Kill Tony #709

Hey, what's up, guys? Good to be here. I'm glad the election is over. That shit was horrible. Now the only campaign I have to worry about is trying to understand what Cam Patterson is saying to me. I, uh... You know, I can't wait for the grocery store prices to go down as soon as we're done kicking out all the people that grow our groceries for us. Thank you, Latinos, for coming after your protest tonight. I don't get why Trump blames immigrants so much. How are they to blame? They just got here. They had no time to fuck anything up. These people who have been here a while, maybe they're the problem, huh? These fucking Native Ame…

I saw an ad on a porn site recently, and there's just a guy standing there by himself completely naked, right? And he's got his dick in one hand and a Pringles party stack can in the other. And they're the same size. So now I'm not watching porn, obviously. I'm Googling how big that fucking Pringles can is. Save you guys the trouble. 16 inches. That's a lot of fucking Pringles. You know what I'm saying? Do the math on that. That's two eight-inch dicks. That's two good dicks. Feel like you guys need a visual. I could stand here tonight with that Pringles cannon. Fuck it. And then another guy with the same size dick as me. Could fu…

Hello. This is an impression of a guy who's trying to be threatening but he forgot his gun. All right here it is. Are we gonna have a fucking problem here pal? You want to take it here dipshit? Shit like that. I've been jerking my dick crazy. I've been watching these J.O.I. videos. Have you guys seen these? J.O.I. All right a lot of guys playing Ray Charles right now that's all right. That's all good. It's cool they're it's always white ladies though I notice it's always white ladies in the J.O.I. videos. It's short for jerk-off instruction by the way. For cowards and women it's short for jerk-off instruction. All right can I fin…

Hi. I'm Eve. I moved here to Austin like a year ago from New York, which makes me better than everybody. And I don't really blend in very well in Austin. I've heard some people tell me that, that I have like a real New York vibe, which I think is them being like, you're such a fucking Jew. You're such a dirty little Jew. And I'm like, I know. Spit on me. Make me cum. Any other Jews allowed in here? Yeah. In the back. I'm not a religious Jew. I'm just a New York Jew, which is like Jewish, but just for business purposes only. So I don't follow the Jew rules. I eat bacon. I love, love foreskin. Just, you know, together is the best…

Good evening kill Tony people. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I am deeply disappointed that I have aged out of being a sugar baby. Had I known all the ways life was not gonna work out for me. I'd have been cool with being kept. Now all the men who can afford me want teenagers. Which is super stupid. I passed the period part of menopause a while ago. You're not gonna knock me up. I can't sue you for child support. I will understand your 80s references because I was alive then, but that's okay. Keep playing in the kiddie pool. Did y'all know there's a bunch of dudes out there paying big bucks for sweaty socks. I Wear a nine and a ha…

Hello, how you doing? All right. I'm back. I'm not Nick, I'm back. Anyway, I smoked a lot of pot in the 80s and 70s. Maybe 80s and 90s. Now I don't care what the fucking temperature is. I'd get so high it would take me an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. I did some coke, I watched it in seven minutes flat. What the fuck, motherfucker? That amyl nitrate? I thought it was anal nitrate. I've been putting that shit up my ass. No wonder I didn't get high. Yeah, shit, being on Kill Tony, I got some work. I went to Tijuana. I was big down there. They said, Benjamin Grelli, pen de ho grande. It means big funny man in Spanish, they to…

This is dope, y'all. I'm having a good time, yo. Happy to be here, man. I'm really happy to be here, yo, because tonight's normally the night where me and my wife, we do this thing called Netflix and chill. Y'all heard of that? Where she watches Netflix and I have to go chill somewhere else? I'm kidding, man. I love my wife, yo. I have to. She makes more money than me. I realize I'm the housewife. I noticed this the other night when I was ironing her work clothes, which is messed up because she work from home. I need a new weed dealer, man. Last time I hit my weed dealer, the last time I hit my weed dealer up was voice text. I s…

All right, do y'all know I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records. Y'all know this, yeah, it's pretty cool. World's longest infant penis. Thank you, thank you. I'm very proud of that, very proud of that. In fact, the doctors hand wrote in my medical records, it says, wow, we thought it was a baby anaconda. Yeah, I'm very proud of my records. In fact, I had my record for about one day. Only one day, yeah, as it turns out, they measured the umbilical cord instead of my penis. So yeah, it was kind of embarrassing there. But yeah, so that's my one minute, thank you.

So, I've been thinking a lot about what Kamala Harris would sound like if she was a guy. So, I have an impression of Kamala Harris if she was a guy. Please be a good crowd. Please be a good crowd. Hey, shit man, hey man, you know me, man. Hey man, hey man, so you know I was walking to the store, man, just giving me some Valentine's Day gifts from my boo thing, Dougie Doug, man. You know Doug, man, you know my boo, man. And shit man, not all the fuck, man, shit. No, but like, I'm looking for some flowers and shit, man, some chocolate, and then I pull up to the dude, right, with my chocolates and my flowers and shit, man, you know,…

He just did a fucked up impression of me. That pissed me the fuck off. How you going to beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch? That made me angry as shit. And Camara said, what the fuck? I'm doing it right now, as you can tell. That's my voice, bitch. It's good, though. You know what's funny? I feel good doing comedy, dog. I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog. That's not funny, bitch. That's good. I am. Like, I was walking down the street that day, a dude came up to me and said, but you don't understand something, bro. Like, seeing your ass do stand up and shit, like cutting out of trenches, that…