Kill Tony #772

Guys, I feel so happy and free. I recently, through deep meditation, I ate an edible when I was sitting alone in an airport. I realized something that set me free, and I want to bring this to Dallas, and hopefully y'all can understand why I'm coming from. I recently decided that I'm done pretending like I've ever forgiven anybody for anything. I'm done with that, right? I'm sick. I lie. I never forgave you. I still hate you as much as I did before. It's still on site. But now I get that energy back, and I want to bring up one of my recent new beats. My nephew, I took my nephew to go play Lasertag for his birthday. I bought him an…

I went to Vegas to see my grandpa, who I hadn't seen in 10 years, and to describe him, he's been married six times, and five of them were named Barbara, so we called his sixth wife, Barbara II. I'm rolling a blunt and my grandpa actually asked to hit it and I was like Grandpa I thought you only hit Barbarus so he takes a hit and he's quiet for like 25 minutes and then he turns and tells me three things he says Jeff I mean hefe I love pussy I love to taste it smell it wear it black white terrorist Asian I love it all. Second thing he told me was, and I don't know why he brought this up, I didn't hate Obama because he was black. I…

So I'm broke. I live with a roommate. And thanks. I came home. the other day and it sounded like my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. I was like, nice, I can jerk off to this, you know? Yeah. Turns out they weren't having sex and she was just crying. I was like, all right, I can jerk off to this. Yeah, I'm a sick fuck, guys. Sick fuck. It's sweet to be here, though. I post on Facebook today I was coming up to do some stand-up. And my childhood babysitter, they comment, and they're like, well, and you do stand-up, that's so cool. when I was a kid, I don't want to do stand-up. I was like, no shit. When I was a kid, I want to…

Guys, when I was younger, my mom sent me to Fat Camp. Really sucks because, like, I've always been like this size. Like, I've always looked like this. So I'm not like fat camp fat, you know? I'm like, you know, these kids at fat camp, they're like, fucking, pfunk. Like fucking fat. They're like about to lose a foot fat. And me, I'm like, I'm like fuck black guy's fat. I'm like a cool fat. I'm like a healthy fat. I'm a good fat. I'm like an avocado. So, you know, sending me to fat camp, it was kind of fucked up that she did that. It's like, it's like what the hell was that about? But then at the same time, sending a girl like, me…

Hell yeah. I'm bad with money. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. It's fucking on my Instagram. Like I'll be scrolling. It's like some girl dancing. Nice tits. Are you assuming 11, 10,000 dollars of credit card debt? How do they know? They've been talking to the people at Chase. I'm fucked. But this debt's not following me to Mexico. So I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be all right. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. I went to the therapist office the other day. Couldn't pay. This bitch man in black meat. Pee-oo! She said, your parents don't love you, and she kicked me out of her office. But that is the way…

Hey how the fuck y'all are doing it now? Y'all, you have any good night so far? So I grew up with the very religious family. Like any time that I would see a shooting star, my family would always tell me that it's someone being cast out of heaven. heaven. Yeah, you could have just lied. You know, I don't know what a child is supposed to do with that information. Like, you know, anytime the normal person would see a shooting star that would just be like, that was beautiful, make a wish. Anytime that I would see a shooting star, I would just be like, damn, another priest. Yeah, I didn't grow up like, I'm very bad at being a Mexican…

My God, how are you guys? It's so good to be here. Oh, yeah. My name, as he said, is Colt. It's actually Colton. Yeah. In my mid-20s, I shorten it up, you know, a little bit easier to say. I think when I'm an old man, I'm just going to go by, thank you. You know, I like movies. You know, I saw that movie, Holes was shot. Shaila Buff and I, uh, thank you. I saw their remaking it. It's gonna have an all female cast. What's up with that? It's crazy. It's true. What are they gonna call it? Even better holes? I mean, ah, man, I love the news. The blacks and the gays, they don't get along. It's not my opinion, it's just what they say,…

I do have historically terrible taste in men. Like, my dating history looks a lot like the foreplay probably should have came with a background check. Don't laugh. I am painfully attracted to men that look like they need a caseworker. Or have one already. So needless to say, I am a single mom. Yeah, take note, gentlemen. My son just turned 14 recently, and he's hit the whole puberty stage. He started to talk to me like, I ruined his credit score. Like, I used to rock this giant man child back and forth to go to sleep, and now I just rock back and forth after reading his Google search history. He started talking to girls too recen…

What's going on, guys? My name's Scott. I am a terrible person to work with. Like if you want to get shit done, stay away from me But if you want to have fun, I got you Like, have you ever gotten in trouble at work for some shit? But it's not the worst you've done So when you get called out for it, you almost feel offended and rat on yourself My boss is like, Scott, you've been coming in late I'm like, bitch, I've been stealing money I'm just drugger at work for FedEx Yes, I do still y'all shit, my family thanks you It was weird, I go to the supermarket and people give me way too much respect. One guy thanked me for my service. A…

I went on a walk with my little cousin the other day, and he confessed to me that he thought that gay people were a waste of sperm. And that really shocked me. I didn't believe him at first. I thought he meant that gay people waste a lot of sperm, because they do. gay people waste so much sperm it's kind of all that they do with it and I'm not wasteful I recycle recycling is recycling feels like you're deciding your trash gets to go to heaven instead of hell and sometimes that's too much pressure so I'll just litter fuck it purgatory Um, I, um, you know, gay people I think are real, but I'm skeptical of lesbians. Just because the…

Hello Dallas and hello America. Hi. I'm Tomek Koeckoetsky. I'm from Poland. I just arrived to this country one week ago. So I have very strong accent and because of this accent, it's hard to get pussy in America, you know? Because we don't have sexy accent. Italian people, sexy accent, French people, Ula-l-Lua, I want to see you pussy. Polish people, we sound like Borat. It's hard to be sexy borat, you know? With this accent, my best pickup line is very nice, how much? And it works, only on prostitute, but works? Works, yeah. I need to work on my accent, though. I need to, because I want to trick Latinas into believing that I can…

The first time that I ever got in the crowd like this is going to be like this. This is fucking crazy. But I'm about to pull out William Montgomery because I can't remember shit right now. But the, you know, back a long time ago, there was the Pope. It was Pope Gregory, and he hated cats. He hated him so bad he wanted him all killed. And that's the first time I ever heard about the Pope killing some pussy. Oh. Yeah. You know, if you commit incest more than once, is it recess? I was kind of asking for my cousin, but, you know, fuck it. When I was a kid, I used to think that you got gonorrhea. It's how you got rid of diarrhea. Fuck…

Cool, thank you, right. So, okay, cool, cool, right. See me after the show. Okay, I could never be a surgeon for other reasons. I'm very squeamish, so I'd be like, like, ew, gricky, just lose the leg, okay, lose the leg. I can't. I don't know if I, I trust doctors, you know. You know, the doctor, and they're like, you have leukemia. It's like, I didn't have that before I came here, you know, I was dealing good, you know. At the, at a hotel at that, I was walking to my room, I could hear people. having stats. And at first I was like, yeah, you know. But then I heard the guy, he was like, ugh. I was like, this is gross. This is way…

So I'm a beekeeper? Keep bees? Interesting thing about bees, though, is I didn't know that not all of them make honey, right? So I beekeep the Western European honeybee, right? Makes honey. But then there's like the Africanized killer bee. They make crack cocaine. Cool thing about bees, though, is that they're like, they're hive-minded, right? They're like the ultimate form of communism. Yeah, they're a lot like the Chinese. Like, it's all for one. The individual doesn't matter, and they all look exactly the same. And that's racist.

I lost my virginity to a female magician. And that really complicated sex for me after that. Because it's like, what do you mean your clits not behind my ear? I had some New Year's resolutions. Like I wanted to storm the capital again. I also wanted to lose like a little bit of weight. Like nothing crazy. I just wanted to lose enough weight that if I heard someone yell, hey, you fat fuck in public, I had the confidence to not turn around. Because like fat's more than physical. Fats like a mindset as well. Because like I can't see Chinese lettering without getting hungry. A girl to have a tattoo. You want to finish it? Girl have a…

And also Dallas, I'm so curious, what are the chances that motherfucker was actually a lifeguard? Holy shit! They'd be like me coming out here saying I'm Ryan Fleurneoy of the Dallas Cowboys. Tiger Woods got drunk and flipped his car over again. That guy spends more time on his back than Red Band's mom. And by the way, does anybody know, does the Easter Bunny support Israel? Make me call my lawyer. That's an impression to me after my teacher asked and my dad signed the field trip permission slip. Knock, knock. This doesn't have a last name. Man, I miss the old B-E-T. Horses in Iran say that the new Ayatola is both stupid and gay.…

Relax gay guy. Jesus Christ. So, I watched Kill Tone for the first time. And one word, uh, hyphen gay, very gay. So, I hired an editor to edit my part of the episode to make it more exciting, okay?