Kill Tony #759

I'm asking what my type is. I'm really into Arabic, guys. I find them very attractive. I like their thick hair, sharp facial features. Every time I see one on the street, I go up to them, I say, sir, can you please cover your hair and your skin? You make me feel very lustful. I can't help but want to touch you right now. When they don't comply, I throw rocks of them. See, when I'm rich, I'm going to throw big parties and I'm going to invite a whole bunch of very attractive Arabic male models. So I'll pay you shit in their mouth. I'm really good at it, you know? I just tell them, hey, Habibi, Habibi. Lay down. Open your mouth. Thi…

Who knows how big. Who knows how big their dad's dick is? Right? We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like my dad, I know how big is my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom, like, leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning? Her left tit grazes yo…

Who knows how big. Who knows how big their dad's dick is? Right? We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like my dad, I know how big is my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom, like, leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning? Her left tit grazes yo…

How's going? You know, the modern world is different. you know, brownie points used to me one thing, but now it means a higher chance of anal. And if you remember, there's a pilot shortage, I'm not sure if it's still going on, but begs the question, did anyone ask the band 21 pilots for help? Like, I know there's sound. It's not that complex. I bet they could have spared, like, 16 or like 17 pilots. I find it strange that we name storms after people. Like, is that like all, like, ex-girlfriends of ex-boyfriends, you know, just like a meteorologist looking forward to a hurricane. It's like, yeah, like you fucking you, you like my…

Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like, yeah, because we're like, cool. You know, and I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. Another girl I dated, she played super hard…

Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like, yeah, because we're like, cool. You know, and I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. Another girl I dated, she played super hard…

I'm from Wisconsin. And most people don't know much about Wisconsin other than that we have cheese. And believe it or not, I did work at a cheese factory. I was one of the guys that made sure all the Swiss cheese had holes in it. No, just kidding. I wish that was my job. My job was actually making sure those guys stayed hard. Thank you. Speaking of hard, being an adult is hard. As a kid, everything felt like an adventure, and now everything just kind of feels like a responsibility. Like, I get stressed out even just leaving my house. I'm like, am I on time? Did I turn off the oven? Did I pay rent? Phone, wallet, key? micro penis.…

How's it going, Austin? It has become problematic for me to take showers alone again recently. And that is because I listen to hip-hop in the shower. And I do not censor myself when Wu-Tang comes on. Thank you. But recently, Kanye was on my speaker. I was washing my armpits and I just, I kind of just felt a little strange when I was listening to Kanye, so I had to skip the song. I'm sure you guys know which song it was. But after I skipped that song, Puff Daddy and the family came on and it was fitting to get loose. And I don't know if you guys know this, but the first like 20 to 30 seconds of that song is puff daddy just breathi…

Y'all know how hard is to drive Uber when you're a big black dude named Courtney? People don't believe it's my car. I had a lady once go, are you sure this is your car? You know, you hear a joke and you think she's playing, but she's like, and because I'm a comic, I'm all like, nah, we stole this motherfucker together. Let's go! Happy Black History Month, by the way. Yeah. All right, so anyways, I'm recently taking a tolerance break from weed. I don't hate weed. I just don't like the things that I do when I'm on it. Like, I'll go to my son's basketball game and cheer for the wrong team. I also do stupid things. Like, forget I'm d…

I talk to somebody and they say they got simplest and you only find out it's only one or two of them nigg*s. That's not siblings. This is wrong with the country. We need big family energy back in the goddamn states. There's a certain thing you get when you get... Like, I grew up in a townhouse. We only grew up with two-bedroom townhouse. We all slept on one king-sized mattress, all six of us. Nigg*r, wasn't no boogeyman, nigga. We'll jump that nigg*r. You know what I'm saying? We'll jump. I wish the, nigg*, we'll come heart my sister dreams, nigg*. We'll jump that n*gger. There's a different kind of attitude you get. Because I gr…