Kill Tony #726

Austin. We keeping it weird? Yo, I love it here. Like Austin has some of the most beautiful dykes I've ever seen. No dykes. Don't get enough credit, sir. Would you ever fuck a dyke? No. You don't. Like gently used coochie. I used to say I never fuck a dyke, never where I'm from. We call them studs. And I looked on Facebook and it said Studs was a acronym. Yes. S-T-U-D-S. Stanford Steel Titties under that shirt. I said that at my last show. One of them studs got mad. She jumped up, said it. Don't stand for that. It's Stanford Slanging this unreal dick, sir. And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend, he think he funny. G…

I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time. Because you are in control. You gotta remember, they don't want you to have superpowers. They, the Jews do not want you to have. But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank, you'd see the teller. You'd Waits for her to open up the vault, freeze time, and then, Holy shit. And then you'd leave the bang. Oh. And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone. Whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a…

Shut up bitch. This guy was like, don't trip. That's fine. I'm gonna fuck your mom later after I clean her house. I am from Puerto Rico. No, I'm not. I'm, I'm one of the good ones. Happy pride month to this guy mainly. But yeah, I don't know. A couple years ago I was watching the gay news, CNN. I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis. He said, RIP. Pope Pope Francis a couple years ago. He said, if you're gay, you can get married now and you will no longer burning hell. It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this, but it made me think, it made me wonder what was gonna happen to the gay guys that were previously…

I don't think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish. But I do think everyone with a foot fetish also eats blue cheese. I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile. But I do think everyone who is a pedophile also drinks lemonade. I don't think everyone who's the victim of you is also a Disney adult. But I, you guys get it. How's it going?

All right. My husband's Muslim. And when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called Vana. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, IK as in kangaroo, a H as in Harold. The n*gga problem is, I had not seen that word written down before. I heard that shit out loud. Picture it on my wedding day. I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband. So in love. The guy walks in. He's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this. Blessed n*gga. He kept going in the eyes of Allah. Oh, niggas are beautiful and wonderful, and this nigga t…

I got it. Some of you may remember me. I, I was falsely accused of storming the capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before. I got the pardon? Still grateful. But while I was in prison, I was raped. Well, okay. Date raped. Okay. It was consensual. It's still very unpleasant. I, and yeah. Okay. I was on house arrest, but it's terrible to be on house arrest 'cause you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time I've be…

I love my women. How? I love my coffee sliding off the roof of my car. Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin Boy Group Band called Min. Yeah, men Nude. Oh, we used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it. I remember I came home with my first million in Besos. It was like the best a hundred bucks I ever made. People would always ask me, Hey Aldo, how did you know who was gonna be the next menu? 'cause they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty. Was it always the cute ones that would say No? It…

So, speaking of small dicks, when are we getting big dicks? Huh? Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all. Yo, Elon Musk. Fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock? Isn't it crazy? Katy Perry's in orbit before I have a big hug, and I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get is you go to Mexico and they don't make you a big dick. You pay 60 grand. And what they do, they remove your lower abdominal muscles to like excavate more dick out of you. $60,000 for an extra two inches. Hey, I don't need two inches. Great. Now we're at four. Thank you so much,

Hello. How are you ladies? Are you sick of your man's wrinkled? Old fucking sack? Yeah. Hairy old dusty nut act. Well, I got something for you. It's called Scrotox. It's Botox via testicles. I don't care if you like the Red Sox, the white socks. I don't even wear fucking socks for a smooth nut sack tomorrow. Use Scrotox today. It also removes hair for the ultimate teabagging experience. Yeah, lady, you'd be looking forward to that. My cousin recently married a Chinese girl at the wedding, wedding reception. They had this beautiful lasso apso souffle that was outta this world. They had poodle kebabs on the brioche bun, beagle burg…

I know I'm not, I'm not a confident guy and I know I'm not a hot guy, but I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieving. They walking my apartment. Like I know I'm not like a hard day's work, you know what I mean? But I'm gonna give her a run for her money. For sure, for sure. I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend, a little, my friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago. She texted me, she's like, Hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me and his picture, my best friend having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately. 'cause she couldn't…

Hi everybody. Yeah, I'm Neil Rubenstein. People mispronounce it all the time too. Rubenstein Ruben Stein Goldberg. It's, I'm made for my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein. But I know that wasn't his name, you know? 'cause he came over from Poland to the 1930s. So his name was like a bunch of Cs and Zs, no vowels inside out K for some reason. And just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me a WIFI password? Is that like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're gonna be Norman from now on. He said, my last name's Joe Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving out a…

And that is true. I do wipe my butt after I pee. In case of any, anybody, anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog. My dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie. Wait, were you drowning? Or the children's show? Sesame Street is celebrating Pride month. And I'm gonna be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses. How about those people that say, I'd like to order an ice coffee, hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry. Can I fill out an application? And on the eighth day, God created Aex twin and aex twin said, no, we just need seven.…