Kill Tony #776

Oh, What is up Boston, Texas. I am excited to be here. I'm excited for coming from Vegas because it's so nice to be in a state that actually has a football team that wins. Sometimes I feel like if you have to cheer for the Raiders, you really can't talk shit about the Cowboys, honestly, that oh my gosh. But you guys, Ladies and Gentlemen, I know I'm, you're probably hearing my voice. You're just thinking like, You know, finally someone who has voice articulation or annunciation, You know. But the cool thing, Ladies and Gentlemen, that like, You know, you're also probably a little weirded out because you're seeing me on stage. You…

I've been told to make a great first impression. Second impression, not so much. I'm a social arsonist. I burn bridges wherever I go. First, first time, sorry. Sorry for Richie. I took your spot probably. Okay. This is my impression of Ross Perot doing indecent proposal. Now listen here, Demi, I wanna pay you $1 million. Don't worry about me. I have plenty more where that came from. All I wanna hear is a giant sucking sound coming from the south. If, if my life was a movie, here are some of the titles. Single white male, one Angry man, American ugly, scarred face. No country for this man

That's right. I am a civil rights activist. I go all over our great country. I meet black women who've never been with white men before. And I desegregate that pussy. I have a dream. Love black women. I'm dating a beautiful Nigerian woman I met on only scams. Your father's the king of Nigeria? Yeah, he's on his deathbed and she doesn't have any cousins or even brothers. So believe it or not, I'm next in line for the throne. My first girlfriend, half black, half white. And she worked part-time,sShowed up late every other day. I love all people. I actually dated a girl. I I, she was a Hindu Indian. She had that red dot on her foreh…

Hey guys. I just want to say one thing. If you, if you come in to where I'm sitting and you walk in off of the showroom floor with a Harley Davidson and fresh leather gear on and sit in front of me and drink a frappuccino, then I'm not gonna be able to hold my face correctly. I can't be responsible for anything that happens after that. If you sit in front of me and, and you drink a frappuccino like you're my ex-girlfriend's kid finishing up a Capri sun, then I can't be just, my face is gonna do some things and I, I won't be able to hold anyway. Let's, on a lighter note, I should have wrote some stuff down. Old, old people look li…

I work as an exterminator. I do pest control for a living. Thank you. It's kinda like being an ice officer for cute little animals. That's basically it. Instead of catching Mexicans, I mostly catch squirrels. You know, Mexicans and squirrels very different. You know, one is a small brown creature you'll see on someone's lawn or up on someone's roof and the other is a squirrel. So today someone asked me if I was gonna kill this squirrel. I was like, no ma'am, I'm gonna put in a cage and separate it from its family stuff. My, this is a true thing. My work truck has been broken into three times in the past month. Nothing will turn y…

Yo. Who in there wants to have the best sex of their life tonight? All right. Now who likes their coffee with three creamers? Okay. And who likes their butts shaved? All right. I’m just looking for my mom. I really have to pee, but it’s a new moon tonight, so I don’t know if I can. And recently, I lost my virginity to a female magician. It really complicated sex for me after that. She pulled the first condom out of my ear. We finished, and then she pulled out four more condoms from God knows where. Thank you guys so much. I’m Trenton Tebow.

Surprise. I'm a single mom of four. Yes. I also worked with infants for over a decade and I learned some things about people like across a lifespan. We just try to recreate the feeling of being in the womb. 'cause it's what we find soothing. That's why we swaddle babies. Adults use weighted blankets and that's probably why I love alcohol and the muffled sounds of people fighting. It feels like home. You know, something I noticed I do as a parent is I call my kids little cute pet names on the fly, right? But the other day I accidentally called my baby girl booger sugar. And in case you live under a rock, that means cocaine. And I…

Yes. Did y’all know y’all don’t have to prove you’re autistic to buy Legos? I didn’t know that, ’cause every time I went to the Lego store, it was always a long line of niggas buying it. And then I realized it was just the person at the counter telling the nigga ringing them up how much they love Legos and everything that they built. And I went in there, I just wanted to buy this Transformer Legos that just had came out, and I don’t know how to put ’em together, ’cause I’m not autistic. It’s just art in my house. Like, it’s just the same box. And so I had recently got released from Japan when I was in jail, and I had a party at m…

Woo baby. Here we are. It’s so good to be here. Trump bombed Iran recently. And how funny would it be if Iran just immediately surrendered? They were like, ‘Alright, we’ll try your McDonald’s and your Netflix.’ You know, they get like season one of Wednesday and a 10-piece nugget, like, ‘Okay, we fucked up. Death to whoever we’re mad at now, but not you guys.’ It sounds stupid, but like, what is the plan? Like, how do you bomb people into liking us? It’s like dating, right? If a girl doesn’t want to talk to you, you don’t throw a brick through her windshield and be like, ‘How about now, bitch?’ Like, no one’s converting. No one’s…

I apologize to absolutely nobody. Last I was here, I'm the guy two years ago that was here and missing a front teeth and asked for reparations. Well, I got mine, bitches. American-made porcelain. You can't hear that. Anyway, I was reading this book by David Steinberg, Inside Comedy, and in that book he said that comedians are allowed to steal ideas and then produce their own material. Steal ideas, produce own material. And also he said in that book that if it wasn't for Richard Pryor, there would never be a Dave Chappelle. No Cat vs. We know today. And I agree with both of these statements, ’cause if it wasn't for these three guy…

Yeah. Do you guys feel like we're getting propagandized in the media a lot lately? Like every fucking form of entertainment, music, television, movies, there's always some egregious form of propaganda that they're trying to put in our faces. I was watching the new trailer for this new Transformers movie that was coming out. Yo, tell me why this motherfucker Optimus Prime walks into the center of the screen, looks directly into the camera and says - We need to protect Israel from the Decepticons. I was like, yo, what the fuck are these ads right now, dog? Megatron is an antisemite and he must be stopped. I was like, bro, I gotta g…

We're at war with the Middle East again, which will do wonders for my act because I'll tell you what, the terrorist jokes were getting old, but now 10 more years. Baby. Shout out Ayatollah. I did think it was crazy. We stopped funding the TSA right before we attacked Iran. I thought that was crazy, right? Like, like I'm just getting into hockey, but I'm pretty sure you don't pull the goalie first period. I think you let him play some defense. You know what I mean? It's a, it's a long game because here's the order of operations with what happened in Iran. One, the government shuts down, then we stop funding the TSA, then we attack…

What’s up you guys? I like going to the park just to walk around, smoke some weed. You know the two things that Greg Abbott hates? You know, guys, they're pretty cocky about their body count, right? Like this one guy I know, he was like, my body count's like my credit score, bro. In the three hundreds. It's like, wow, you can't lease a cart and you have herpes. That's, I'm a, I'm a server at a restaurant and I had a table call me a retard. Yeah. My manager, she went to go talk to the table to fix it. She, she goes and she's like, Hey, we're sorry about that retard. Here's a gift card, please come back. And I went back to the tabl…

Folks! One time when I was a kid, I walked into my parents having sex 'cause I heard screaming and I thought they might be having sex. I gotta check this out. You know, my grandparents, they recently hired a Michael Jackson impersonator for a family party. Fucked my nephew. Very realistic impersonation, you know, and I'll never forget my sister's first period fucking bunk beds. All right, that's gonna be it. Thank you