Kill Tony #743

So I was, I was adopted at six years old. And adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It's mostly leftovers. I mean, your choices are typically dark or darker. Never any white chocolate. It's fine. But lately I've been, I've been really connected with my roots, right? Like I've been working on my impressions. This is an impression of L-G-B-T-M-L-K. I had a dream and that dream was pretty gay. It was a gay dream. It's not great. It was, yeah. Not great. But, you know, I have worked a lot of strange jobs as well. I, I used to work with mentally handicapped orphans. It's a true story. And now I work with the Legion of sks. Some…

Hey guys. I recently did one of those new things that I've never done before, which is getting in those Waymo cars. Yeah, that was kind of cool. I get into the car and the computer turns on and asks me, where would you like to go? And so I was like, take me on an experience I've never been on before. I really hate when people brag about how many black friends they have. Like, why are we bragging about how many bad friends we have? I've been working on other animal impressions, so I'm gonna do a, a nasty and rude giraffe. Are you guys ready? Yes. All right. Hey guys, I'm Taylor Swift and I just released a new album.

Thank you. What's up? I just got a, I just got a new cat. I just got my first cat actually. She's a beautiful orange cat named her macaroni after my favorite kind of necklace. Yeah. She's a great cat. I love her. But she's my first cat, so I'm still trying to figure out like how to raise her. So I decided to raise her the way that I was raised, you know, so like every morning I just call her a pussy and remind her, remind her I wanted a dog, you know. Yeah. No, but she's, she's a good cat. You know, she's a good, she, she's been doing this weird thing though, where Ma Macaronis been throwing up a lot, which I think is weird. 'cau…

Make some noise if you love your mother. Hell yeah. I love my mother, but that bitch is crazy. I, I overheard her on the phone with customer service the other day and she was so pissed, so pissed that they had given her an Indian, somebody with an Indian accent. And she was so pissed that she demanded an American. Yeah. And then that American did not understand her Indian accent. Yeah. When I was 17, I got arrested and like an Indian mother, her first instinct when she saw me there in the precinct was to just slap me across the face. And the cop had to pull one of these. He was like, Nope. Didn't see it. Didn't see it. And then s…

What's up y'all? I was at a party in Los Angeles recently. Boo. I was there with my friend and she's a Chinese immigrant lesbian. And that's not important for the story, but I just need you to know I'm a good person. So we're at this party, really fancy party. They had drink menus and everything. And Ling Ling walks up to me in the middle of the party and she goes, Hey Davy, she had an accent, but I'm not gonna do the accent obviously. She goes, Hey Davy, what's this drink on the menu? A negro knee? Jesus Christ. Ling Ling. Lower your voice first of all. All right. It's called a Negroni. All right. She goes, oh, Negroni. Is that…

Who wants to see me do some crowd work? Well, I can't talk, so you're not fucking gonna fine. I'll give it a try. Hello? Random person who I'm never gonna see again. What's your name? That's a stupid name. I'm gonna talk to someone else. What about you? What's your name? Abby. Hello. Insert name here. What do you do for work? Just so everyone can't hear insert name here. Said they work as an insert job here. Do you like insert job here. Hello? Insert name here. What do you do for work? Depending on what you said, I'm either happy for you or sad for you. Just kidding. I don't really give a fuck. My crowd work is great. It's just p…

Austin, are you having fun tonight? Let's go. This city is gorgeous. I mean, you guys are absolutely beautiful. I just let that dump they call Knoxville. Lemme tell you guys, that place is dirty. I mean, there's trash and garbage all over the place. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, the streets are literally riddled with litter. But not here though. Not in Boston. As a matter of fact, ever since I've shown up, I haven't seen one Puerto Rican. Yeah, I know. It's a little insensitive. I might have a couple screws loose. You know, I'm working. I'm out. I got a therapist now. Come to find out I got this whole multi personality schi…

You know about being able to beat the last level of so the Hedgehog while you a kid, but they come repo the TV while you playing it because your friends mama stop having sex with the n*gga from Rent Center. Yeah. Yeah. Y'all know Shit about me. What. You, what you know about your uncle getting caught with a felony amount of stolen fre plugins that he stole from the local target, like thousands and thousands of them. And the only reason why the cops found him is 'cause he had 'em plugged into every single outlet. So his light bill was $10,000 and his house wreaked of ocean breeds. Yeah. You know, shit about my life. Y'all know me.…

How are we doing everyone? I'm Alessio. I'm I'm Italian of Jewish descent, which means I like my salami without the skin. Also means that while half my family were hiding in World War ii, the other half were seeking. Yeah, that's true. By the way, my granddad fought for the Nazis in World War ii, which was not good for his LinkedIn. Yeah. But it did make for pretty good dinnertime conversations. You know, I could ask my granddad questions like, granddad, did you ever commit any war crimes? And he'd just look at me with those big blue eyes. Nine. I was like, is that no other number? 'cause it makes a big difference. But, you know,…

I was on one of those family tree websites the other day and I discovered that I have at least three generations of pedophiles in my family. You can find us on ancestry.com. Some families came over on the Mayflower. We came over on the D flower. I was running outta material so I started dating again. This time outside of the family, just because somebody can make you come doesn't mean that they're your boyfriend. They could be your grandpa. Oh wow. We were a family with benefits instead of dental and vision. We had oral and annual.

Everybody's an honor to be at the show. However, I'm a little sad. Couple years ago we lost my favorite comic. He was a legend, so I thought I would do an impression of him for y'all tonight. When I was a little Jewish boy, my mother always told me to eat my fruits and vegetables, but I don't think she had in mind the sloppy, disgusting, filthy threesome with Tony Hinchecliff and Fiona Cauley. I've never seen this many black men on a stage since Tony Hinge. Cliff tried to buy slaves and look at this beautiful audience. I haven't seen this many pieces of garbage since Tony Hinge Cliff and I took a trip to Puerto Rico.

Hey, good to be here. I am also a stunt driver. There was a stunt over there. I, you might have seen my work on I 35 trying to make a u-turn. Something I've noticed about comedy audiences is that a lot of people are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes. I think that's 'cause you don't get to come after a mass shooting unless you do it right? Yeah, I'm a pretty good guy. I don't have any problems with the Jews. Okay. I think, I think they're human beings equal to Mexicans and gays. My girlfriend is Jewish. I love having a Jewish girlfriend. I can just give her money for her birthday. They love old paper. These Jews…