Kill Tony #689

You know what I did recently? I had sex with my ex, woo. Highly recommend it. That shit is the best. We went back to her place, I saw her pussy like an old friend. There he is. Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex, cuz you know that pussy, you know all the buttons. It's like playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 again. Cuz that's the worst when you start dating somebody new, you get that new pussy. You're like what the fuck. New pussy is like switching to android. And you're like, why is it green? Cuz that's the worst when you start dating somebody new, guys don't have that, like dick is the best, overall. Because it's universal. Dick…

2024, crazy year. OJ Simpson and Nicole are back together again! Didn't see that one coming, I really didn't see that one coming at all. Recently I went to Five and Below, and I was a little confused, because I almost spent $27, but I only tried to buy 3 things. Now, I'm half white, so part of me just wanted to go straight Karen. But then I realized I'm half black, so I just stole the shit. Fuck Five and Below. Is it me or should more gay men be running these hot dog eating contests. I feel like they practice more.

I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis. There's so many things you can do with it. You can talk out of the little hole, you can go "meemeemeemee [mimes pinching"], you can do that. You can put your glasses on out. You can make the man with the big nose you know that guy. But my favorite thing to do above all is to beat it til it cries, who's with me Las Vegas? It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table, I don't know why it's such a lovely experience. But I realise I never smile when I do it, does...[looks at crowd] does anyone do that? Nah it's this thing I love to d…

So I'm not homophobic, but I just hate that those bastards have kinda reclaimed the rainbow. I used to love the rainbow. That shits gay now. I recently found out that the g-spot is in the asshole, like what's up with that. Like I believe in God, but I don't understand why an omnipotent creator would put a cum button right up in my asshole and not except me to go searching. And If I do I go to hell, and they give him a really cute name, like sodomy or whatever. Recently I've tried to figure out, who is going to be cumming first, is it the top or the bottom, so I've been watching a lot of gay porn, like trying to figure it out. And…

Y'all watch the Olympics? That shit was crazy as hell man, they had breakdancing in the Olympics. In 4 years those n*ggas gonna be shooting crack. "These goddamn Germans can really roll a seven George". Hell yeah Netflix, I'm sick of Netflix they ripping us off. I'm glad I'm stealing they shit. They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies mann. They bad then they got hte voice over on them. Voice over shitty as hell. Like French voice-overs. Who watch French movies? That's like watching gay porn, don't nobody wanna see that shit. The thang is if you gonna give us voice overs and they gonna be that bad voice overs, at least ma…

Hey guys, I'm Tommy, and I hate fucking kids. Nahh I don't hate fucking kids, I just fucking hate kids. I would describe myself as a dink. Double income no kids. [Boos start breaking out]. So I just had a vasectomy, anybody here got a vasectomy? So I got to the doctor, he tells me to snip and snip, and charged me 200 bucks to masturbate and count my sperm. Speaking of kids, I really don't wanna have kids I just had a complication in my family, my brother in law just had some trouble in the hospital [boos get so loud he has to stop].

Vvvviva Las Vegas. They lost my luggage. My only choice was this vvvvvest, or Dddddora the Explorer. And I don't look good in booty shorts. I've been here for 245 hours. I've been mmmmmmmmm mmmmarried, and divorced. It was Mmmmmmmexican, so I couldn't get a greencard. I was kicked out, of the cccccccasino. I didn't understand the mmmmmmmmmeaning of taking a chhhhhhhhip dump at the crap table.

So they only gave me like 60 seconds up here. But don't worry, because 60 seconds is a long time. I feel like I've said that before, that 60 seconds is a long time. Anybody else here ejaculate prematurely. Ladies you can laugh, I bust quick but I don't have any shame about it. Because after 60 seconds, I'm ready for round 2. I not here to brag, that's not what this is. But one time, I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes. I just wish someone else was there to see it. So I actually made you guys a video, Redban can we hit the big screen.

I have a dog. Not a dog, a Shih tzu poodle, that's not a dog. Shih tzu poodles to me are like K-pop bands. They're adorable, but if I hit one with my car I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. They all have these cute little name, people call them shoodles, I call this one a shitpoo. Especially because she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels. Shitpoo is actually what we called grandma near the end. It's a joke we never called grandma near the end. She didn't have any money why waste her time. I wanna get a pit bull. I love pit bulls, and a lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog and it's bullshit it'…

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song. It goes like, "who runs the world, Jews. Who runs the world, Jews [sings]". So I like to run my life like a coming of age story, but the coming hasn't really happened yet. Uhm so, I'm still a virgin, obviously. And I used lines like, "hey you wanna see my Hebrew National with a side of matzo balls, and maybe we'll make the soup later you know?". Or something like, "ey you wanna see my space laser, it's got big white beams". Oh and I got one more thing. You guys know terrorism is trendy now, yeah like people are getting tramp stamps that say "I love Hamas" and…

Listen here. I volunteered to coach a little league baseball team down there in Austin there this summer. And by volunteer I mean it was court-ordered. But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games. Any single mothers in here? Yeah, I can smell ya bitch. Like thanksgiving leftovers ya goddamn right I can. And listen I love me a good single mother now, the more kids the better. I need that pussy wallowed out. If that pussy don't look like a mudflap on the back of a 18-wheeler just blowing around in the breeze. I just don't want no part in it. Cuz Imma be honest with y'all. Tight pussy makes me claustrophobic ya k…

Excited to be here but I have to get this off my chest. My brother owns a restaurant, it's called the Asian Palate. And three times in one year, there are victims or some racist vandalism. Last time it happened someone carved out on the wall, F-U-C-K Asians, which was very upsetting for out family because clearly it was premeditated. Clearly someone went there with hate and intent. Because you can't go someone called the Asian Palate, and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food. It's called the Asian Palate, its not a surprise its in the name. Its like when I go to the Cracker Barrel. I can't go to he Cracker Barrel and act s…

Reeeeeh. Hey when I was a kid if there was fentanyl in the pills, we just did less pills. We didn't throw the baby out with the bathwater... We just did a little less pills. My pronouns are bi-onical, nobody gets me, its tragic. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight, somebody slipped me some ketamine and I woke up in Bagdad. Allah-what-akbar. It's actually funny you bring that up, what does ketamine feel like - good question. Ketamine kinda feels like... have you ever woken up in the middle of n the night because your dog is barking at the closet? So it's like that but you're the dog. And you…

Just had that fourth kid. Yeah that post-vasectomy baby. Yeah that miracle baby as my wife calls it. That kid doesn't look anything like me. I'm pretty sure he's Mexican guys. So I named him after my best friend Diego. Seemed fitting. No we adopted that one you assholes. yeah he's a rescue. Favourite thing I've learnt, you guys can take it home tonight. You can hit any kid you want. Doesn't have to be yours. All you've gotta do is yell bees first. "BEE BEE KILLER BEES".

It's great to be here at Resorts World, I love the giant screen you have on the building. I'm staying in Bert Kreischer's left nipple. Haitians are eating cats now. I didn't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet the whole time. Apparently they're bad at driving too, they're taking everything from us. I feel like an Italian in the 60s.. I'm going to be white soon. The only thing they haven't taken is the little dick thing. I hear crashing into cars and eating cats is big dick energy. Unlike Haitians my family eats cats year round, not just during election season.

Speaking of drifty and a lot of cats going missing, I'm what's known as a recovering mild mangling muff-muncher. Weird way to say that I date guys now. And I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues. I know you're not in therapy, that's why we're here together, and with that in mind, I gotta tell you I'm so impressed with the lineup I've seen, and with the people coming and going. Because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard. And a lot of it has to do with getting warmer outside and there's a great migration from our warzone San dais. A lot of you are mad because of unh…

That last bitch was terrible she was horrible. She was very bad, but she has a fast ass, so at least give her that one dog. I know I talk about cities everywhere I go to I talk about cities I go, and I like Vegas, but it's fucking terrible... you do know that right? Vegas is like if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it. It's still a piece of shit though dog, you know what I'm saying. Y'all live in the middle of the fucking dessert dog it's terrible. I'll tell you this, I tell you my outfit for tonight. My shirt says I'm just here to glorify god, and my hat says death to all white women. I used to be a scammer for a lon…

I've got some huge news, I've got a new job at the new crypto mining facility they built in Memphis. [cough cough] Excuse me, I'm already suffering from silicone lung. Weirdly enough P Diddy's cellmate is the crypto crux Sam Bankman Fried, wait Bitcoin, more like Butcoin. P Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he will get poisoned, and I gotta tell y'all I think he's right. Since when did Kevin Heart start working in the prison system. Quick housekeeping note I'm starting a cult, if interested please see me after the show. Remember the book Curious George and his friend the man with the yellow hat. You know what tha…