Kill Tony #717

What is up Austin? I have a weird relationship with my mom. Does anybody else have a weird relationship with my mom? My mom never understood boundaries when it came to me. Like she never understood that there were things I don't want to hear my mom say. Like I remember one time she came home and she said, Hey Todd, I got a joke. I go, what's that? And she goes, why can't miss piggy count to a hundred? I said, why? And she said, because at 69 she gets a little fog in her throat. I was like, mom, that's disgusting. Also, I think it should be frog. She goes, what do you mean frog? I go, at 69, she gets a little frog in her throat. I…

Hello everyone. I hope you guys had a good 4/20, or Easter if you're gay. I, I hate when people say that weed doesn't like have any medical benefits. We can save your life. You know, like I was a piss test away from working at Walmart. You guys, oh man. It is good to be here. I'm having a weird day though. I'm having one of those days where your ex calls you from the psych ward. Anyone else date the homeless? It's fun. It has benefits. Like, you know, you get the fuck at the park, you just have to sleep there too. That sucks. That sucks. But we wound up breaking up 'cause I got a place, you know, and I brought her indoors and she…

I just found out high blood sugar. Doctor asked me what I've been eating. I said a lot of blood, a lot of sugar. You know, as an ice squad, that'd be really sweet to go to prom with my grandma. But it wasn't, she went home with somebody else. I think water bottles are getting too big. It's like you go to the gym, you see a girl. She just has like a scuba tank with a straw in it. You gotta climb it to drink out of it. Mm. I like to do this thing. I'll go to the gym with like a gallon jug and I just fill it full of white claws. I saw the ladies like, wow, good for him. I'm like, you wanna see how much I can pinch press? Do you take…

Tyler Perry just got the rights to remake Schindler's List. Yeah, the original was in black and white. This one's just gonna be in black. They're gonna go with the tagline you thought ashy elbows was bad. And instead of one movie, it's a whole Madea franchise Diary of Ari Matti, black Nazi, the Mammy and the striped Mumu. Madea is Big Fat Holocaust. I know you ain't putting me in the back of this train car.

Hey guys. Yeah. I don't like when people in North America say, Hey yo respect. You know, instead of saying bye. 'cause in Japan we take respect to a whole other level. You know, like for example, I'm 28 years old. Make some noise if you're younger than 28 years old. Nice. So you guys mean nothing to me. Look at all in Japan, we ask ages all the time. 'cause we have to decide what kind of relationship we're gonna have going forward. Like, are you gonna be my daddy or are you gonna be my bitch? That's why. That's why, you know, 'cause in North America it's not good to ask ages. So that's why I have no choice. But guess people's age…

So they say, if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. So I smoke weed every single day. Right. Thank you. A couple claps, but hey, I do wish I would've been a cokehead to be quite honest, at least for a little bit. 'cause I would've got what? Like, social media calls into higher value rooms with higher value. People, like for better networking skills would've done great for me. They say you can't make a housewife. Right. Maybe true. Real fucking easy to make one. A co-parent. I'll tell you that much Right now. And if you're an ab a single parent, you know, I am not saying the mother of my first child's a hoe…

What's up guys? So there's this video I know a lot of people have seen. It's this primitive African tribe trying PTO for the first time. And it's like, it's crazy. Like they're trying to like open the bottle with their teeth, you know, eventually they cut it open with machete, they drink the soda and it like completely changes their life. Their eyes just light up, you know, like they're just completely changed people from before they drink the soda and after like they give something to their elders, like, oh, please try the soda. This is amazing. You know, and I'm just like thinking to myself while I'm watching this video, like,…

Hey. Hey. I'm from Oklahoma, which is just here, but worse. Not good. Very, very religious state, but somehow we also legalized weed a few years back. Yeah. Only state that I've ever seen a dispensary advertised with Bible verses. I remember there was this one out on the radio. I'll, I'll recreate it for you guys. It started out it was like, aha. Lord, you are the most high. Amen. Bye. One, get one free at Ed Dies burning bush all week long. Can't spell salvation without sativa. Spelling joke. Sometimes when I say that I'm from Oklahoma, I'll get these people making really racist jokes towards Native Americans at me. They're like…

Yoyo. Happy Easter. I love how religious Americans are on God. Estonia is one of the most atheist countries in the world. You asking an Estonian, do you believe in a higher power? We're like, I don't even believe in myself. Dude, you tell us there's an afterlife. We're like, fuck, there's more. Can I just fucking die? I went on a date with like a religious girl here. She's Catholic. And then after the day we go to her place and she's like, don't worry, we can still do anal. I love how religious chicks treat their asshole like an offshore account in The Bahamas. It's out outside the jurisdiction. I love how she thinks she's gonna…

Well, you know, some people are addicted to porn. Yeah, it's true. I'm addicted to Tinder. You know, it's like I always swipe right for everybody. 'cause it's a numbers game. Kind of like Russian roulette. Well, if they're Russian, I swipe left 'cause I don't fuck white bitches. But no, seriously though, like I have bad luck dating. Don't know why. So like when I, every time I'm on Tinder, I send the same message. Right? Like, hey, my name is Mike Love. I like long walks on the beach. I like to go dancing. Ultimately I'm looking for someone to kick it with. I thought it was a good message. One girl responded, you're an asshole, y…

Okay. I'm not gay but I do yoga sometimes because back home in Russia you need to explain these kind of hobbies. It's very homophobic place. You know, you wash your hands twice a day. Gay, you cut your hair twice a year. Gay. You went to Thailand and rented lady boy for two weeks. Well, package was cheaper. Okay. And cheaper than a real woman too. Congratulations guys. America is great again. Huh? You feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No genders, no immigrants, no abortions. Feels like mother Russia. I think. I think you guys can change the name from USA to USSA. That's it for me. Thank you.

What's up y'all? My name's Anna and I live in a van. Some people ask me what van life is like and I just tell 'em. It's a lot to unpack. Some people are mad at me for living in a van and I'm like, that's crazy 'cause I'm a nomad. I'm no mad at you for living in a house. And some people think I'm a hippie 'cause I live in a van and I'm kind of a hippie because I don't shave my armpits. I was free bleeding at a Planet Fitness this week. And I use essential oils for everything from insect repellent to chlamydia. But I'm a bad hippie. I'm not really a hippie 'cause I drive a diesel. I love a good steak and I have my license to carry,…

Carmelo Anthony has had quite the month of April. I mean first he's inducted into the basketball Hall of Fame and then he travels to a high school track, meet and kills someone. He claims self-defense, which would be the first time Carmelo Anthony attempted defense. Everybody gives Santa all the props. But what about the Easter Bunny? He has to hop, hop, hop his ass to every Christian household in America. Santa's fat ass rides in a chariot, eating cookies and drinking milk. Meanwhile, the bunny is a one man band and all we leave him is nothing but, oh, and by the way, Jesus died and rose from the dead. So have some respect. The,…