Kill Tony #716

So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr. Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back home in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money. And I was confused. I was like, where are the horses even getting the money? So... So my parents want grandkids, right? And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing, a homemade cream pie video. You know, my parents hate to see me coming. Okay, so I'm in therapy now, right? And my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts. I was like, I ain't…

Have y'all ever broke y'all straw while trying to open it, and it ruins your drinking experience. Do you think babies feel the same when sucking on pierced nipples? Because they got to take the piercing out, right? And when they do, you think it comes out in three like a Bellagio fountain? Is that the logistics? I don't know. A little bit about myself. I am half Haitian. And y'all heard what Trump said, how we eat pets. I'm also half Korean. So I guess you could say I really got that dog in me. You know what I'm saying? Who knew a Haitian dad and a Korean mom would make a beige Hawaiian punch guy? Who knew that's what it was? I'm…

I'm very good at Spanish. Hola. But I can't roll my R's. Unless I'm saying the N-word. The number's like, oh, my God, she can roll her R's. It's a distraction. I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I don't like child porn. So funny about that, you freak. Right, because every time I watch it, right, every time I shove that flash drive right into my fucking PC to watch my CP, acting's too immature. Kids are always like, oh, where am I? I'm hungry, grow up. It's show business, baby. How the fuck did you think Bieber made it? He got ushered into the diddying. Baby, baby, baby oil. Diddy did it, hot take. The brand of the baby oil was Johns…

Everyone's good. We're good. All right. Yeah, no, This is, yeah, no, I get it because you guys saw me, you're like, this guy ain't afraid of nothing, You know, and then you heard me and you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark. That's what that is. I was told I sound like the person I look like I kidnapped. That's what am I doing? All right. Okay. I don't mind being a big guy. You know, usually pretty safe. Right? Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and This is before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, You know, so streets are so ruled with crime and gluten. And this dude popped out to mug me and I was like, nah man, ge…

The other day I got a sad ending massage. They busted on me. So it was just kinda like, what the fuck dude? Fucking Groupon. You know, mom, can you pick me up? Not going back there. But that place sucks. I was, I was thinking about that phrase, thoughts and prayers. It's like people said after tragedy, they're like, I send you my thoughts and my prayers. I get send you your prayers. That makes sense. But it's like you wanna send your thoughts. Say, yeah, I'm praying for your family tits. Thinking about getting a bike. What else? Fucking might have lasagna later, but dang. Lasagna titties. That'd be cool.

What's up? It's good to be here. Thank you sir. I am Hans Kim. That's fine. And I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas. I'm Chinese. So there will be 145% tariff added to your bill tonight. Take a good look at this shirt. You're gonna have to make it soon. Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason. It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail. Just trying to get a mineral deal outta Ukraine. What is this guy Kam Patterson? I'm not retarded, but I want your rocks. I blame the Democrats. Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy. He's got a finishing move. He's 2 and 0 against women r…

You know, what's the worst time to be a, when you're hiding it from your wife and kids. Oh. Oh. That's all you get for free. Thank you. [ Poncho. You have, you have 34 seconds left. You're killing - Tony ] If you're gonna cheat on me, cheat on me with a lesbian. You know why? That way I know you really never got penetrated by a big veiny real dick. Y'all were just playing with dildos and licking each other. Yeah, I should have ended earlier.

Hello guys. I couldn't tell my ex-girlfriend what I was into in the bedroom 'cause then none of her friends would wear open toe shoes around me. I, I've been in the, in the closet for a long time about my foot fetish 'cause I was smelling all the shoes. Yeah. I don't know what you guys are trying to do when you meet the right lady. I'm just trying to get off on the right foot. I don't know. Even when I get with a girl, I don't even know what to fucking do. I was with this girl the other day. She's like, choke me, choke me. I'm like, is it that bad? She's like, no, I've been bad. I was like, no, you were great. Thank you guys.

Make some fucking noise. Austin, let's go. Florida is in the, I just moved you from Florida. Anybody from Florida in here? There's three people in here that can't read. That's what we, I took a girl on a day yesterday. She got a, she got a T-bone steak. I ordered a ette. Mcni. That's how I knew she's, oh, you're from Florida. I said, bitch, you racist. Anyways. Austin's weird. I've been here a year now. I just found out that my roommates were swingers. That's awkward. Yeah. I found out the hard way. I woke up to let having sex on top of me. That's not whole room smell like booty hole and corn chips. I knew, but I'm single, so of…

Austin. What is up? How you doing? Hell yeah man. So I, I've been married for 12 years, so I'm ready to start dating again. I wanna know what love is, You know? Nah, my wife's my best friend. There's nothing sad about that. But she makes jokes too. She has jokes of her own too. You know, like anytime she's feeling her age, feeling old, she's like, oh, just trade me in already. You know? Just trade me in for a new remodel. Like she's a car. Right. And I love my wife. I would never trade her in. I do wanna get a rental though. You know? Something fun. Something new to me. Maybe something yellow. A lot of people don't get that joke.…

Hello. I had, I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool. I could tell she was goth. 'cause when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing. She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that? I told her no. I know that cu is good for your skin. 'cause my belly button is glowing. Look at this shit bitch. Take a look. Fucking idiot. All right. I do. I do mass shootings, but it's with a t-shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State. You know, give it over. But when you open the T-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow. All right. I like how Michael Jackson said it didn…

Yeah that's the black dance right there. The Dougie. You don't matter. Don't matter what beat is going on man. A nigga going Dougie. Man. This is a nice crowd. This is not an open mic for show. Ah, a little bit about myself. I Yo baby, that's a, that's a crazy non-American last name right there. I was born and raised in Nigeria. Don't get scared when I tell people that they want to put their phones away, man. Think I'm gonna send 'em an email. So let's chill. It's not coming. It's nah. Being born and raised in Nigeria, man. Make you appreciate things that y'all in America take for granted. You know, clean air, clean water. Y'all…

Without slavery, I could have been that nigga. Yikes. I be, I be going to clubs and shit. I go to clubs a lot and I went to a club recently about home of Florida and one of the bouncers had like had one of the wine things and he wandered the bottom of my feet and I left that line immediately dog. Because I don't wanna go nowhere. They getting foot pistols in. That's crazy. That's psychopathic. And I also have a theory about bouncers, not the bouncers here because they are regular people. But I think like bouncers anywhere else are all gay. That's what I think. Think they big gay niggas. That's what I think big undercover gay nigg…