Kill Tony #710

How y'all doing tonight white people in Puerto Rico yeah yeah y'all down with the president yeah yeah Trump the realest nigga to ever do it. On the last day of his presidency last time, he freed Kodak Black and Lil Wayne. Then he sent the goons into the Capitol building. Cuckoo! They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall. I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people. My credit score went up 12 points that day. Only thing I didn't like about what Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for, like, free trips on Carnival Cruise Line, all you can eat chicken and shit. I was like, y…

Someone told me I looked like a retired skinhead. That's why I tell women I'm a veteran-arian. South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama take more Viagra than any other states in the Union. Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, love their dick pills. Hey, they did say the South will rise again. Ha-ha! If at first you don't secede, you can dust it off and try again. Even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy. I'm a racist Arabic guy. Big difference. I don't know if y'all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist. Look at me, look at me. I'm the N-word now.

Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Women argue like terrorists. They fight like terrorists. I'll give you an example. Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about. You'll say something to your woman. You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you and she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in. You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night and you ask her, you can see that she's pissed. You'll say, honey, what's wrong? She'll say, nothing, it's fine. You know she's fucking mad. An hour goes by, she's not ready yet, she's still putting the dynamite in the vest, it's fine. Y…

What's up, everybody? Yeah. So I'm Puerto Rican, Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian, and Jewish. And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So, yeah, it's tough. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So... Yeah, it's tough. It's tough being Puerto Rican and Jewish. Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people. So please laugh at these jokes. I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said, Drive like your kids live here. So I drove away. Actually, I don't r…

How do it tonight folks? We good? Yeah! All right. See, I was drunk in Vegas one time, and what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't hail a cab anywhere on the strip. It has to be like a hotel or one of these designated locations. I didn't know that. So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car. But finally, I was able to kind of hail one, And for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy. Cause it'll be more amicable than giving you a ride. So I got to his car and I was like, Señor, jode Luxor y Cas…

So I've been trying to assimilate, fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. Whew. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together. Boom the concert. How many letters do I have to write? You hate, ISIS hates women and gay people, dude. At a Taylor Swift concert? The homo per square meter. You blow up a Taylor Swift concert next day. Perfect society. It's like children's music, no? I have a T-shirt. What? If you're…

Oh hell yeah, let's go. All right. All right. Do you want to just go? I don't have to. You guys, how you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin? We got foreigners here? What do we got? Guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedies. Like this is the place to be. Then I get here, the odds are like 8 million to 1 to be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit. They're like falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight? We got how many single people we got? We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope…

So I recently found out that steroids make me manic. Have you ever woke up like in this corner... standing at 5 foot 11... equipped with retard strength? It's John Cena. Cause I have, I accidentally cut my finger off in the process. [Shows severed pinky finger to the crowd]. Yep. That's okay, now I can go. One million dollars [Dr. Evil voice]. Okay, now I can go... $1 million. It's okay, I can go... Out front and lower west side! When in doubt, pinky out. And now, Pinky out.

You know who doesn't like sexism? Fat, ugly chicks. I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush. I said, I see you. She said it's for my living room. I said, so is mine, queen. My pronouns are G-F-Y and U-S-A. Thank you, that's my time.

So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity, and I looked to my left and there were two gay guys kissing and I thought to myself good for them good for them I keep driving right I come to another red light out here and again I looked to my left two lesbians kissing and And I think to myself, nice, very nice. The light turns green and I keep driving. And I come to another red light. And I really wish I was making this up because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of Joe Feile, he pulls up right up next to me on a Harley. And, you know, it's a…

A white woman is suing a fraternity clinic because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother. When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no! Oh. No. North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently real dogs were getting their feelings hurt. California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. Uh, no Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton. Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter 7, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D. Okay that's…