Kill Tony #778

The internet thinks I'm gay. That's wrong, offensive, and untrue. So I hooked a lie detector to the lights on the stage because that's what a straight guy would do. I've never had anything up my ass. Except the finger. In a butt plug one time. time in a gerbil twice. Everyone's tried that. Everyone on this stage has tried that. You wonder why these bucket pulls are so nervous. The gerbil's in the contract. I was behind this stage. Tony said, it's time for the gerbil. So I squatted and I prayed. And he put in a guinea pig. Anyways, I'm not gay. I'd never kiss a man if you don't count my priests. And a good childhood friend. I don'…

So white, he's got to be racist. I quit drinking 14-5 months ago with my friends. It's at this age, it's ridiculous, man. They all start talking about Connor McGregor, and we talk about girls we was with, and then they start crying. My wife won't blow me. My, God damn. You're sitting there, you'll blow job. Oh, there we go. That's good, Tony. And I tell him, I think about it. about it. You know, where was your wife when you were preparing for your colonoscopy? I'll tell you where mine was, 37 seconds after I said, this shit ain't working on me. She was cleaning shit off the bathroom skills. That's where my wife was. Well, it's ha…

Here we go. Oh, man. When I was waiting to sign up here, waiting in a pub, a man came up to me and tried to sign up on my comedy notebook. He was so certain that I was the list, that he's tried to sign up five minutes early. Like, I know I have clipboard energy, but that's a bit excessive. Anyway, clipboard energy, I do have it, whether or not you can tell. Picture me in a psychiatric facility. This is a game I invented. So I would try to find a little spot that looked like a UFO or a UAP. Okay? Hop on it and go like this. This is a game I invented when I was balls deep in psychosis. Did I mention I was a patient? Picture me in r…

All right, I am also a schizophrenic life coach. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody, I am reconnecting with my mom on social media. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I super liked her and she unmatched with me. So that's, yeah, yeah. A little rough. Tinder joke for you. Thank you. Yeah, you've never been on Tinder in your life. Okay. Martin Scorsese is making a story about me and my friend's life in Austin, Texas, and it's called The Deported, so that's very exciting. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I've been dating a lot of tall girls these days, but I don't like all the stubble. Yeah, that's a little rough.…

When I was in high school, I actually got bullied by a retarded kid. I don't know what type like where he was on the spectrum, but his special needs were to just tackle me for no reason. Like, I'm standing on the sidelines still getting blindsided helmet to helmet by retard strength. I was scared I'd get enough concussions to become like him. That's how it spreads. But I couldn't get him back, right? Because he doesn't know any better. So I got the other teams to bully him back because they didn't know he was retarded. I told him he was a five-star prospect. Just wait till they put 99 in, bitch. He's a killer. He just signed with…

Can I open up to you? Do you think, like, you know when you first meet, like, your friend's kids, like, they just drop a new baby, and then when you go meet the baby, when you touch the baby, the baby start crying. It's because the baby remember all the nut punches you gave his father. You know, like a revenge punch, like they hit you in the ball, so you hit that nigga. You're like, your kids, go feel it, but now you get to see it. Now you get to see it. I've been trying, now I get to punch my nephews now. They're like 15 years old and they get disrespectful. One of my nephews, walked in the house, all the rest of them was Uncle…

I don't think racism should end I think we should just quarantine them all in one place so they could be around like-minded people think that one place should be in Antarctica because it's hard to say nigger and be cold. You'd be out there like ninn-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- there. There, man, you good. So a lot of white people here that make me comfortable. Something I like to do to make y'all comfortable is I like to give y'all black words y'all can use it in public. They're not going to sound like black words and use them in a sentence, so be patient. All right? The black words are cologne, discreet, and innuendo. The…

Hey guys, how's everybody doing? Right on. Yeah, so I live in Denver right now. We're dealing with wildfires. Sucks because you can barely see the beautiful mountains. It reminds me of a time I used to manage a strip club. I actually had a stripper name wildfire who could barely see. Yeah, we had to pick up her tips from the stage after she would dance. It sucked because one time she was giving a lap dance and the guy was sitting in his chair and he moved to the side. She didn't realize it or recognized it. She couldn't see shit. So she just ate it. She just straight up ate it. It was a thing. I'm going to end it with this, what…

America. So happy to be back, man. This is great. America's been rubbing off on me quite a bit. I went to Texas here seven times this past year, man. And, yeah, the last trip I went to a gun range and I shot guns for the first time in my life. That is the Austin response to that, I guess. I was talking about this in Dallas, and the whole crowd just instantly explosive applause. Just, like, massive. Like, they started a USA chant. The USA, USA, USA. I closed on it. I couldn't follow it. I did 12 seconds on the show that night. And dudes came up to me after. They were like, bro, what's your Instagram? I was like, the way you were s…

One fish, two fish. Oh, my God. A second fish has hit the tower. Holy mackral. My buddy's a hypochondriac. He keeps telling me the bird flu. The bird flu. It's like, yeah, that's what they do. Speaking of birds, I hate crows. I hate them. They're the ones that made all those racist laws. You want to hear a bad one? Oh, fuck. Black people can't swim because they're the color of rocks.

As you can see, I am bisexual But I date mostly men Because does it look like I can scissor I've been doing comedy for a year And the coolest thing that happened was that I got accused of being a blood But what do I have to do to prove that I'm a crit You know? I've been quit walking since the womb, you feel me. My mom gave me thick skin for comedy because growing up, she'd be like, Yeah, yeah. Why you look so disabled? I'm sorry, Mom, I'll just... To get back at my mom, I got fake tities. Because seven grand's a lot cheaper than trying to fix what other fuck's going on out here. You know what I'm saying? Keep your eyes up here.…

I had to break up with a girl this week because she wanted a relationship. But I'm on the management track at work. And I'm not going to get there unless I can prove that I'll enforce the glass ceiling. I only eat off of plastic plates because that way, women know that I don't do commitment or dishes. I buy my plates at the dollar tree, but when I'm ready for a family, I'll start shopping at the family dollar. I'll buy my condoms there. Because family dollar condoms, they don't break the bank. And you will start a family for a dollar. Getting commitment from a guy really is a glass ceiling. But we tend to treat it like plastic. W…

My girlfriends wanted to do a vacation this year, so they suggested a girl's trip to Dubai, to which I said, if we're going to do a girl's trip, do you mind if we pick a country that likes girls? That's not my idea of getting stoned. It's hard to feel unsafe all the time as a woman. I wanted to be proactive, so I signed up for kickboxing classes. Now if someone tries to abduct me, I have something to talk about in the van. I'd have to be like, please abduct me just like I learned in class. Cannot fight you out of sequence. It was a Groupon. No. You said 10 seconds left. Oh, all right. I used to have a lot of peeping Tom's. They w…

The night I was in bed with this girl and she squirted? Yeah. Last time I take her to Taco Bell. It's not pee. And fellas, you ever in bed with your gal and you know you think she might be faking it? I was there myself recently and eventually just had to ask, are those even real tears? Folks, this girl, she's really into rough sex. Just doesn't know it yet, you know? Last week I took her horse riding. The old Texas abortion. Some people down here, they say abortion, should be allowed, but only in instances of rape and incest. But I think it should probably only be for rape. Because if you are having consensual incest, I think you…