Kill Tony #691

Hey America. Whoever you vote for is your business. But the sign outside on your lawn, is fucking insane. That's where your wife and kids live. Even if you vote for Kamala, don't put a sign out there for the maniacs to see, that in this house, there's an unarmed pussy waiting. I'm gonna rob you out of principle. I'm just gonna walk, give me all your shit. Some Sam Smith looking fuck is in the kitchen. Wearing a mask in his own house. "Ooohhhh, honey, come down. He's here to rob us". Some green haired bitch comes down. "Don't assume. They are here to rob us". That's why the sign outside my lawn has Trump 2024 with two swastikas. I…

Hello. H - ugh. E - ee. L - lll. L - lll. O - ohh. That's how and my girlfriend speak. So I told her the other day, hey bay, come give me a kiss. K - kk. I - ii. S - ss. S - sizzle. She said you're a fool. F - ff. O - ooh. O - ooh. L -ll. I said I know what you're doing lil bro. B - bb. R - rr. O - ohh. She said you better run. R - rr. U - ugh. N - nn. I said from you? I'd run all the way to Mississippi. M - mmm.

What's up dude. My girlfriend and I love to travel together, and when we started travelling we would film everything and post it on social media, and we thought we were gonna go viral and get famous. But that didn't really happen, and I'm starting to get impatient, because I've always wanted to be famous. So I'm planning our next trip right now, and we're gonna be going on a backpacking trip, but this time, instead of vlogging it, I think I'm just gonna murder her. If I murder my girlfriend in the wood, I'm gonna get a Netflix special for sure dude. Move over Gabby Petito there's a new dead white bitch in town. Can you imagine my…

So I used to date this guy, and I went over to his house, and caught him cheating on me. Man, I think the most frustrating part about that was just how lazy it was. You know, like, go upstairs. He wasn't really a thinker. He was the kinda guy who would like argue with me about having to wear a condom. I figured out a foolproof to end that argument. I told him that my disability was contagious. But you know that motherfucker was like, how contagious?

I recently took a first aid course, and I think I'm ready for my hero moment now. Where like if I go out and about and I see someone choking and there like "ugh ugh ugh [mimes choking], and then they drop, I go them and I'm like "hey my names Danny I know CPR, can I help you". But they don't give me consent but no consent in the CPR world is consent, so I jump into action. Some girls like "yo that's not it" and I'm like "keep your trauma to yourself I'm trying to save a life here". And then I jump and I go "you call 911 you grab and AD are you coming back, do you understand me right?". And I just have to hope the know English. Gu…

So, my cousin, he outta prison recently. And some n*ggas should be in prison. Now I know a lot people very smart, my cousin is not one of those people, he should stay in prison. My cousin, like fuck him, he kinda raised me as a child, and now that people know that I am he wanna tell all my new friends about how we grew up together right? Well he don't tell none of them cool stories. Like we used to rob people together, we had jumped people together. But he got around my new friends and he was like, "remember that one time, we was round yo momma house and we were humping them pillows". You can't be telling n*ggas shit like that ma…

I went to Japan, and I went to the worlds largest anime store. Now I don't like anime, but the top 5 stores were all gay porn, so we're good. Everybody knows Tinder is a selector for people with problems, you'll scroll and you'll see all kinds of crazy stuff. Teen moms, girls with crazy face tattoos. Other times it's goth girls looking for men who will retrieve roadkill. Like bitch, I'm not giving you my roadkill. I have a cat that vomits for attention. So obviously, it's a girl. I went to the museum of Africa-American history in DC. When I got there I found out you needed to register ahead of time, so obviously, no black people…

My grandpa was recently diagnosed with late stage dementia. I'm just glad, one of us could forget the molestation. You guys, I'm joking. I'm like 60% sure I've never been molested, but I opened with that joke once, and someone came up to me after the show and they were like, "hey man, I really I like that first joke, it's super relatable". Yyyyuck. I don't wanna here about your hoe phase. But I should have been surprised, my little brother's always been chatty.

What's up Austin? Hell yeah. My names Kim Congdon and I'm one of the first Kill Tony regulars, and I am a Puerto Rican comedian. These are my white slaves. And I really wanted to take this option tonight to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now [pulls out knife and goes for Tony]. I'm just kidding, I watched the Trump rally dude, I watched Tony's speech. I was a little bit upset, I gotta tell you. Half my blood is Puerto Rican, it's true. Unlike Tony's blood, half of that is HIV, it's true. As you see my white slaves are holding Puerto Rican flags, those are Puerto Rican flags people, they look different, the…

How we doing bubbas, do we have any mixed people, and mud bloods in the audience? I grew up white and black, right but I grew up with the black side. I would be self-conscious, dude I'd be at the cookout and it's Where's Waldo on the easiest level, you know what I mean? Bro but my grandma she was amazing she would be like, "no matter what anyone tells you, you are black". Which is a lot for an 8 year old when I don't know Pokémon aren't real. I got the 23 and Me, 25% Nigerian, so now I can you use the N-word I just gotta break it down to like syllables. I'll be at the cookout like I can't believe that ni, acting like a gg, what a…

So right off the top here I just wanna take a moment to honor my girlfriend... she just recently died, uhm, from fentanyl. Yeah fenting all this dick in her mousing. So yesterday was a historic day for comedy, Tony did a set at the Trump rally, as you guys know. And he spoke on the Clintons, you know, and I hope personally the Clinton foundation does not take the podcast name seriously. Nah for real though it was really good to see you up there on that stage yesterday, it's just nice to see Trump has the support, a solid support from the gays.

After hearing Tony's jokes at the Trump rally, Donald is now wishing he would have been shot in his other ear too. Tony asked the Trump campaign if he could ever work with him again, they said yeah we'll contact you using this special beeper [pulls beeper from back pocket]. I asked Tony if he was worried about being chased by the Puerto Ricans and he said "no I bought a jet ski" - what did you mean by that Tony? Dear Catholics if the Pope is so powerful lets see him part the red see... okay... that's my time.