Kill Tony #701

Alright, so listen, so usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do. People understand that people think it's funny. But when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. And I'm going to tell you, my worst place that I hate the most in the all of America is Rochester, New York, right? That place can get blown to smithereens fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kill Tony, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm going to read to you. This is what it said. He said, it said, "suck a dick. You pussy, fuck wherever you fr…

Hello, hello. Okay, so I can't get up here and not recognize what today is. It's January 6th. For you it's happy Insurrection Day. For the rest of Texas it's happy Resurrection Day. Tony I always knew that you and I had something a little bit in common whenever I was watching your Madison Square Garden and you said that Puerto Rico was garbage. I was like I knew he knew my ex-husband and then I watched your comedy special and you talked about the fags and cunts and I'm like oh my god that confirms it. He definitely knows my ex-husband and his mother. So, that's all I got. That's all I got.

What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has Hep C, so... Um, I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. This big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head. This has been called a faggot one too many times. I'm like, get this crow out of my head, I'm like, this is a faggot now, Bryson. Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me. Took 30 methadone,…

Hello Austin how you doing. I'm here with my uh my new fiancé, she just uh got us tickets and we got to fly out here to come see the show. Um she's pretty new to my family she just got to meet all of us uh this thanksgiving, for the first time. I come from a big family uh four brothers and a sister she was very nervous meeting the family um so as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything uh we call it a dressing she said, "what's the difference between dressing and stuffing?". I said, "well I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this.". Just kidding. She's gonna kill me for that she did lik…

When a man gets pregnant, does a baby come out of his asshole? Could you imagine being the delivery doctor? I mean, dude's gonna shit a baby? You're like, push. Oh God, that was fucking disgusting. The dads are horrified. Sue you for hate speech, you piece of shit. You gotta feel bad for gays that want kids though. First you gotta come in his dick hole. Sounds hard. Right, Tony? But I have a solution. It's a double-ended fleshlight. Now gays can stare each other in the eyes. You know, fuck with a little decency. Or you could just pull the plug from the middle right as you both come. Then it's like a little gay fountain. So basica…

Hello, Austin, how you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health. A hypocrite, because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Give it to me. Right now. You can put it right here, doc, put it right. You said 40 pounds in two months? Both sides, put it on both. Lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub toget…

Austin, thank you guys so much. You guys are y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me, and he's like, "excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant?". I'm like, nah, I usually get Dalzine from Street Fighter. oga play. Yeah, but I'm not technically even black. Nah. Like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like, we pretend to be black. So... Fuck that bitch. Because today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating. 51st State yeah, here we come. But, yeah, I just got back from Japan, and people wanted to take pictures with me. Honestly, I didn't k…

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that 23 and me. Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas. 23 and me. They're all at UT. I'm not really into politics. My friend asked me what my political views are. And I'm just, I don't know. He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama? And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white. I went to Mexico City. I learned about mole. This lady was teaching it. She goes, there's green mole, there's red mole, there's brown mole. I'm like, I got a question. She's like, yeah. Is guac a mole? Thank you.

I love Asian men. I do. All my ex-boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized. Which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me. And instinctively, I grab my purse, even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet though. Thank you guys, I appreciate it.