lot. I'll go to the drive through, I'll order my food and they'll be be like, okay, can I get anything else for you ma'am? I always panic a little bit. I'm like, no, no. Then I get up to the window, they're looking at me all confused. They're like, I thought you were a lady. I'm like, yeah, she's in the trunk. I got here to Nashville yesterday and I smoked some weed. Hell yeah. And I had the best meal of my entire life. You guys ever t…

So I got high as hell the other day and started watching Forrest Gump and I realized why that movie is so timeless. 'cause women are whores and men are retarded. Huh? You chill out buddy. Alright, so I'm a nineties baby. I'm a big fans of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I think the Power Ranger badass. Huh? Y'all know what else is badass abortion? Hell yeah. I think the, I think abortion clinics are stealing the Power Ranger's thunder. Right? Ozzy get over here. Ozzy come here because abortion clinics, they'll be like, dude, the patient will get out on the desk and they'll be like, you ready? You ready? And the abortion doctors…

Has anybody here ever taken the am I gay test on Facebook? If not, don't bother. It's 35 minutes of gay porn. And once you get to the end, there aren't even any questions. I checked twice my grandpa, he, he used to babysit me, but now I babysit him. I took him to buy some groceries and in the middle of the aisle he goes, $5 for a bag of Doritos. Back in my day, I could get my dick sucked for a dollar. I said, grandpa, you can't, you can't trick me like that anymore.

Hell, thank you. Hell yeah. Thank you. That's all I, I just realized something about myself. I don't like, I don't like phone sex. I was having phone sex with my girlfriend. We was on FaceTime and she was playing with herself and I'll be in my meat and then she was like, can I use a toy? And I was like, yeah, no problem. You can use a toy. And then she pulled out an 11 inch green dildo and I was flabbergasted. Really? Dog. Understand something bitch. I said a toy not, Hulk's dick, you dirty bitch. It's clobbering time. Dumb ass bitch. That's crazy. And like listen. I'm fine with my girlfriend having like toys to use Play pleasa…

What's up Bridgestone? How we doing? I can't believe I'm gonna say this to an arena, but it's my wife's time of the month right now. Not her period. That's just what I call it When she covers 100% of our bills. It's pretty emasculating. I'm the one who can't fuck for a week. I thought moving in together would solve the problem. But our pay periods haven't synced up yet. Mine's late. Are you kidding me? Shut the fuck up. Why Boo? Yeah, she's, she's four years younger than me, my wife. Okay, never mind.

As someone who works in the field of marine biology, sometimes people ask me about sea level rise because that's a scary thing you hear about. And I have to say, I'm not really all that worried about our ocean levels like rising up because for me I just see that as job growth. You know, like my, I'm just getting more to explore. My career is growing at an alarming rate of a quarter inch a year. Which to put that into perspective, that's the same rate that my hair is falling out. So if you see me in like a year from now, now you can look at the top of my head and then decide if you still really wanna invest in that ocean front pro…

Hell yeah. So I did recently get engaged. I I really use the hell outta my Make-A-Wish I'm marrying John Cena. Oh my God. No, my, my fiancé, he is like a good bit older than me and the only like, okay. The only real difference I've noticed there is when I give him road head, I guess all head I give is kinda road head. When I give him road head though, he will turn his hazards on like, what the fuck? Safety first. Yeah. Thank y'all so much.

Yeah, so I've been doing comedy for about a year and a half, give or take. And you know, people, they ask you how do you come up with jokes? What's your writing process? Sorry, I'm out of breath, but, and I tell 'em Well, it's pretty simple man. It's a lot like my ex, you know, after a few drinks they really start hitting me, you know, you know, I'm built kind of like Bugs Bunny, but you know, I eat more than carrots. I eat ass too. Yeah, you eat ass. Hell yeah. I also kind of look like Jesus if he sold fentanyl, you know? Yeah. I don't get it. Like, he's kind of gaslighting us talking about, oh, I came back from the dead in thre…

Fun fact, I'm not racist. In fact, my ex-wife is black. We were married for eight years, three kids together. And just because I hate that bitch doesn't mean I hate all black people. It's case by case. Another fun fact, I used to fuck my couch. Oh yeah. When I was a kid. I fucked the shit outta that couch. The problem is I trained on this couch and the cushions go straight up and down just like this. And that's how I trained. I'd lay on top and punched straight down. So when I got my first piece of pussy, my angles were off pussy's. More of an upshot, right? So I had this poor girl laying on the bed and I'm just laying on top of…

I was walking home last night and guys will notice feeling, you know when you are walking late at night and you're like, behind the woman you don't know and you're walking the same direction and there's that tension. She turns left. You turn left, she turns right, you turn right and you're kind of in a rush. But you also don't want to seem like an assailant. It gets really strange. You know, when you notice that she knows you are there as well. The body language changes a little bit. They start clutching the bag, warming up the hamstrings. And then there's a really tense moment. You know, like when they finally look and now you l…

Ah, how we doing tonight? It's weird. I'm 23. I'm from Pittsburgh and I live with a roommate and it's weird having, being an adult male with an adult male roommate because some nights I'll be at work and I, I work overnight so I don't get home till 2:00 AM and he'll text me like, Hey, there's a fresh batch of brownies on the counter. Don't forget to clean up after yourself. It feels like living with a wife sometimes. And other times I'll wake up at one 30 in the morning and I'll open my door and he'll just be standing there looking at me like that. Like, Hey, did this look infected to you? What? It's okay. It's okay to have those…

I'm sick of this body positivity shit. They tried to make it real popular a few years ago with Lizzo and even she was tired of being a fat bitch. She lost weight. They tried to make us start feeling bad for fat people again this year. And I'm a fat person. I don't think the world should accommodate big back motherfuckers. You know the, y'all saw that shit where that fat ass girl tried to sue Uber because she couldn't fit in the car. It is like, bitch, you know, you ordered the wrong size Uber. You should have ordered a tow truck. You know you can't let nobody that size get in your car, that bitch get in your car, your fucking oil…

Hey, so I, I seen a video of a guy killing a bear with a blow dark gun the other day. Yeah. 'cause that's what pops up when you type in. Guy blows Bear Nashville. We shave our balls in here. We shave in our balls. Yeah. Yeah. I, I like to do mine with a straight razor act like I'm holding my dick hostage. I start saying weird shit and I'm like, you know how I got these scars? My dick looks up like circumcision. Oh man, you guys, this crowd probably doesn't have to imagine, but imagine getting into the Ku Klux Klan and finding out you're not a racist. How embarrassing is that? You gotta get the tattoo covered up. Just says JKKK. H…

Y'all could tell I was probably addicted to cocaine at some point in my life and I quit, but summer's coming, so we'll see. You know, we'll fucking see. It sucks quitting shit. You're great at. Listen, I'm great at cocaine. I can turn a Sunday fun into a no call show. No. Monday ain't a motherfucking instant. You hear me? I had to quit and started smoking pots and this little hippie bitch here. She all right, shut up. Listen. She smokes this shit called dabs. Y'all ever done dab? God? Well listen for those. Y'all don't know what dabs are. It is the highest rated THC that basically when you smoke dabs, it gives you down syndrome f…

Hello. Hello. I'm too short for this. Hello. So I just got engaged to a comedian, which was really fun until I realized very quickly that date night equals open mic night and weekend away equals waking up at 6:00 AM getting in my car, driving eight hours to the Bridgestone Arena parking lot for the KILL TONY show. So that was my, that's my weekend away. How fun. No. Yeah. So I didn't come into comedy for the things that, you know, people usually do. Money, fame, women, single ladies. Yeah. No, I, I just really wanted to be included in his hobby. Isn't that fun? Well, anyway. Well, so, you know, he needed a host and I'm not afraid…

Nashville. The weirdest thing happened to me today. I flew in on Delta and we did not crash, but shit, you got this bullshit. Virginia Gey, the girl Jeffrey Epstein gave to Prince Andrew to have sex with when she was 16, got hit this week by a school bus going 80 miles per hour. And my only question is, where in the hell did Hillary Clinton find a school bus that goes 80 miles per hour? You know that bitch ain't no scuba. And you know, Keanu Reeves was driving that motherfucker saying the bus can't go under 50 miles an hour. I don't know if anybody realizes this, but three out of the four coaches in the final four are Jewish. I m…