Kill Tony #774

Life is like a box of chocolates. Fat, people finish it a lot faster. I'm fat, but I'm working on it. Like, I learned how to make Caesar dressing from scratch the other day. What you do is you take Greek dressing and you stab it in the back 23 times. If you don't get that joke, you're fucking stupid. Idiot. No, I live with a lady, you know, and she likes to do this thing when we argue. Like, she likes to attack my masculinity. The other day, she was like, be a man, kill that bug. That's so unfair. I can't be like, be a woman. Take care of me. Run your fingers through my hair. Because that'd be a very inappropriate. thing to say t…

Okay, if you do enough drugs, you will do. definitely meet God. That's a fact. And if you keep doing drugs, God'll be like, what the fuck are you still doing here, dude? Pick up all these cigarette butts. You got fucking empty beer cans everywhere, empty fucking everything. Get your fucking life together, dude. Get your life together. Maybe get a job. I got a better idea. Why don't you go down? Drive 19 hours down to kill Tony.

How we doing? I'm a father. My daughter was getting cyber bullied. I didn't know what cyberbullying was, you know. You know, I thought, I growing up I had a real bully. You know, I wish I would get hit with emojis instead of getting hit in the fucking face. You know, I got teased before I ever went to school. Somebody coming to me like this. Otis, you're big-headed, you're black, you're ugly, and your mom doesn't love you. Now go to school, son. My dad wants to cyber bully, your sensitive bitches. And growing up, I saw this 10-year-old with like an iPhone, 10 years old. When I was 10-year-old, I didn't get no iPhone. My dad just…

I had a homeless guy come up to me and go, hey, are you trans or retarded? All right, you guys usually ask for a dollar, but I'll fucking take it, I guess. Whatever, dude. Put some fucking pants on first, dog, before you got to throw some heavy hypotheticals at me. Then I thought about, like, trans or retarded. What's the difference? Like, come on. Where my repub's at? Come on. Get them out of our bathrooms. Freak shows. Nah, I want them in the bathrooms because I like jerking off watching them shit, so I like that. I like black people, too. Sorry. I think they're chill. I have black friends. I lost one, though. I said the M word…

Damn, that is way too high for a midget like me. Yeah, that's bad. So I had to down a bottle of listerine just to get the courage to come up here. But don't worry, my shakes have almost gone. I had to stop by Buckees, hit on some of the very fine, fat Latino ladies. They are beautiful. Tortas, as they're called. Yeah, I got to, Help myself to some pulled pork, if you know what I mean. Yeah, gotta get up in those beaver nuggets. But I like the black girls, too. Got to get some of those burnt tips going.

How do you do tonight? I don't care. Fuck you. Let's do this. I got a minute. So as y'all can see, I'm clearly a bottom. Oh, I see bottoms here tonight. Fuck you guys, dude. I see a lot. No, but I gotta be a bottom. I'm too fucking fat, pro, I gotta be a bottom. Imagine me being on top. My girl, she's like four feet, five. If I'm on top of that bitch and my arms are gonna be out, that bitch is dead, dog. She's dead, dude. I'd rather be up here telling you guys' jokes instead of asking you to help fund my go-funding for that bitch. I'd rather do that. I'd rather do that, bro. It just sucks being fat. It sucks. For example, I bough…

I love you guys. Life advice, relationship advice, if you love a girl, if you seriously love a girl, stay away from the girls that don't like her because they'll pick out a flaw to ruin you. a flaw to ruin your entire relationship. Last year, I thought I was going to marry this girl, Brittany, and I went to my best friend, Emily, and I was like, I think I want to marry Brittany. And she said, ugh, you mean that giraffe neck, bitch? I was like, she ain't got no giraffe neck, so I went to Instagram immediately, and I started scrolling. And I was like, damn, she do got a long-ass neck. She even got, like, freckles on her neck. It lo…

Yeah, what the fuck is up, Austin? I got a hot wife, believe it or not. And if you don't believe it, then fuck you. I pulled it off and you can too, despite my average looks below average bank account. I got a hot wife, you just gotta follow these easy tips. Tip number one, find you a gorgeous girl with gross feet. My wife's feet are disgusting, y'all, but I suck those toes. I know they're the only thing between me and some ugly bitch in open-toed shoes. Number two makes people uncomfortable, but it's the best tip I'll give it to you anyway. Everyone's bragging these days. They got their animal from a shelter, adopt on shop. I go…

My husband and I are going through couples therapy. It's kind of like a threesome for people who hate sex. It's weird for me. I live in Texas where therapy's only okay if it's to heal a bone or stop being gay. My husband thinks I work too hard. I'm a health and fitness coach. Looking at the people here in Texas, I'm obviously not working hard enough. My husband's an under-employed musician. now I'm doing stand-up on a podcast. We're basically trying to ostin each other to death. He's one of the few people who's been both a go-go-dancer and a gay club and a country Western singer, unless you count the guy that shows up at Lindsay…

Hello. I should have peed earlier. I can say. Don't you think that Nike's slogan just sounds a little passive-aggressive. Because I remember hearing it the first time. It was when my husband and I, we were fighting. And he said to me, if you spit on my mother's photo one more time, bitch, I'll divorce you. So go ahead, he said. Just do it. I did. It worked. He divorced me. This slogan actually, works every time I use it. One time my close friend texted me at 3 a.m. at night, he said, no one loves me, I'm going to kill myself tonight. I was very tired that night, sleepless. It was the first day of my period, and I said, listen, ma…

What's going on, Austin? I've been living here for a couple months now, and I think my favorite thing about Texas is your guys' lingo. Like, I love how you guys call all your thick Latinas tortes down here. you know, because that's just a Mexican sandwich. How have we not started doing that with all of the races? Like, if you hook up with a big Asian girl, you could be like, yeah, I fucked a steam bun last night. I took home a bond me, you know? If you're talking about a big white girl, you'd be like, yeah, Becky was hot in high school, but once she got married and had a couple kids, that bitch is a straight hoagie now, you know?…

I just realized I look exactly like how my last name sounds. I've been going to the same barber for a while. I keep telling her I want to look more youthful. I think she thought I meant Hitler youthful. No, last time I saw her, I had a mustache. She was like, I think we should just take a little bit off the sides. Go for that Charlie Chats. Captain, Michael Jordan, look, you know. Let's see, I recently moved back in with my grandparents. That's been a lot of fun. No, it's cool. I don't have to pay rent anymore. I don't have to do my own laundry. But the only woman I ever have over now is my grandma. I... No, it's weird. The harde…

I learned this today. They're called unit sex bathrooms because you can have sex in them one time before they escort you out of T.J. Max. They were very adamant about the second time it was a no-go, you know? I watch pornography. I was watching this video of this lady. Nice lady, I don't know, fucking... She was doing nice things to two gentlemen at the same time. I didn't fucking like it. click, you know, dislike. Thumbs out. That's just giving that lady too much power. At any point in time, she can be like, you know what? And now I'm a gay guy? I'm just trying to get a blowjob with my best friend. Now I'm into something new. Wh…

I was born on 420. And boy, did he like smoking jays. People are on TikTok now, which just used to be what I said when I saw Muslims at the airport. Times were changing. Last year, my little brother, he was a part of the Queers for Palestine protests. Ah, yes, gay Muslims. Better known as ghosts. Okay, uh, that's it. Favorite fucking comedian. We're not fucking around here anymore. This is the attitude era of Kill Tony. That is the greatest Hitler joke I've ever heard in my entire life. 20 fucking years I've been doing this goddamn shit. Waiting for that. Somehow it's been right there. Mike Fanoia. I've always wanted to see a Dav…