Kill Tony #733

Oh man. Cool. You know, it can be ends where they, they do jokes. They get the ba bumped at the end. But I don't always have a dropper, so I use the, so here we go. Uhuh. I stay at hotels. Nice. Hotels can be expensive. It's like, dang. $400. The prostitute was 800 and I of losing money. I, I I soda. My favorite soda is Sprite with cough syrup of and acquired taste. Like Sure. I'm fucked up. But I don't have a cold. I I take my dog places. He's not a assistant dog. But you know, it got like me, you know what's gonna question it. But I, I think I can bring any animal with me. You know, I think they'd be like, oh yes, that raccoon…

What's going on everybody? I got cut off by a Waymo the other day and I didn't know what slur to say at it. You know, like it was confusing. It was empty. But then it occurred to me that the whole time I've known about Waymo's, they've always had slur energy. Like it was fucking Waymo. But I was like, what type of people is a Waymo? And it, it kind of made sense. It, it's very fat people. 'cause they weigh more than you. I, I lost about 60 pounds doing the keto diet, which I, you guys are in Austin. You know what the keto diet is? It's high fat, low carb, two Adderall a day and you'll lose a lot of weight. I'm just saying it's li…

Any fans of foreplay in the crowd tonight? Woo. Yeah, I like a little bit of foreplay. Guys. Ever heard of Irish dirty talk? Yeah, it's when you're both in bed, right? And she's already asleep, but you're having trouble getting to sleep. So you tap her gently on the shoulder and say, are you awake? And before she can answer, you're already in. Hey, hey. I also have a version of that for you ladies. Okay ladies, if you're in, you're in bed with your man, he's falling asleep, but you are awake, you could just lean over to the side table, open the drawer, grab something out of it, tap him on the shoulder and say, are you awake? And…

Anybody got nieces and nephews? You don't know their real name. Like I come from a big family here. I got like 40 nieces and nephews that I know about, right? One of my sisters called me one day. She said, Adrian, I'm running late. Can you swing by the school? Pick the kids up for me? I said, yeah, system. Don't worry. I got you. I was excited. 'cause I, they didn't know I was coming, so I wanted to surprise them. I got to the school and the principal was like, Hey, who you here to get? I said, that is a very good question, sir. I said, I, I I gotta step outside and make a phone call. 'cause I was like, there's no way I can tell…

Yo. What up? KILL telling How you guys doing? Woo. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm pretty happy, even though, yeah, even though I don't look too happy, you know, I'm pretty fucking happy. Yeah. Yeah. I've been dating a lot lately. You know, I've been dating a lot of Latinas. You know, you guys fuck with Latinas? Woo. Fuck Yeah. Yeah. I, I just, I date Latinas only not because I'm a traditional Mexican. I just like the way their mustache tickles my mustache when we kiss, that shit's dope as fuck. You feel me? No, just me. Oh yeah. You feel me? Fuck Yeah. No, no. Yeah. Fuck it. It, no. Yeah, it reminds me of home. It really does. You fee…

I'm a single dad. My daughter is 14 years old, just finished ninth grade the entire year. I, I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid that the upperclassmen are gonna try to fuck my daughter. One day she came home, she said, dad, this guy came up to me and he asked me if he could hit it, and I thought to myself in ninth grade, pretty good line. But I had my dad hat on, so I said, how did it make you feel? She said, very uncomfortable. She said, can you tell me some things to get these guys up off me? I said, absolutely. I said, tell them your daddy is going to rip they dick off now. Children never say what you tell them to say. Co…

And any, any Catholics in the house. New Pope. Yeah, I, no, I didn't grow up religious, so it was very strange when in 2006, I, I dropped out of high school and to hide it from my mom, I joined a touring Catholic ministry. They made me pray to themes, one of which was Queen. I'll show you guys. I'm, you're gonna have to help me a little bit. Okay? So Jesus was a cool dude. 40 days without food, given his life for the Golden Rule. He died in our place. Amazing grace, spreading his love all over the place. Singing and, we'll, we'll praise you. Amen. I did that for nine months. I, that's the gayest thing I've ever done. And I do ana…

First off, I want to thank the KILL TONY Universe. Y'all really did change my life, you know? Thank you. Yes. Now I'm able to buy a lot of lavish shit. Like I just bought a new $1,500 shelf. I put all my clothes on it and everything. Some of y'all know it as a treadmill. I've never touched it. I don't know what the fuck it does. Last time I touched it was to balance myself to put my shoes on. I don't, it's crazy. Now my ex let me have sex with her again. Yes. Yes. I like it. 'cause she likes to role play. You know, I be hitting it from the back. You know, I throw on her wig, she throwing my CPAP. Y'all done never had CPAP sex. It…

Wow. This is exciting. You know, believe it or not, this is the second most exciting thing to happen to me today, though. I saw a UFO on the way over here. An unidentified flying object. Really? It was a non-binary person jumping off the bridge over there. But they didn't identify as anything. Went from she her, she her to see her lit. She they them to she her later. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's, you know, more of an unidentified falling object. But for a second, there for a second. Ozzy Osborne's finally in hell. Do you think it's everything he dreamed it would be? I'm sure it's not that bad though. With all the scientis…

I went out with this girl a couple times and then the other day she sent me a text and started with the phrase, after some reflection, I didn't read the rest of the text. I didn't read because nothing good ever happens when a woman texts you after some reflection. It's never after some reflection. I think we should try anal. That has never happened in the history of women or anal. It's always after some reflection, I realize we're two different trees going in two different directions and you're poor. Now if a man sends you a text, it starts with the phrase after some reflection. I'm just kidding. It's, it's a picture of his penis…

Thank you. Thank you. I am originally from Iran. Yeah. Where women traditionally don't have dicks. No. Just mustaches. Yeah. You know what the safe word is for Middle Eastern women? Yeah. Hashtag hashtag. Not all lives matter. Keeping it real. I have a friend who's so obsessed about the size of her boyfriend's dick. She's so happy. I mean, do women who care about size, do they have like a measuring tape in their, you know, nightstand? Every time a new guy comes along they're like, Ooh, let's measure that. They go, you know who I know for sure has a measuring tape? No, no, not me. Not me. Kim Kardashian. What do you think? She use…

What's up motherfuckers? So yeah, I'm a I know what you're thinking. I don't look that gay. Well, picture me naked with a guy's penis in my mouth. Yeah, I know. That's it. Every time. But I'm not gay anymore. I retired from that shit. Fuck that shit. It's hideous. But because I've done gay shit, people think that I'm weaker like that guy's a pretty big guy over there. Just so you know. Dude, I can fucking suck your dick and there wouldn't be shit you could do about it. So how am I weak? Some other people might be like, I don't like your gay talk. Jason, maybe you're gonna jump me in the parking lot. I am a professional fighter. I…

Oh yeah. Mothership. So I'm going through a, a bit of a transformation. I'm getting fatter slowly and there's nothing I can really do about it to stop it. So I'm leaving it to my government. I'm gonna put it in the hands of RFK Junior, our Secretary of Health to stop me. And I, I, I don't know what it is about him. I really trust him. He, he's got like a lot of battle scars health wise. You know, he's got that voice and he had a brain worm, which is, I think that's a disease that kills wizards. I don't really know. What, how you get through that. I'm so curious how that doctor's visit sounded, you know, he's like, doctor my fucki…

So, oh, when are we getting these Waymo's to kill the homeless at night? Yeah. Robots are supposed to do the jobs We don't want to. I see them driving around all empty. They should get together in an HEB parking lot. Fucking everybody picks one alley and you just fucking help us out. Robots. Or if you want to be like vegan about it, fucking get a car full of them. Drop 'em off in Houston. You know what I'm saying? Did I'm, did I moved here a year ago. I used to be like, no, they're all human and snowflakes. Fuck you. Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza, dude. The homeless in Austin. Every time I see these motherfuckers, they're get…