Kill Tony #781

I like to get my haircut, the wonder cuts. And if you don't know what a wonder cuts is, it's like a super cuts, but all the women do heroin. And that's a lot of fun. They're falling asleep with scissors next few years. Just admitting the crimes that you've never even heard of. Just, I stabbed my boyfriend 18 times. And then I snail trailed his car. You're like snail trailed his car. That's when he shit on the windshield, you wait your pussy down. And you're like, oh, lady, I don't think you're getting your kids back. Not with this haircut. They call it the wonder cuts because you wonder what the fuck is going on in there. You won…

My name's Mike St. Hilaire. I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are having really successful kids. My one buddy's got two sons playing NCAA football. My other buddy's got two daughters on the USA volleyball team. And my kids? They're just trying to figure out who their father is. Might be tough to do, too. I travel a lot, usually under various passports, different aliases. I'm not exactly trying to get tracked down, you know? Matter of fact, that's my favorite thing about the 23 and me test. It's still very expensive in the third world, and that's pretty much where I spent my 20s. I do like the third world. It's my favorite…

Waka, Waka, Waka, Nanu, Nanu. How's everybody doing tonight? So, she's alive. She survived. For 10 years, most people want their mother-in-law to die. But not me. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer for 10 years. I'm so excited. Yeah, absolutely. So she traded in stage four pancreatic cancer for type three diabetes and was the second person to have robot laser surgery have her pancreas cut out, and I'm the first person to make a joke about it. My mother-in-law cannot go into remission because she doesn't have an organ anymore, but she can get repossessed. That's right. They put a contract. out where she has to…

Thank you very much. This year in 2026, I found this incredibly effective cure for depression. It's called money. I highly recommend it. It's changed my life. If you get the chance and you can get you hold of some, it's a complete game changer. I'm not kidding you. Now, I once had a neighbor who was a prison guard back when I went to college in Huntsville, and they have a joke amongst the guards that I really enjoy. And I'd like to share with you that if you are an inmate in Texas, and hopefully it doesn't come to that, there's three types of inmates, three groups. You got the ones that need to be in the funny farm and not in pri…

Hey, guys. I recently discovered the most effective form of birth control. Isn't me? Okay, I got a true story for you guys. This is crazy. In the fourth grade, I had this insane belief that my hair only looked good when it was completely soaking wet with water. So in between classes, I would sprint to the bathroom sink, and I would start cupping the water and putting it all over my head as quickly as possible. Everybody thought that I was a weirdo, and I had no friends at the time, but I will say this. The Mexican boys loved me. I always wondered why, but if I had to guess, it might have been because I had that wet back. Finish o…

Hell yeah, give it up for that horse lady. That was real good. And listen, that older fella, he ain't never done meth. That's not how you do math. I went for a walk. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. Listen here, hey, I'm back in Austin, back in Texas. I was in Canada, and boy, that's a third world country now, ain't it? I don't know what's going to get me first, like, Bear or the World. winter or Islam because God damn they're everywhere. What the fuck, dude? I went to Calgary. It's like rodeo season and they got like Indians dressed up as cowboys. Like, not cowboys and Indians. That's not what I said, okay? Like, you ever…

My first time doing stand up. I thought it was pretty cool when Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. But I thought it would be cooler if you wanted a gay sex-filled bender instead and then gave the Emancipation Proclamation. And it went a little something like, four whores and seven queers ago, I came forth on this gray nation. And last night, I came forth in three men. Speaking of slavery, June Teeth wasn't that far back at this point. But what I can say is I hadn't been with a black girl before. and I didn't really want to, but I still have standards, obviously. So I thought at the very least, I could get with a section, 8 out of…

everybody do y'all remember when science was sexy Like, do y'all remember Like, the sexiest thing you could be with, like, an astronaut or... Y'all remember when, like... With, like... Y'all remember when, like, Bill Nye was getting the most pussy in America? Like, even your girl, like, so you with your girl, and Bill Nye show up, you like, get that nigger some pussy. He taught me about beakers. And... In geometry, that nigger really helped me out. Science used to be sexy, and then we all got our feelings hurt. because we spent all this money to go to the moon only to find out the moon wasn't made out of cheese. Right? Because th…

Here we go. Tony Austin, Texas. Look at all these beautiful. white people in here. It is safe for me to assume that some of you are vegetarians. It's all right. You know, vegetarians have got their own language, you know what I mean? Tofirk you this, impossible meat that, faking. I don't understand. If vegetables stay so good, then why you keep trying to make things things... If vegetables taste so good and why you keep trying to make things plant-based, you know what I mean? But listen, I get it. I digress, all right? If we call that vegetarians, why don't we call Jeffrey Dahmer a humanitarian? It's just food for thought. It's j…

Thank you all so much. I've tried to kill myself three times. That guy's like, do it one more time. Well, yeah, I've tried to kill myself three times. One time I was standing on the edge of a bridge, and I just, I hated myself. I hated my life. I didn't want to live anymore. But the real reason I was on that bridge was to prove that white man can jump. I say three times, but it's weird that it didn't take because my mom told me third times the charm. I'll get that bitch back with Lucky Number 7. I started doing do Jitsu recently, and something I've noticed is that, Black guys really like grappling with white people. There's just…

All my friends are getting married, having kids. I feel behind. I've always been behind. I remember when I was 14 and I hadn't gotten my period yet. I would just pretend, walk out of the bathroom at school, like, do not go in there, I just did a big period. Last one of my friends to get my period. Last one of my friends to kiss a boy. He was 16, and guess who can't coach soccer anymore. You know, when I was in school, the boys were mean. except one who told me to call them when my tits come in. And I think I'm going to do it.

Y'all, I started dating again, and I've discovered a few things. I love big dick energy. I'm a little dick man. I mean, I want all that same swagger and confidence without the blunt forced trauma to my swimsuit area. And pickings are slim at my age. The best ones are already taken. Rest of them, dead. Half the time in their swimsuit area. I know you guys call that whiskey dick. Tastes nothing like whiskey. Oh, and I have dated a couple of old guys on the boner pills. Oh, yeah. Those guys, they're really easy to find over on like silver singles in our time. Those are the apps the old folks used to screw. And I can always tell who'…

Found a lot of rabbit holes? I'm a furry. Uh, a little about me? Seriously, ever since the Epstein emails came out, I can't even look at a pizza anymore. Without getting hard. Uh, no, no, no. That sort of stuff, it's an issue all over the world. I've recently read a story about a man in the Middle East who married a child. Yeah. It's called the Quran. They put it right in the book. I would have left it out, you know? And speaking of religious texts, I just learned Mind Comph is still available on Amazon. Even worse, they're selling it under cookbooks. Thank you