Kill Tony #705

What's going on, guys? What's going on? Uh, who here likes rough sex? Who here likes rough sex with men? Just me? All right, cool. Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird - I get it. Um, I look like this. But, like, I do. I enjoy rough sex. But the problem is, I date guys who are, like, way smaller than me. And people think I date... I do that to throw them around like it's Cirque du Soleil. But that's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one. Let them be in charge. But like, for rough sex to be hot, there's gotta be that element of danger. I don't feel like I'm in danger. The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 15…

I know what a lot of you guys were thinking. You know, you heard about it at the end of my name. You're like, he's Italian, and you're right, unfortunately. I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians. Something like that. They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day, and he started doing Italian stereotypes. He started telling me. I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians? Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like…

So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which, take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in the cave. Just Abdul, get the paragliders. Just fucking, holy shit, Abdul, it's working, it's working! Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, and then it says Saturdays are for the boys. You know, just fucking committing a terrorist attack to a rave to techno. Just digga digga da, digga digga digga da, digga digga digga…

I come from your typical normal size family, you know? My sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunning my growth growing up. Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. Said, mom, I already get bullied. You know? So, nevertheless, I went, and it's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages, they put them in a ring, and we fight to the death. You know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me. I was talking to…

Hi y'all, my name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Walters and Mike Tyson. Something between the bishop on Princess Bride and Barry Crippley of Big Bang Theory. And maybe a little bit of Elmer Fudd. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank. It could have been worse. It could have been Francis or Francisco or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'Reilly? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey. What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp? I think it was…

That was horrible, though, and I just said... And I just said, talked it, so that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. Don't worry for that. Pretty stupid. I got a... My girlfriend, she pretty. That's a problem. I hate that. Only dated ugly girls by design before. Because I like ugly women, because you can mold an ugly bitch. Wherever you want them to be. Where they gonna leave you. Where you gonna go, doo-doo? You stuck with me forever. We locked in for life, you ugly whore. I love you though, you feel me? Cause a bad bitch, she know her worth. An ugly bitch not gonna…

Hey, you guys. I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know? Like my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no. Then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah. That was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure, you know? I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know? Like lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube. I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos though is because they're all titled like porn. Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is tit…

I don't think that women see me as like a threat. Like to their romantic relationships, which I find fucking ridiculous. Because I am perfect height. Laughter Applause Hmm. To suck your dude's dick. Laughter That's not a joke, that's a thread. Laughter I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That's not a joke, that's a thread. Um... I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Um... Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Uh... Talk about head cold. I'm gonna... Thank you.

I hooked up with a girl the other day, and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course. Not that kind of guy. I'm not gonna pressure you. Did you say a safe phrase? Don't you mean a safe word?" She said, no, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell out any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally. I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there gonna be numbers,…

So, uh, I live in a gentrified white neighborhood, so there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy. And it's tough, you know? It's...it's hard. It's hard being a real nigger when you live on Avocado Street. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard because people don't understand race, you know? Like, one time I was at a comedy show, and I was watching a black comedian perform. He was saying the N-word a lot. And this white woman next to me turned to me, and she was like... Am I allowed... to laugh? I was like, absolutely not. allowed to laugh. I was like, absolutely not…

When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but, damn! Oh! They just found vomit in Denmark that is 66 million years old. Red band, you never told me you did stand up for cavemen. Because when somebody does so bad, it's stand up to people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for. So I've got a rebranding opportunity. Instead of Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs. It's not about your asset size, it's your circum size. A woman recently went blind when she actually put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. I'm not a doct…