Kill Tony #756

Did you all see this? email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite Brian Reichel to the next big island party? Epstein replied, hell no, red man might frighten the kids. In Orlando, man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbors saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, my balls are gone. I got banned from Antiques Road Show for issuing death threats after they refused to appraise my vintage bong collection. Catchers carved in pink ivory, you pompous prick. I read where Apex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My on…

What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette Syndrome. And tonight, fuck, y'all need to know that children are mean. Fuck. I used to explain Tourette syndrome as sort of a superpower. And then one kid stood up and yelled, What makes you think you to be a superhero? Fuck. You can't even win a game of hide and seek. Fuck. They emote it on me. So after a few triple H moves later. Fuck. I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Fuck. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome. Fuck you. Thank you, everybody.

Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided I make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm gonna stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y'all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest holes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like my ex used to have a cat, and it's weird because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse. Because like every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn. I'm like, damn, I want her to cook for m…

You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? You guys, too, huh? Yeah, having me on my way here. I pulled off on a phone. 5th Street and this homeless guy just ooh maybe homeless but they're not dumb I rolled my window down tried giving him money he tried handing me a water bottle that's how bad it is for me seriously I drive a really old beat-up 2002 Honda Sierra V it's been rear-ended probably as many times as Tony yeah I'm also like dumb broke though like I won't even buy a Powerball ticket till it's at least at one billion. I'm going to risk five bucks for $20 million,…

I got two degrees and four years in college brag I was always bad at school what I realized is instead of in order to take advanced classes you had to take arts appreciation a global perspective and a social diversity course and I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, dance appreciation, counted as all three. So I thought about it, and I was like, man, I could take feminism one, two, and three, or I could study how to be great at parties. My friends hate it. They're like, Matt, you're cheating in your education. I was like, yeah, that's the point. I'm the one paying for it. I remember one day I walk in…

Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm shit. I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than... right now. It's... Okay, they're laughing. I, like, I shat myself, it just went inside back in the other way. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place, you know, the state motto is, if you're happy and you know it, give it back right now. It doesn't look at it. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in LA for a long time, then I moved back there, and then I came back…

What do you know about buying $200 worth the pregnancy test so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y'all can go to couples, because it's cheaper that way. Sir, what you know about having a spider that live in your room, and this niggas is not your pet? This niggas is not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend. And she's like, the spiders keep out the bugs, and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is, only to find…

I was at the bar the other day, just getting a drink. And this big group of ladies came in. It was a bachelor's party. And it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. So many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar, having a drink. And one mom comes over and orders a drink, and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist. And I just yelled at her. I said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her. Got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much, and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch, yes, it is. But don't wo…

I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat, had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the puss out of the panties, but you can't take the panties out of the puss.

You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the white house? White collar jobs are better than blue color jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives, because they come from good intentions. That would be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can never find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got eight-less celebrities, unlimited baby oil.…

What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city I suggest y'all try it I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago, any Canadians in here? Boo, USA, USA, say it with me, brother, US. I'm gonna start a clan rally in this bit. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed and parks, watching homeless people and not bothering nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. Th…

Man, it's cool you're all here. 11 years, I've never been pulled before. So that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. Yeah, sure, I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's hard making money doing this, man, 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area and I'll stop by like a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some? change and I told him I was like look dude I don't have any money I'm a stand-up comedian and then I shit you not guys this homeless guy like pause and assessed my fucking situation right the dude looks up and down that's gonna be he just goes my bad fam you r…

So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course. I am anti-ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much this going on, you know? People feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends,…