KT : KOBK

Wassssup. I had a date. We went to a restaurant, and I let her pick the restaurant. That's where I fucked up. Because you know it's not gonna be Denny's. You know when you walk into a restaurant and you see that chandelier. You're like, "you dirty bitch". It was one of those restaurants you know were the menu doesn't even have prices. I thought I got a broken menu. I was like, "excuse me, it's missing the most valuable piece of information I need from a menu. I don't give a fuck where the salmon grey up". Bill comes, it's in a fucking treasure chest. 380... Two people still hungry, 380! You know how much money 380 dollars is for…

I'm Vietnamese and Jewish, which makes me a Vietshu - God bless you. I was adopted by Jewish parents and the way they found me was floating in a basket down by the river. No, wrong Jew, sorry wrong Jew. They actually used technology, they used something called Cash App. I'm getting a little bit older now and it's hard for me to go to sleep so I have to use something called white noise. And I'm not talking about the machine, I'm talking about I live next to a trailer park. And it works so well guys because every time I hear domestic violence, I just fall asleep.

Times are changing folks, who else remembers back when butt plugs where just called thumbs... We're living in a modern world and I believe trans women are women. Though they are suspiciously good at driving. Other than that, one in the same I says. Been feeling lonely lately, finally decided to get myself an emotional support animal - and by that I mean a fat girlfriend. The other night me and her where having sex, cowgirl... not the position that's just what I call her. Tells me she doesn't swallow, I'm like "fucking what, just this? Come on.". It's not alright for me to stand up here and just have a go at far women so let me sa…

It's Santa's birthday and everybody is invited but the Grinch [in song]. Alright very cool, scared yet? Cool. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight, I'm sick as a dog. Cuz I've been eating cat poop. It's funny that you bring that, you know what I always say about taking Xanax - who stole my fucking cellphone ? I trusted you. That's a good point especially around the holidays. They've started calling me l'efant terrible, but it has been a tough summer especially around the winter. It's getting warmer, lot of people looking forward to the dog days this summer - not me. I'm looking forward to the cat days of fall. That's when I get t…

My brother just came as non-binary. Says he's not my borther or my sister. Well tell you what pal, you're definitely not hot enough to be my cousin. Also very funny to come out as non-binary and come out as unemployed. Like who the fuck was gonna call you sir or mam anyways. You're in the "hey you" tax bracket. Probably where you're gonna stay. My dad, he's losing it too, like he called me the other day. He goes, "I don't know Matty, I'm starting ot forget things. I think I have early-onset dementia. Motherfucker you're 78... this is on-time dementia. Right on schedule. The US army just announced that they're changing the red dot…

I've realized some people shouldn't be parents. And when I say that I mean my father, he shouldn't have kids. I knew he shouldn't have had kids when he gave me the sex ed talk. I was 12-years old, I was in the 7th grade. And this girl hit me up and she was like, "hey Kam, I want you to come over here and fuck me.", right? And she was also 12 by the way, it weren't no grown bitch like, "come here and let me suck your dick little boy". It was another 12-year old, but she lived too far away for me to ride my bike over there and I couldn't walk to that motherfucker. So I decided to call the only person I knew who had a car, which was…

Hello, lovely to be here. I'm British so I'll be your diversity act for tonight. You can't believe John Oliver with brain damage is able to learn another language. But here's the thing, people always come up and ask me, what's the difference between England and America. And there's only one. In Britain we stab people, in American you shoot people. And the reason we stab people is, we're not afraid of doing a bit of physical exercise. Because when you stab someone you need to enage your legs and your core, you need to be like 1..2..3..4 [mimes stabbing someone]. I know when I get stabbed in London, my murderer is running away a he…

How we doing everybody? Good? I haven't had a girlfriend in a while. I haven't had a partner in a while. I used to see someone who was part of the LGBTQ+ community. Their pronouns where she/they. And they taught me all kinda stuff. One day they turned to me while we were having sex, and they were like, "hey Brian, you since we have sex, that technically makes you gay.". And I thought that was pretty neat, because gay pussy was my nickname in high school. I guess you are what you eat. They like to dirty talk a bunch which I'm not that good at that - which you can probably tell at this point. I don't have the voice for dirty talk.…

What's going on guys? I was on the dark web earlier, turns out my computer was just off. Not everybody is into dark humour, it's okay. Little bit about me, I'm a bit off a pothead or a pot feet if you will. I like to smoke every once in an hour. I think I get it from my dad, my dad was the biggest stoner of all time, but he actually gave up smoking. To be fair he gave up breathing. Ohh! He went from super dad to super dead. People love dad jokes, but they always get super weird about dead dad jokes. Like there's fine line. And my dad crossed it. he was 5'9" - he always wanted to be 6 foot. Ohh, be careful what you wish for. Rock…

Howdy. My boyfriend left the house the other day to get a bag of dog food, and came back really upset because he had found a dead body. And I was like, "baby it sounds like you just found 180 pounds of free dog food. What are you doing, go get that. This is a reduce, reuse, recycle house, okay?". I said boyfriend and a lot of you looked confused, I also thought I was a lesbian. It turned out I was just really fat. Being a lesbian is cool if you're fat cuz you get to eat and eat and never get stuffed. Plus you get to lick the plate, you know? There's a classic disco track called born to be alive, which is a stupid title cuz we all…

Anybody ever been crucified? No? People get crucified and they make their whole personality. Like we get it. The Volkswagen Beetle was invented by the Nazis, so that proves they had a fun side. It's a silly car, I mean you punch people when you see it. I still substitute now and then. The other day I was in school for a tornado drill, and we had to go into tornado drill position. If you forget tornado drill position is, here's a jingle to help remind you. "Face down asshole. That's the way we survive a tornado" [in song].

You know one of the best ways to avoid going to the dentist is to grab your car keys and throw those motherfuckers away. I AIN'T EVER GOING TO THE DENTIST! The optometrist - fuck that. I could be hallucinating right now and I wouldn't even know it. The last time I went to he optometrist he said I was third eye blind. I just found out Len Bias died because his coke was too pure, meanwhile my bags of coke were rockier than Redban's first marriage. He actually had a pretty good first marriage before she died mysteriously... And by the way earlier Redban was asking me what channel Netflix was on. It's on the computer dumbass. It's a…