Kill Tony #713

Hey guys, I'm very happy. I just got an acting manager. I've always wanted to be an actor and I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for. The first audition I ever got was for a college student who gets the shit kicked out of him. And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said, this kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him. And then my favorite audition I got was for creepy eighties porn projectionist, which I fucking nailed. And then most recently I went out for dumb guy number two who is sensitive to sound and cannot make eye contact. So I think my ty…

I, I saw someone so good looking. It made me resent my parents. You'll get that if you're ugly, you see someone hot and then you think about your parents, you're like, you idiots had to fuck each other. They made a lateral move. And I'm like, well, here I am. I'm the one who has to suffer. I got my father's big nose. I got my father's big nose and I got my mother's fat upper pussy area. I hide the fpa. Well ladies. So I do a lot of gay shit. And I don't mean gay. Like when a man says he doesn't eat meat that's gay as fuck. I mean, I suck dick and I just want clear it up. I don't want you thinking I'm a vegan And that throws peopl…

Thank y'all. I've been crushing up plan B and putting it in my girlfriend's eggs every morning. Yeah, she, she's Latina, so it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a must. She's Catholic, so I have to sneak it in somehow. Yeah, if you really wanna think about it. It's like an abortion inside of an abortion, which is even crazier. Yeah. Thank you. Also, it's like a $72 egg at this point. You know what I'm saying? We're in love though. We're shitting with the door open, which is great. I know. Yeah, it's good. That's a good place to be. The other day she got really scared though. I think she paid attention for the first time she walked by a…

I'm not sure about having kids. My best friend just had a baby, a little girl. And she told me she feels like her reason to live is to be a mom. But if your reason to live is to be a mom and your daughter's reason to live is to be a mom and her daughter's reason to live is to be a mom. That's called a pyramid scheme. And I'm not picking up on any drumbeat out there to make any more of me. I can, I can't come close to doing my own taxes. TurboTax asks me the same questions every year and I still have to call my dad like, Hey dad, do I pay railroad union dues? No. No. Okay. Am I American-Samoan? Hello?

Thank you. Thank you guys. I just went back to Japan to see my family and on a Japanese airport I saw a huge sign that says Do not export Wagyu beef seamen without permission. And immediately I was like, damn, I wish my semen is important enough to get permitted. You know, like, I wish everybody desire my semen. You know, like I wish, I wish someone suck me off and, and keep my seamen inside their mouth and try to across a border and, and get shot at and die. And, and this person's whole family is devastated just because of my sermon. Thank you very much.

Thanks everybody. You guys seem very nice, which is good. I've been, I've been depressed lately, but I have a therapist now, which is good. 'cause I can't talk to my friends about depression. I can't, they're not helpful. The other day I was talking to my buddy, I'm like, I don't know man. I think if it wasn't for my parents, I'd probably kill myself. And he was like, eh. I think your parents would understand. I mean, they love you, but ultimately they want what's best for their son. I thought one married friend who has like a family, so he thinks his problems are worse than everyone else's. You know, we were out late and he says…

Hello. My favorite human trafficker favorite is probably Harriet Tubman. Right? I mean, everyone else did it for money. She did it for the love of the game. She's just like moving people. That's a bad bitch. She ran the Underground Railroad for 12 years and I used to ask people if they knew how many people she saved and I had to stop 'cause a guy in Kansas said Too many fuck the girl in San Francisco raised her hand to answer and she had armpit hair. So I was like, gross. Put it down. You know? And then she's said 120,000. I was like, you might be worse than the racist guy 'cause you're retarded. Right? The actual answer is 70,…

Hell yeah. Street Olympic is just heroin. I want you to know that that's how that is. This is, I mean, the happy, happy St. Patrick's Day white people. Hell yeah. Yeah. I fucking hate this holiday, nigga. It's terrible. It's the gayest holiday ever. It's an excuse white people to get drunk and then try to touch you. That's all it is. Oh, you don't have on green. I see. I'm gonna punch the fuck out you Tim. Back the fuck up, nigga. I hated it. So, and this I got the, the, the, the mascot is gay. The mascot is gay. Yeah. Leprechaun's a gay man. Leprechaun was the first gay nigga ever. That's what that is. If you fighting behind thi…

Man. That's cool. Two cams in a row. I'm like the opposite though. Tall, white and not as good as comedy. No, it is an honor to be on the stage though. It is KILL. TONY has done a lot to progress the art of comedy. In fact, KILL TONY is so progressive that as a straight white male, I am a diversity hire. If the Arian race was Hitler's dream, this shit is his worst fucking nightmare. Be very disappointed. Somewhere in Argentina, he's rolling in his grave. But no, unlike most felt, or if I do become a failed artist, I won't blame it on the Jews. I will blame it on whoever's controlling the hot singles in my area that keep promising…

I, I'm single. I'm trying to date. And all of my friends and family, they're in relationships and they're always trying to give me advice, you know, they're like, be safe out there man. STDs are on the rise. Be safe. Oh my God, it's so scary. It's like, yeah, STDs are scary, but you know what's scarier than STDs? Dating today as a man is how expensive dating actually is. Dude, I went on a date with a woman a couple of weeks ago and honestly I much rather would've gotten crabs from her in the bedroom than have to pay for crabs at the dinner table. Actually. That's funny. Yeah. All of my friends like, oh my God. HIV is so scary. HI…

Man, it is a scary time to fly. You know how I know it's bad. I am also nervous at the airport. I am on your side. The energy to me on an airplane has shifted dramatically in the last two months because when I used to walk on a plane, people looked at me like, like what's he up to? What's he planning? But now when I walk on a plane, people look at me like, well if this thing goes down and we need someone to take over, he might have the right training. It's a scary time to fly. A military helicopter crashed into a passenger plane. When that happened I was like, oh, things are different. 'cause when I was younger, when the American…

Oh, the Tesla bots. AI. Jerry is here. Where my Latinos at. No more. Jose, did you get the job? No, they gave it to the robots. He's cheaper. Mike says, hate it when they don't work. Dude, I could just picture Tesla bots selling fruit on the side of the highway, like 3, 4, 5. Try it. Very good. Very sweet. There's not gonna be homeless people no more. Just homeless robots. All the obsolete ones. Please her. Help my wife. She needs Indian lithium battery. Think of the children. It's like, all right, dude, here's 10 bucks. I'm a good person. Cholos are gonna send the robots on missions just like a fool. Send the robot to go pick up…

Hello. Hello. So I was trying to get some pussy. I went to a bar, didn't have the balls to do nothing. I don't know how some guys do that. They just go to a bar and start just fucking, it's a numbers game. You know those guys? I've never walked up to a girl at a bar. I always feel fucking creepy. Isn't it creepy? I feel creepy because we both know what I want. Like every time I talk to girls at bars, I feel like America, when you guys talk to the Saudis, like we both know, I want to drill the shit out of you, but we need to be diplomatic. Thank you so much.