Kill Tony #708

Hoooooweeeweeeweeeweee [Mexican screech]. That was hello in Illegal. How the fuck we feeling Austin? Yeah, man, I heard that ICE is detaining Latinos that look illegal, man. That's why I tell everybody that I'm a trans, you know? Not the guy that chops her dick off the guy that's really good at Rubik's cubing. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm a trans Asian man. I think I'll be the most annoying person to the port on a flight. Like, oh man, I know I don't have any rights, but can I at least get the window seat and an extra foil blanket? I wanna go back into my country looking like an illegal Pop-Tart. You know, my dad, he was a vet…

I love to eavesdrop. I was listening to this black couple talk about their friend Jennay. Whew. Crazy bitch. Okay, so she has this on again, off again. Relationship with her boyfriend, right? She leaves him, she starts performing naked, heavily using drugs and then finds out she has aids. So she goes back to her boyfriend, right? And is like, you know what? I still love you Forrest. They were talking about the plot of Forrest Gump and my racist as thought Jenny was just this interesting black woman with a past. So I don't eaves drop anymore. Been thinking about the Holocaust a lot lately, specifically 'cause I just got a dog and…

So one of the best parts about my life right now is that my boyfriend goes to work all day and then he wants to come home and suck my dick. So sometimes going around straight people feels like going cow tipping. Are they awake? Are they not? We will get there. So over the holidays, my great grandma told me that the best n*gga to be, or the worst n*igga to be my bad, the worst n*gga to be is a white n*gga. Now this is a 90-year-old woman, she tells me shit like that all the time. She told me when she, when she was little, that she used to terrorize white kids by saying God loves us more because he took the time to color us in. I t…

So I wanna tell you about the time Mormons came to my door to spread the word of Jesus Christ for the first time. I was a 13-year-old kid. You knock on the door, I open up, hello sir, can we please talk to you about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm like, really? Get the fuck outta here. They're like, no, we have to. Plus he's watching. I'm like, all right, here's my mom. You know, they always ask for the parent. My mom's like the most Jewish lady ever. She comes to the door, hello boys, how can I help you? They're like, hello, miss, can we talk to you about Jesus? Follow me. I do have a pile of leaves, two rakes and a trash…

Hello everybody. Hello World. Good to be here. Okay, let's talk about it. Contrary to popular belief, I have not yet gone through puberty. I am puberty. That is my favorite way to say, I say I go inside of teenagers. Huh? Who's with me? No. Oh no. But yeah, I just moved back to America. Very happy about that. It's cool to see slimy people sell everything, even kids. So wonder what a commercial will let Yeah. Come on down. We're running a sale on new children, with features such as feistiness and easy disposability. Oooh. Call now or visit our website, the Clinton foundation.org. Yeah. Do you guys like impressions? Yes. Yes. Alrig…

All right, bitch. Relax. You're who I'm talking about. Listen, Kanye West said, if you fucking fat bitch means you a broke bitch. Okay, y'all might as well call me Section eight housing. All right, because I love a thick bitch where my thick bitch is at. I can hear your mouth breathing. Calm down. I can hear your mouth breathing. All right. I like a bitch. Built like a nose. tackle, like a Warren sap. I said, where y'all meet? I said, in the fucking A gap. Of course, that's where we met, right? I once I met a thick Mexican bitch at a quinceañera the other day. It's a Mexican birthday party, okay? She was sitting there looking lik…

So I used to work at the mall at Express One time. These two ladies went in the same fitting room. And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry, they only allow one person at a time in the fitting rooms. But what I said was, oh yeah. In my head was really quiet, you know, but they said, I shouted it. I always, I always say the wrong thing, you know, like I was hooking up with this girl and she was like, you know, talk dirty to me. And I was like, what do you want me to say? I'll just say whatever you want. Just tell me what to say. And she was like, just make me feel like a slut. I was like, you're such a s…

Hey, good to be here. My name is Gus Horn. I'm 32 years old. I live in Atlanta, Georgia these days. I dunno if you're gonna tell from my accent, but I am fat. Yeah, I've been trying to work and I've been going to the gym. I got a trainer at the gym, got so happy. Losing weight. You know the terms like, Gus, what your goals in the gym? Do you wanna bulk or do you want to cut? I was like, dude, just wanna see my dick again man... that's without a mirror... that's... I started losing weight recently and people ask, I, I wanna ask you, how much weight do you want to lose? What's your goal weight? And I never knew how to answer that '…

[A mime walks out onto the stage. The mime grabs a book from his pocket and takes out a blank page. The mime takes a larger blank page out of his pocket and an even larger one out of his hate. The mime then pretends to snort cocaine like one of the bros. The mime pretends to spray something in his mouth, and then, the mime, speaks]. Konnichiwa naa ni. Ohhhh. Hello, I'm sorry. Where you guys expecting a bonjour. Well first of all, that's racist of you. Just because I'm a mime doesn't mean I'm French. Don't be a mime-o-phobe.

Good morning. I tried to get a job at Goodwill. They turned me down. I couldn't pass the background check. So now I work for the airlines. All kinds of shit goes on there. There's, I walked into the back room, I have a bad filter on my mouth. I walk into the back room and it smells like pot and pussy. In the back room there was 10 bags that needed to be, you know, just rerouted to a land of George or whatever and smell like pot pussy. And I wanna be a respectful man. I went for another P word. I said, walk in. I said, smells like pot and piss. Well, my supervisor looks at me, female. She looks at me and says, it's your upper lip.…

I feel like we should ramp up President's Day just a notch. Like we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington Monument and pray to the gods that we elected. So the buzz in Hollywood as they're making a prequel to cliffhanger and a stars of volcano. Because volcanoes make mountains at Cliff... okay, let's keep moving. Fuckkkkk. Elon Musk says that millions of people receiving social security payments are between 150 and 200 years old with one person being 360 years old. Redban, I knew your mom was old as shit, but damn fuck. Germany is cracking down on hate speech. Seems a little ironic. Okay, that's my time,…