Kill Tony #714

How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico? Hell yeah. I ain't a political person, but I don't like the way they treating women in the media. You know, like saying women can't be the president and shit. I was raised by a strong black woman. I believe women could do anything a man could do. You know, clap bitches. I'm talking about y'all have a little fucking, have a little faith in yourself. We let you bitches read and write. You know what I mean? Me, you know what I'm saying? And the sad part about it is, I don't think we ever gonna see a female president unless that bitch is trans. Them good old boys ain't letting no…

What's up? Somebody outside tried to make fun of me. They were like, is that a black belt? And dick sucking about my necklace. I was like, what do you think happens at Claire's? Like you can't buy this 8 99 3 pack. You gotta go to the back and prove it. I don't know. I started arguing back with him too. I was like, I don't only suck a dick to refuse a UTI. He didn't get it either. You know? I am dating again though. I like, I don't get dating like, I don't know how many times it takes for you to tell somebody to stop sticking a finger in you're an asshole till they stop doing it. But it's not four. Every time I get slapped in the…

Man, I can't stand managers yo, I can't stand managers. You ever see a job interview? They always ask you stupid shit. Like where do you see yourself in five years? I be looking at 'em like probably in front of another motherfucker asking me where do I see myself in five years? Man, I can't stand managers yo. When they come into the office, 8:00 AM ready to go, energized. Hopped up on cocaine and coffee. I don't do that shit, man. Don't come into the office. 8:00 AM hopped up on cocaine and coffee and I'm 15 minutes late, high on weed bitch. Like we just not on the same wavelengths. No I can't stand it, man. As soon as I come int…

So I signed up from Bumble about a month ago and I met this chick on there and she was a big Texas Longhorn fan. So we went to the basketball game together and she kept yelling, hook 'em horns, hook 'em horns. So at the end of the night, I fucked her in the butt and I fish hooked her and I was like, hook 'em horns, hook 'em horns. But I like hot chicks. But you know, I like hot chicks. But I have a gay twin brother and his name is Tommy. And when I go to bars and I meet a hot chick, I say, oh, hey Queen. Hey queen. Oh, I love your hair, your, your tits feel so good. And we become best friends and at the end of the night, I tell '…

What's up bitches? Woo. I'm talking to all the, the, the 14 women here in this fucking sausage fest. This is, this is cool. Anybody here from Austin, three of the most boring fucking people you've ever met in your goddamn life. This city makes me wanna kill myself. I would've already drowned myself in Lady Bird Lake if it weren't for the fact that anybody that finds my dead body is just gonna assume that it's a gay one. Hey. It's like it's one of 'em. Floating queers. He's floating. Face down. Look at him. Oh, thank God this is going better than I thought it would. Hell yeah. This place is fucking bright Jesus. So many ugly peopl…

I learned something about myself recently. I shouldn't be allowed to go to weddings. That's not a good thing for me. I, I went to my cousin wedding this weekend and I cussed out the Made of honor. She was a bitch. She deserved it though, because like, listen, understand something. My cousin's wedding, all the groomsmen were my cousins and my friends - I knew my whole life, right. And I didn't get to hang out with them the whole time. I wasn't really in the wedding. So we started eating and stuff like that, I finished eating early. I wanna go talk to my cousins who was sitting at the groomsmen and the bridesmaids table, right? And…

Yo, what's up? My name's Matt guys. Yeah, I know you guys are looking at me right now. You guys are like, what is he? Yeah, my buddy said look like orange chicken. Yeah. 'cause I look a little Asian, but I was definitely made by a couple Mexicans. It's true. I got like 30 of my cousins in the back of Panda Express right now. Yeah, I'm Mexican man. I used to be a simple man though growing up. He used to be a big butter face guy. Y'all remember those butter faces? Yeah. Everything's nice about a butter face. Not many of 'em out here in Austin. Dude. All I see out here nowadays is damn butter apples. Y'all heard about them? Everythi…

Just before I hop into my minute, I gotta do a quick ad read. No mi gusta. No mi gusta mi travaro. No mi gusta, myself. Ohhh dias, it's Betterhelp. Parepetis sinco des quenta dos, reaaaally derepressed. I'm just gonna get the other one out the way then I'm gonna hop into my minute. Do you guys like pets? Come to Petafiles. Okay, I'm gonna hop into my minute.

So my mom is super Hispanic and I'm talking like very Hispanic. This is how she wakes me up in the morning. Her accent is so thick, she has trouble pronouncing my name. So she has to call me Sada. She has to call me Sarita. I have some bad news next. My dad is white boo. Ew. So he likes to call me stupid. He likes to call me ugly. Yeah, no, that's fun. Oh man. So before I moved out here to Austin, my parents were talking to me and they were like, Sarah, never in our lives would we have imagined that our 22-year-old daughter would still be living at home with us, leaching off of us. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna stop…

Hey, did anyone get the number on that sexy blonde? I just passed in the hallway. Thank you. Yeah. My dad is a conspiracy theorist. He's also morbidly obese. That's a rough one. You know, how do you tell a guy, dude, tap water is not the thing that you are getting too much of. Dude, I think it might be the Mountain Dew outta the NASCAR cup. You fucking retard. I come, you know, I come from a redneck family. We, I think the only reason we even adopt dogs is so we can shoot something seven years later Now, rednecks shoot our dogs. We, we talk about that as a society. We also shoot our cats. And you guys don't know that, but that…

What's up? Fuck Southwest Airlines. Gimme a fucking seat, dude. I didn't know it's legal to sell 360 tickets and then just let us baboons figure it out. Where am I sitting? You know, you get a, like an aisle seat and then another guy's got the window and you try at all costs to keep that middle seat fucking open. You watch these group F motherfuckers, you know, when you're covering the aisle and you try to look as insane as possible? Ah, ah, stay the fuck away from my middle seat. That's why. Now I carry a Koran, I put that shit down and hey parents, leave your shitty fucking baby at home. What the fuck's he got going on in Phoen…