Kill Tony #760

Tony, I'm about to be fucking threatening violence against RedBan's Maws. Pussy did I, this town is not Bigger. This town is not big enough for the both of us, said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Red Band, your mama was so fat. Now there's an Ozimic shortage. The Reverend Jesse Jackson just died, and I'm trying to figure out what he did to piss off Hillary Clinton. I asked Chad GPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible. It wrote back two words, Aifex twin. A Texas grand jury declined. to indict a man who shot and killed his daughter because she said bad things about Donald Trump. I'm no lawyer…

Mothership, how we doing? I'm not doing good, guys. People say fucked up shit to me all the time, man. Someone said I look divorced. I'm 30, all right? Another person said I look like Will Smith is my favorite rapper. And then someone else said I look like a substitute that just got out of prison. I'm like, all right, that's three insults. two people in this group chat. This is why I never asked my parents for shit anyways, you know? Like I'm going on a date, I'm trying to send the selfie. How do I look in this shirt? This is what they fucking say to me. But I go on the date, and I'm getting fatter. I'm trying to articulate that…

Oh, this party's just getting... Make some noise with Timmy D, everybody. First try! Sony, somebody told me back there, this shirt looks, is racist. I'll tell you, what's racist is elephants. You never hear any white people getting killed by an elephant. How much did you got to be not paying attention to get killed by an elephant? I'd be like, hey, look, y'all. It comes... Here comes the elephants. Olae! Anyways, worst part about getting killed by elephant is you're laying there and, uh, I'm going, I'm going blank. You're like, well, yeah, well, I've been killed by elephant. And it's exactly the opposite of what you thought it wo…

I'm from Boston. You can't really hear it from my accent unless I say certain words like fact. Or khakis. Or suck my fucking dick bitch. You know, the classics. My guy friend heard my accent once. And he was like, Emily, I think it's kind of hot that you have a Boston accent. Do you use it? in the bedroom. I was like, what the fuck do you think I do in there? I'm just like, how to... Faster. No, you show me who's in charge, Daddy. I want you to pack that big mag truck right and have it garage. Or whatever catty bee says. I was having sex recently, though, and he was hitting it from the back, and I don't know where I just turn and…

Great to be here. What's so, folks? I don't know how you all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, and we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall, but we should also install a doggie door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick. Maybe two to one or three to one. I don't know what the exchange rate is. My big white gal. It's been a tough year. My best friend died from a fake Xanax that had fentanyl in it. Yeah, he would take Xanax to help him chill out. Now he's about as chill…

All right. I had to go to a baby funeral, and I'll make it silly. but uh... I don't know why I thought I was going to see other babies at the funeral I'm just looking around like I guess this wasn't one of the popular ones that's the only funeral where you can't talk to the coffin with the same voice that you talk to the person when they were alive you can just come up like you might if I say a few words a divit-dib-div-div-div-div-div-div-do-do-do-do-do-do-oh a lady got mad at me recently for saying the word retarded this woman's like you're saying the R-word? What year is it? And I was like, this retard doesn't even know what y…

Armadillos are just Mexican turtles. I thought that's what the word armadillo mean. Because I've been trying to create some secret ooze to turn these n*ggas into teenage mutant ninja Mexican turtle. You don't even gotta change the name. You know what I'm saying? It's just Ravale, Leonardo, but I'm Master Splinter. Now that I got y'all in a silly thing, I gotta get to some beef that I got. Fuck the n*gger who made the low battery noise and smoke detectors. Me, they smoke detector don't never go off. That shit be on. 15 years. N*gger, either kill yourself or not. I hate a battery that don't actually want to die. But then now I know…

Here we go. Thank you. I recently moved back to the United States after living in South Korea for 30 years. So I'm experiencing a bit of a culture shot. The biggest difference is the things you can't say now in America that you could 30 years. You can't say, apparently you can't say homeless. You have to say unhoused. I tested this theory out. I saw a homeless guy the other day and I said, do you prefer the term homeless or unhoused? And I will never forget what he said to me. It was so poignant. He said to me, stop stealing my thoughts as he stabbed me repeatedly. I'll put that down as an unhoused after I get back from the hospi…

What's up, what's up, man? I'm happy to be here in Texas, man. actually live in a spot called Dayton, Ohio. Yup, yep, and that's all it gets right there. That's it. Now, for real, men, people don't get too hype when I say I live in dating, it always gets real weird and awkward and quiet, you know. And I get it, man. Y'all must not be a big fan of a heroin, I see, because that's all we got in Southern Ohio, baby. All we got is heroin and fat white women. That's it, that's it. Hey, hey, but hold on. I'm a dip in the both. Okay. No, stop it, stop. You're laughing at the truth. Stop it, stop it. People are like, jerrel, why don't you…

What's up? Hey, the medication I take is called oral backlifan. I take oral back to thin because I don't want to take anal backliphan. It can fall out. Some people smoke wheat through an apple. I smoke through a squash. So when I'm high, I'm like, oh, I'm so squash right now. Let's get squashed. I'm trying to make it a thing. Okay, um, a scientist, hey, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And I don't know, it sounds like that scientist just had a really hot cousin, you know? I did the research, it's cool. Okay, well, that's it, but, yeah.

I just realized, I think everything is a little racist. Like, my brother got Tesla five years ago. And in five years, Tesla went from clean power to white power. Just like that. How do you hate people but love the environment? That's like if the KKK was like, yo, we're not burning no more crosses. We LED lighten them. Strove effect. We ride at dawn. We're solar powered. I don't know, man. I think everything a little racist because I'm from Virginia. You know, Virginia's race. Like, we don't have sports teams. We got support the DC teams. I didn't even know the football team's name was racist until the first game I went to. It was…

Y'all remember the first time you heard a black British guy talk? It's like, you're not supposed to sound like that. Unrelated. Would you ever see a girl a little too close with her dog? I think God, I hope I ain't fucking. That's all I got to say. Meth heads, though, you know? I've been thinking they probably do have the best pull-out game because of all that copper wiring. Yeah? Yeah. But when a meth head has found the one, and she's got one of those copper IUDs, they cannot help themselves. And someone wants to be a father. No, I did know a girl once. She had so many abortions. She didn't even have a landing strip. There's jus…

What's up? My name is Timmy No Break's and welcome to Timmy Ass. You got a... Jesus fucking Christ. This guy won't let people say the M-word or play the fucking guitar. This is insane. Okay. On my neck is a shock collar. and in my hand is the remote. If you press this orange button, it will shock me. Now, if I bomb, one of you guys will get to shock me. I won't bomb because I don't bomb. But this, this is the bomb shock collar. This is fucking terrible. Now, because this is a dog collar, I will give it to this lesbian bitch. Jesus Christ No, you can't Start the timer Red Band Did you guys see During the Olympics. How that girl Li…