Kill Tony #782

How we doing? I'm trying to hit the gym again. It's not going good. I feel really awkward at the gym all the time. Like, I hate the process of waiting in line to use the machines. You know, like I was waiting in line to use this one machine. It's like the hip abductor. I just call it the good girl, bad girl machine. It's like good girl, bad girl. You know what machine? You know that machine at every gym that was invented by the Horniest guy of all time. He's like, I bet we can get these bitches to pop their pussies in a plane and finish, like, give him $17 million yesterday. You know? But anyways, I'm waiting to use that machine…

I want a guy to be so obsessed with me then before going down on me. He leaves my c-section like an envelope. Ha. I'm stressing out. Trump's stressing me out. Everybody keeps saying that his neck looked like a pussy. Might be dj. Don't look like that. So I think I might be growing a dick. My suspicions keep growing. I went the other day to buy some new panties of lingerie and as soon as I tried him on my dick popped out. It was like the pante was Moses and he was parting the Red Sea. Think by now it should be gay or a lesbian. But I'm bad with scissors and I'm allergic to plastic so I'm trying celibacy, you know. But she slips so…

Hey everybody. I am also Puerto Rican, but I know I look like a Jew hiding in Mexico. Anybody here fans of history? Nope. Fucking nerd. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan. I like to get high and learn about history. This is a real thing I learned in most cultures, most societies in the world. In order to have a king, you'd have to have an ancestral relationship. Yeah. 'cause you gotta keep the bloodline pure. I dunno if you guys know about genetics, you get fucked up people when that happens. Right? But I want you to imagine what it would be like to work for that king. Let me take you back a thousand years. Guy goes up to the king si…

I've worked in a lot of different kitchens, so I know that technically all food is Mexican food. I mean, I'll put it like this. If you go to a restaurant, you sit down, you don't wanna hear Coldplay coming from the kitchen. Okay. You wanna hear peso Pluma, you wanna hear bad boy? I mean, if it's my restaurant and I'm going through resumes and I gotta pick between Tyler from Seattle or Jesus de Raul Tyler is gonna hit his elf bar in the walk-in till it dies and have a panic attack in the middle of the dinner rush per ro Jesus Jesus model.

How's it going everybody? Anybody else going through a midlife crisis? Yeah, just me. Okay, well this is what it looks like. Wasn't sure at the time, but it kind of came out gay. I'm not gonna be honest. These shoes, the earrings, everything. I gotta be careful about the clothes that I choose. I have two teenage daughters and a lot of people don't know that they think I'm their same age. If they're in their twenties, I'm late twenties. If they're thirties, guess what? Late thirties. But if I'm 40 or if they're 40, I'm not 40 anymore. Down to 30 again, by the time they're 50 and 60, I'm down to 20. Okay. It's crazy. I actually hav…

Thank you. Thank you. I pull my pants all the way down the urinal. I don't have a big dick, but I have a nice ass. Yeah, This one's rough. Charlie Kirk died. I wonder if he's pissed about transitioning from Alive to Dead. Something I'm going through right now. I have two roommates. One's an elderly black lady, another one is a deaf guy and one of them, the smoke detector needs to be changed. And I do not know who to go to about it. So Chuck Norris died. RIP to the Goat. It's rumored that when they were trying to lower him down into the ground, they couldn't lower him any further. So they, they pushed the earth up six feet. So, al…

Guys, I, I hate politics, but sometimes people ask me political questions like, this dude came to me, he said, Dedrick, are you more of a boobs or a butt man? Right? And I don't like politics, but I had to answer the man. And I said, brother, I don't care what the restaurant is serving, I'm here to eat. Like, you know, like I, I'd prefer the combo meal, you know what I'm saying? If I could get both boobs and butt, that's a great combo meal. But if the chef is 86 ass today, I'm fine with the titties. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm fine with it is like Todds in french fries, nigga, I don't care. Put it in my mouth. Like, you k…

I'm a suburb negro. My black friends don't like it. They be real judgmental. They be like, yo bro, I don't know how you cool with white people, y'all. I don't like the way white people treat us. I feel like white people treat us like dogs. And I'm like, have you seen the way white people treat dogs? Oh man, you, y'all, how good is your life? How good is your existence? You not trying to be treated like a white dog. Yo white people treat the dog better than they treat their family. Whoever you ever see this shit, they'll send their parents off to a home and then adopt a three-legged rescue. Name the dog.

Well, if you like that last guy, this is gonna be different. It's, I'm half gay on my sister's side. My sister's gay. She's, she's full blown. She builds coffee tables and shit. You'd love her. She's we're Irish twins. That of course means I'm an alcoholic. She's a potato. And, and growing up she was always the favorite, you know, nicer, smarter veteran in school. But I'm her little brother. We grew up at a 1200 person town in Alabama. So she came out gay. I was like, oops, guess who's the new favorite. It's finally my time to shine now. It's just something my dad uses against me. He's like, son, why can't you just go out there a…

What's up? I'm here y'all. I'm trying to be happy. I just won't be happy. I let little Mexican kids at Ross. I'm trying to be happy like white people checking their credit. We know y'all not paying back all those loans. I'm trying to be happy like Muslim store owners, owners who come to America open gas stations and sell cigarettes. Alcohol and pork skins an shallah. But I got a lot of questions though. One of the big questions I have is how is it that Uber, Lyft and Chinese massage parlors are legal? But prostitution is illegal. I mean a ride is a ride is a ride. Right. Thank y'all. I'm Donelle Graves.

So I recently got some good green through a gay dude but I'm never going through him again 'cause he pinched my sack that and he took weed from my bag. I made a chick squirt. Yeah, it was driving me crazy so I popped this big ass pimple on her back. Next time I'll be sure to wear safety goggles. I met a half black, half Jewish person. It's the only time I've ever seen a FUBU yamaka.

I just got of a really bad relationship and just wanted to see what it felt like to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted. So no, but being new to Austin, I was back on the apps back on Tinder and I had to share a very interesting match that I got. She said it was a bunch of green flags. It was like, you know, I love dark humor and she was gorgeous about my age, you know, blonde, gorgeous girl. But it was like, I just got diagnosed with a very aggressive, rare form of cancer and I just wanna have a lot of sex and have fun before starting chemo. I know what everyone's thinking. Like talk about no strings attached. Is she,…

Folks, girls are so dumb that when you're fucking 'em, they forget to come. Ah, silly broads. Reese Lus with this gal starts calling me daddy anytime I'm in bed. And a girl does that, I always tell him the same thing. He can't help you now. Ah, I don't think saying daddy is like so much of a fetish though, as it is just about how the word sounds. Right? Because it's always daddy never just dad or Papapa. Nobody's ever throwing it back saying Yes father besides altar boys. Okay, that's it. Thank you.