Kill Tony #727

What's going on? Austin? I, I dunno if this is weird. When I was 13 years old, my stepdad taught me how to masturbate. And I don't, I listen, I give him credit because at at that age, all of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees. But Dale looked at me and was like, Todd's gonna have to learn how to take care of himself. So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off on a banana with a banana. His banana, his dick. He jerked off in front of me. And, and here's the weird part, this is what has always stuck out in my memory, is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt. You know, like, well look, I just…

Hell yeah. I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience. She's so precious and small. I'm looking at life through a different lens now. I got a protect her. You know, like I just re-watched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl dad. It's crazy 'cause I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie. Like I wanna be like this dad. Right? His daughter was kidnapped in Europe. He was given a 36 hour window to save her life and in 36 hours he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes and brought his daughter to fuck home. And I'm like, that's how you operate. If your daughter kidnapped you get your ass up and you go get her.…

Hello. Hello. Hello. So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All right. Normally, normally there is. Which is crazy. So I played a new game called Do Hard Drugs and see who turns to Jesus first. Yeah. I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar. One girl that was like 40, I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25. We go back to the apartment, we hanging out, they doing lines and shit. Talking about, oh yeah, you should see my white field that I go to church in. Oh my God, you go to St. Bernard's. I go to St. Oh my God, Augustine, we should go together. And I'm like, you know what? I think Ram…

All right. I don't know what's going on. Must be a black bang or so shit. Alright, that's cool. But I heard they put aborted fetuses and some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it. I'm like, damn man, I'm glad I ain't get that shot. Had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like depending on like who got the abortion, you gonna have the essence of a trauma filled bitch and an unwed seed in your motherfucking van. She would've fucked my circadian rhythm up. Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep. But human beings, they fucking resilient though. It was this dude who was protesting climat…

Hi, I am Johnny Mockney. I'm a teacher during the day. That's my day job. I teach high school seniors. They're eight years younger than me. They, it's weird being so close in age to your kids. 'cause they, they, they know your weaknesses. You know, like I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class and before I could say anything, he was like, Mockney mark, be tardy if you're gay. I was like, fuck. I was like, you and this one kiddo. And they get involved in your personal life too. Like, a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup. 'cause the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk. So they're all like, Mockney…

Hi guys. I'm a, I'm a bilingual. I speak Japanese and English, and I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak. Like English concept is more confident, but Japanese concept is like more, it's like a little pervert. You know? Like for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street, English concert goes, mm, I want to hit that ass. But Japanese cons goes, mm, I want to get onto crowded Japanese train and casually tap that ass when I'm having a sex English counselor goes, I wanna pound you all night until you break down girl. And Japanese constantly goes, I have a work tomorrow. That's my ti…

So I wanna a rape whistle 'cause I like to blast off a little tune before I get started. I went hitchhiking recently and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? Y'all see me, right? If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it. Do you know how hard it's for guys to fuck me with my consent? I've just spread my legs as far as I can on them down there with a Call of Duty headset and give them directions. You're gonna go six clicks to the north, you're gonna go through the main tunnel, the two smaller tunnels on either side or dead ends. And at the end…

My name is Jo Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Black Hawk pilot. Yep. Happy pride. I've been fired by President Trump. He said You're fired. Yep. So I figured I'd start my career in standup comedy. I hear it's very lucrative. So here I am, first time signing up and this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans. I'm always like kinda self-conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away. But men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick. Yeah. So that answered that question. Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Black hawk…

Little about me obviously I'm a big fan of the Little Mermaid. Yeah, not so much aerial. I like that Ursula. Yeah, I like that big bitch. She got ride or die. Bottom bitch energy. That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with. And she's got eight legs. That's four pussies. I know math. She's got them big old squid tits. Big old sack of mud titties. We call 'em back home kind of tit. You can smack one tit and it'll roll out. Come back like the tide and big old sheet cake lunch Lady jugs kind of titties. Got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwich juice. I like a bitch so big or titties starting th…

What's up guys? I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged. I'm five one on a good day, which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women. But not for any weird like fetish reason. Like most normal people. I just wanna hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance at a normal life. But I can't date tall women anymore. I can't do it. My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me 'cause I was gonna go out on a Monday night and do some show called KILL TONY. And she was like, well my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit and she needed to be nurtured and comforted. So she…

One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy is that I don't fit in, I don't fit into the comedy scene of Houston where I'm from. I don't fit in with all these other comedians mainly because like they all grew up class clowns or they're molested. The lucky ones are both. And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either of those things to happen. For me at least without being my fault. Like if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing? It's been kind of a tough year. We took away PornHub in Texas, got so bad this morning at Jack off using my imagination. Turns out I'm pretty fuckin…

Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule. It was a long break, Tony. Okay. I like the, I like the name Thirston. First of all, sounds rich. Second of all, he a thought lately in the mirror. I've been battle, practicing battle wrapping people I'll probably never beat. Like I've got a new brand new daughter restless in bed to help her fall asleep. I read the lyrics to write, said Fred, that's actually me if I was battle rapping, right? Said Fred. It was a long break, Tony. Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo. I didn't even know bees played p…