Kill Tony #777

That sounded unseasoned. Yeah, I was Mormon until I was 13, and then I left the church because I found out that they didn't let black people into heaven. And I love Wesley Snipes, so if Blade can't go to heaven, and I can't see but donka-dunk in the afterlife, oh, yeah. Hell yeah, 10 years later, I rejoined the church because I got brain damaged. and God sent a woman from Lubbock, Texas, who was selling solar panels of San Antonio. She said, Drew, if you get baptized, I will give you a blow chop. And when the Lord gets you a sign, when he gets you a vessel that'll take you to the Promised Land, you act on it, can I get a halleluj…

How's everybody doing? My name? Hell yeah. My name's Robert. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, which means I'm conservative. That's right. I'm pro-life. Unless she's pregnant with my kid, then fuck that baby. Hell yeah, guys, am I right? $500 in a trip to Kansas City. Saves me a lifetime of hurt. Anyways, I just recently got my charges expung so I can legally purchase firearms. Hell yeah. Felon. I hear you. Anyways, I went to a gun shop to buy a gun, and it reminds me a lot of going to coffee shop. God damn, I'm nervous. It reminds me of going to a coffee shop with my ex-girlfriend. Like, I want a tall caramel macchiato, extra f…

I had a weird day. I found a guy jerking off my mom's attic for a while. I also used to be a drug addict, but y'all could tell. Yeah, I don't have this spoon tattooed on my arm because I really fucking love soup, dude. And sometimes when I talk about it, people want to ask me if I ever did any gay stuff for drugs. always just like, yo, where are you guys getting your drugs? I've never seen a hundred dollars a gram or five kisses. Then that's the only addiction people are comfortable asking that for too. Right? Like, you'd never go up to a big guy eating a twinkie and be like, say, brother, did you suck a dick for that thing today…

I'm from El Paso, Texas. Fuck, way. I go to U-TEP. I'm a U-Tip minor, and I'm sitting in class, way, I'm like, what the fuck will we call the U-Tip minors? It makes no sense. And I came to a conclusion. It's because our football team gets molested every weekend, way. They fucking suck. They play Texas, bro, and they got fucked. And it sucks, because I'm from El Paso, you know? There's like, they're deporting my cousins and shit. right? I'm over here like, we're deporting the wrong people. We should deport the fucking running back. The fucking coach, send them back where they come from, like Florida, North Carolina, because at lea…

Who's ever fucked and illegal? The younger, the better, right? I like fucking illegals because if the relationship goes bad you don't even have to block them. You can call them and say the relationship has gone south and so are you. We freed the slaves. When are we going to free the N-word? Yo, y'all, my pussy's soaking wet tonight. Any wet pussy's pussy's hat? My pussy is soaking wet with period blood. You think black, black, girls have regular periods or they on time? Are they late?

Oh, shit. You're struggling. I'm having a hard, tough week. Got kicked out of a casino last night. Playing blackjack. There's a guy playing next to me with a prosthetic arm. Like, hey, buddy. Haven't you lost enough? You don't appear to be the lucky type. I'm a practical joker. I love this. a gun shop, asked to see some handguns. They'll lays them across the counter. I'll pick one up and go, hmm. Nah. Let me see that one. Oh, that feels good. That looked good to you. Yeah, you wrap that up for me. Oh, and give me one bullet. That's right. I'm going to charge that. I was like, ah, we're going to need cash for that. I'm like, fine.…

Yeah, that was me on that AI video getting arrested in Japan. I did that. They took it away from me. But now I'm back in the greatest country in the world. United States of America. God, I love it. What I don't like is when I landed, I feel like this country is getting way too soft. Like, there's people online trying to talk shit about me going to jail, but that's not even the first time I went to jail. So I wasn't that worried about it, nor was anybody who loved me because everybody who I've met in my entire life went to jail. Like, that's where you go to become a stronger person. And I knew it was a weak-ass nigga comment becau…

I've been doing stand-out comedy for 11 years now. So that means for 11 years I've been drinking nothing but PBR. Anybody here that drink shitty beers, we all drink it because we have one thing in common. We're not drinking it for the taste. Same way we don't eat booty for the taste. We do it due to insufficient funds. I'm actually doing better than my older brother. He's a parkour artist. If you don't know what that is, it's the art of throwing or your parents hoping dreams out of the window. My little sister, she's the most successful one in the whole entire family. She's a gastro-intestinal doctor. intestinal doctor. And she's…

First cherry when I was 15 years old. I've been slapping ass for 54 fucking years. Had everything from jail bait to myths. These days I'm working for grifts. Grandmothers I'd like to fuck. This lady now, she's a great, great-grandmother. Makes me a great-great-grandmother fucker. No, no, no, she's 69 years old, y'all. Told me her day she was a cougar. I said, hell, baby, at your age, you're a saber-tooth. No, but she showed me a sex move. Can't no young woman show you. How many y'all ever heard of a sex move called a 138? 138. That's when you have 69 with a 69-year-old. I give you slow fuckers time, do them. math. My man.

My buddies and I took a trip the other day and I decided to put the Airbnb on my credit card and have them reimburse me on cash app and this is how these jokers reimburse me. $186 from Rick for dat bussy. $186 from Rubin for great sex. $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership and $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership and $186 from my dad for a great weekend at the Airbnb with the boys. Now, when my nose guy's ex-girlfriend went through my phone and saw all these transactions, she's like, baby, did you prostitute yourself out to two gay men? Have a third gay man watching you and had your dad part of the whole…

Hello. Good to see, everyone. When my oldest son was 11 years old, he found out that our entire family was peeing in the shower. He didn't know you could pee in the shower and he got pissed. It's like, you're letting me go in a shower where everyone is peeing. I just thought, I'm not going to tell him how much his dad jacks off in there. It could turn him into a sexual deviant. Thank God that didn't happen. You know, it's 40 years later, and he manages strip clubs. So it worked out okay. Now, if you would have told me back then that in 40 years, I would be having sex with a 74-year-old man, you would have been wrong. I think old…

Some guy just told me I look like Jeffrey Dahmer with an iron deficiency. So I guess I've got to look in this Jeffrey Dahmer guy's diet see if I'm missing anything. I've noticed a lot of straight guys, other straight guys, I mean, they get offended or upset whenever they get like a compliment from a gay guy, you know? And I never do, you know? I feel like the number one compliment I get from gay guys is like my asshole feels amazing. And that doesn't make me gay. You can just take a compliment, you know what I'm like? My mom wants me to say that's a joke. My mom, she wants me to, she's pretty clear about that. She wants me to qui…

How is it that these gender reveal parties are all the rage nowadays? Yet whenever I reveal my gender to people at parties, uh, I'm a weirdo with an oddly shaped penis. That wasn't even invited in the first place. Fucking make up your mind, people. Something else I'll never understand today is how some guys have threesomes together. I could never stay hard while there's another dude in the room. You know? Fucking my boyfriend. I don't get it. A little bit more about me. I love midget wrestling. I always win. Speaking of wrestling, last weekend I told my retarded nephew, our Waymo driver, was John Sina. Believe me. Okay, that's it…