Kill Tony #746

What's up? Okay, cool. I was in, I was in Vegas. I, when people played poker, everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car and go, don't look, nobody. Look that time out. Okay. Come on. Get me. And I, and then, and they, I brought my own gun to the roulette table And I was, I really, really needed to be 21. Okay. I, yeah, when, when I used to work in their little school, I would get a, a lot of advice from their little school girls. And one of them told me, she said, if you like someone, you should find out where they live and let them know. And I said, Martha, I'm not doing that again. I can't go back.

In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. They said, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Can't get any closer to inside of them. That didn't pay off in Iraq so much. Let's see what else we wanna talk about tonight. I'm nervous as hell y'all. I did bad on this last time a few years ago. I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but let's just put it this way. My ex, she was a cross breed of dogs. She'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull. Nobody. Nobody a wiener pit. Nobody. Nobody got that. Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them when my oldest was four a long time ago. He is in c…

I want to be the strong silent type like John Wayne, but I'm really more of a fat gay clown like John Wayne Gacy. I'm polyamorous just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else. The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and Allah. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl. My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't unless it's mine. 'cause I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet. So, you know, same as every guy. Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? He's the original CrossFitter.

Oh shit. What'd it do? Comedy mothership. My name is Big Stew Stew. I, I've been using this Duolingo app, right. Trying to communicate better with my coworkers. And I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're gonna sound like a fucking dork. And they're not gonna tell you either. It's gonna be like all and they're just gonna be like BN. But in parentheses they're gonna be like, this guy's a piece of shit. But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, wou…

I used to be addicted to drugs but then I got off of them because I found a woman And I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal. She was classy growing up though my parents probably should have known I was gonna have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. 'cause my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd who would take it forever. Just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd. And there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat the same way. Okay. What? I would do it. I was, I would open up the package. Just take the whole thing out immediately…

Lord and Savior Joe Rogan. You got in trouble for saying I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with 'em saying, if you can exit the Earth's atmosphere, you can say if you can exit the troposphere stratosphere, Mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere. You can say, you are in a niggas fear. Nobody cares. I've been kissing, sleeping, homeless people on the forehead. It's my way of giving back guys. Next time, next time you see a sleeping, oh can I, can I go ahead. I wanna know how this sounds. Next time you see a sleeping, homeless person tuck 'em in.

God I love this shit. Honestly. Austin, Texas. I owe y'all apology. I was shitting on y'all wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. 'cause I'm from Atlanta, I don't have the time. You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people and then the, then, then I was on the, then as soon as I got killed Tony, I was like, oh shit nigga. Y'all got great sunsets, y'all. This is the most booming city in the world, right? It's it, it's ask me my favorite comedian. Who's Your favorite? Tony Hinchcliffe. That's Tony Hinch my mother fucking…

Hey, Austin did a 23 and me the other day and found out I'm I'm Chinese. Yeah. I'm from China. Yeah. Oh, Hold it up to your mouth. My bad. I didn't realize. No, no. I just lost my train of thought. I was, I was outside last Monday I signed up And I was looking at the homeless, the homeless guy in the street. He had a vacuum cleaner and he was running back and forth on the line And I was just like, wow. Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It is super awesome. What do you guys call black guy that flies a plane? Call him a pilot. You fucking racist. That's all I was prepared for.

I'm, I'm a first generation American. You guys, both of my parents are from Ireland, but my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like 40 people on. It didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer. That, that just makes me inbred as fuck you guys, who are they having sex with? No. I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. So guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors, I just have ancestors. Since I've come to this real…

Yoyo. How's it going? Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So unbelievable. This is happening. So lately I've been having some crazy urges And I mean I, I guess everybody has, has urges and mine have been at night, you know, and it's honestly been like, whether I'm gonna jerk off or not. And whenever I jerk off, man, I have terrible fucking dreams. I think about, you know, like, well I dream about, you know, like getting stabbed and bleeding out his Rex apartment. He's like stabbing me is absolutely horrible. And then if I don't, if I don't jerk off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude. I'm like smashin…

Disney adults. Am I right? Ew. My kids dressed me. I have an excuse. Okay guys. Jill just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks guys. We've been trying this new thing. My wife's love language is quality time where you like trap in a room, trying to escape an argument in the car. That's right. Yeah. Just one argument away from winning. Woo.

So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva Many hands. So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. Something too crazy. Just does something where the dude might perhaps have is cock out. But it's mainly from my mom's reaction though. 'cause you know, she'll be looking for my dad like, honey is that, is that real? My dad's like, don't worry baby. He just fluff that shit up. It's what they do. My dad is a small penis apparently, which means I got mine from my mom. I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of men in black, but they just called it men in black Men. Alright, thank you.

Hey Redban. I'm still thinking about y'all. Fat ass kicking your leg up bitch. Just in case anybody was wondering, I still haven't heard back from medical school yet. So I'm coming out to Smokey and the Bandit remake. But the truckers are all wearing turbans and sideswiping minivans and gutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour. Hey Redban. I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose? What if instead of Planet Earth we watch Planet Jupiter? Dude, that would've been such a long show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.