Kill Tony #702

All right, guys. Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school. I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to. I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day, it was a big fucking day for me, when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, "Fuck you! Fuck you!'. So I decide to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window, and says, "roll down your window, you trans bitch!". And I said, "nope! Ah!". This made this man so mad. I swear to you this h…

All right. I saw the movie Oppenheimer. During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jews science. And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right? He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom. What the hell is wrong with these people? Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut it in half. We have to do something about this. Now I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out and everybody's par…

Hello great people of Austin, Texas. And Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make-A-Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody, like making Suicide Hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish. Imagine you're the Make-A-Wish kid's dad, $50,000 in debt, swimming in medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying. That's so cute. Close the door, walk out. That sick sack of shit could have cleared my…

All right, I live in Austin now, kind of newer here. Austin's a wild city, it is very weird. I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here, saw something I've never seen in my life. I walk in there, back of the house I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock-paper-scissors. Just throwing down. I thought it was a Texas thing. I thought they were playing for money. I went to check it out. Turns out just two deaf guys on cocaine talking to each other really fast. There's like... ... We partied all night. We had a... They called it a silent disco. That's what we did. We fucking got down. Uh, I got fat. Diddy's in trouble. Y…

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. You know how to get black people and Nazis together? The Trump fist, all right? I love that fucking fist. He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion. It was crazy, y'all. The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fists are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up. I'm gonna be honest, y'all. I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton in blackface. I also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves. You know what I mean? Like, if it wasn't for sports, music, and the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision. If Mexicans wer…

So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth? About the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of, like, checking for monsters under the bed. But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is, and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck.

I didn't even know Dollar General had like corporate. I just imagine a guy like me like, "fuck n*gga you're fired.". It's over boss get the fuck out of here dog it's over. Damn I was in LA I was around the fires I was there. I blamed the gays. That's who I blamed for. It's funny, because I was riding around, and I seen, like, all the houses on fire and shit, and you know what was crazy? You know what was still standing? You know what was still standing? All the ash in the rubble and all the fires, what was still standing was brick chimneys. Why not make the houses out of that next time? That made the most sense ever, you fucking…

What's up comedy mothership? My name is Joe Bean. I got a question for y'all. And have y'all ever grown up skinny in a fat-ass Mexican family? Hell no. A bunch of white folks here tonight. Oh, there's a Mexican right there [points to audience member]. Fat, nevermind. Let me tell y'all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family. Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me Skin and Bones when I was a kid. It's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family. Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid. I'm like, come on, grandma, you're skinny as fuck too. What the fuck? My grandma's dea…

A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right? The teacher of the years, parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community? And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think's voting for teacher of the year? It's the students that are fucking the teacher. It's a hell of a campaign to go. I'm not saying there's a correlation. Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down, am I right? It does feel like the teachers got together, and they were like, hey…

Ew! Ew! Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil. That's not necessarily the case. Another way is looking for terrorists and weapons of mass destruction. Little bit about myself. My birthday is... My birthday is 420. For most people, that's a day of celebration, right? But every so often, I get somebody who will come and let me know, like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler? And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact. No one's ever told me that before in 27 years. And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday wi…

Brrr a second [burps extremely loudly]. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. [burps extremely loudly] That was pretty cool. [burps extremely loudly] Sorry. I'm dyslexic. Yeah. I can burp on command. [burps extremely loudly] It's pretty cool. I actually have an OnlyFans for it. [burps extremely loudly] Only burps. That's five dollars. I'm sorry. You're cool. You're hot. I was supposed to do a joke. [burps extremely loudly] Um, thank you. Um, yeah, my dad... Hey, this is what bombing looks like. Um, someone was like, that's not

I am so fucking tired of being poor. I'm about to snap. When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now. Remember when you were a kid, you thought million dollars, that's a fucking summer house in Italy, downtown apartment in Austin, now a million dollars one bedroom in Pflugerville. Now I feel bad for millionaires I'm like fuck Chick-fil-A is hiring I don't know. When you look at rich people don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like where they talked, where the bag is at, you know? Because my school was like, Alphabet, Hitler, and then they were like, okay, now go pay taxes. What the fuck was alg…