Kill Tony #734

What up? All right I had to make sure. I fucking just moved here. I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am. It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet. It sucks that like I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba. Like if I don't tap, tap, tap and find the exit, I'm just going to stand there and beep until somebody picks me up. Like, home. Home, please, I have to shit. You don't know how long you can hold in a shit into your me. And you never know where another bathroom's ever going to be, dude. You're like,…

I tried a gloryhole for the first time. I don't get why you wouldn't just shit in the toilet. That other guy was fucking pissed. Got on his shoes. I got to stop going to strip clubs I got an argument with the stripper the last time I went she wanted me to pay her $100 because I came in my pants I was like bitch I came in with that it's not even my Come, you don't know. You dumb fucking slut. I did still pay her the money, though. Because I wanted to have sex with her. But hey, you guys know me. I always fuck with two condoms. Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs. I just hate the way that pussy feels.

Yeah, how are you doing tonight? Fuck yeah. I want to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man. Yeah, I don't like the guy. You know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars. You know, I'm black. I'm not going. right? Look, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking, and I just, I don't want to run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket to be taking unknown lands, you know? You know what? You're going to stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit? Smelling the gas leaking shit, fuck that, all right? That's not NASA, that's Massa, all right? I'm going to need to see a return ticket or something, is…

Thank you. I got circumcised in Costa Rica. I used to sound like a lot. a girl when I was growing up, then my balls dropped. Now I sound like a woman. It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay, so I stopped talking. Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything. Oh yes they can. So I stopped talking, I stopped smiling. I stopped fucking dudes. What else does a guy need to do, you know? All right, I guess that's all I wanted to do. Meow, huh? It's another 15 seconds if you got anything else. Oh, let's see. I'm not a political guy, but actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot, and my conservati…

Oh, my God. Guys, I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling tuck-friendly bikinis to children. I guess, like, a bikini with little. pouch where you can tuck the dick. And at first I thought, yeah, at first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it. Because basically what you're saying, if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to see the cock. Yeah, dude, you're can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging. But I got weird opinions on everything. I still think race matters a lot. Like, for example, a white lab, that's a great dog. A black lab's also a great dog. But a Chines…

I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life. Since my first appearance, my DMs have been flooded with dickpicks. Tony, can you please stop? I have a wife and kids. And besides, I only asked for one. I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol. before 10 a.m. in Texas. It's a dumb law, right? But the crazy part, these were non-alcoholic beers. When you're buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic. You know what I knew? I had a late night out drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I could remember everything.…

Hello I'm English or as you lot like to call me gay. Thank you for that I had expectations when I came to this country, guys. Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way. So when I was coming up, high school musical coming out. What the fuck was that? An all-white basketball team on a state championship? Fuck right off. I was also disappointed. the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene. I was completely unprepared for these high school drills, guys. You have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball. Fuck me, sideways. My dad's South African, which means I'm genetically raci…

So I'm a bartender, right? Been bartending for over a decade. Make thousands of drinks. I've made thousands of drinks. People order some weird-ass shit. And, like, I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off, though. And that's when people ordered their drinks virgin.I don't get it. I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer. You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan. I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic. That's a health code violation. So, as a bartender, I've had a lot of different jobs, like a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants. My frie…

Hey, Austin, how's it going? Good, good. Are we dating? Anyone dating here in the crowd? Yeah, actually, I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care. I'm dating a doctor, so... And he's hot, so I win, you know? But, no, when I told my family and my friends, I was dating a doctor, obviously, mom, super excited. Some of my friends were a little bit concerned. They were like, meeting a doctor. I'm like, yeah, they're like, haven't you seen Grace's Anatomy? Aren't you a little bit worried? I'm like, yeah, you know, make dreamy, make steamy. And they're like, exactly. Like, you think he's, like, hooking up with nurses in the stai…

Do y'all know why the Native Americans say how? It's because the settlers killed them before they could get out. Are you doing? I went to this Indian restaurant the other day, and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls. Now I'm from the south. That's not completely unnormal. But I went up to the guy at the front, and I was like, hey, man, what's up with all the swastikas? He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck. He's like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck. I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better? The lambindaloo or the buttered chicken? He was like, ah, they're both good in their…

Howdy? So I was asleep in my bed. You know the night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had. And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at. I thought I cheated on Siri. This thing was fucking screaming. My phone went off and it was a it was an Amber Alert for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl and I thought that was fucked up because what about her two kids? Are they okay? They get taken to? Here are my thoughts and prayers. So this border situation has never been great, but lately, I've been seeing it bring out the worse than people. I'll leave it on that. Go ahead. Finish it. The other day I saw one man tell an…

I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people? And you're just like, like. Y'all know the ones I'm talking about. I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names. And they're like, Hank, it's exotic. It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple. It's not exotic. If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs. Cush. The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I hav…

I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole. After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain-dead human being, and I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer. Last week, Cracker Barrel Board of Directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo. The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million. The good news will be seeing Shane Gillis and Cracker Barrel commercials very soon.