Kill Tony #693

Any ladies here on OnlyFans? If you're not on OnlyFans, you are stupid. It's free money, upload that pussy. Sometimes I see a homeless lady on 6th street, I'm like, "lady, you don't have to be here. You're sitting on oil lady. PShhht - UPLOAD THAT PUSSY. I have friend, who's dating one of those OnlyFans girls and when they started dating, he made her quit OnlyFans. And he's one of those crypto bros talking about the future. Now they're in a one bedroom apartment with two cats - what an idiot! If I ever get a wife... a wife, kids, I don't give a fuck. Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still baby girl, we need a…

So I had some pipes break in my house this last few weeks. I went down to the hardware store to grab some parts. And when I walk in, the first employee I find is a trans. I don't wanna be a fucking bigot, I'll treat them like anyone else. They/them asked me if the parts I need, are male or female. Me being a smart-ass I was like, "well, what are them other options". They/them said, "buddy, don't get me started. You think your plumbing is fucked up? My dicks in a jar".

I was on the way here, I was talking to one of my best friends. Boys you know what I'm saying, when you have a guy best friend, just the biggest piece of shit you know. Like you'd never let him date your daughter, but you'd fucking die for him right? I was on my way here he was like what are doing bro, I was like I'm on my way to go and see a show. He's like, "oh nice man, what band are you going to see?". I'm like, "nah it's a comedy show". He's like, "oh fuck you're still doing that bullshit?". I'm like, "do you need something?". He's like, "yeah quick question, what's the gayest thing you've done recently?". I was like, "I don…

My friend told me a statistic the other day, that every minute a woman dies from breast cancer, which is crazy when you think about it because the lines for the women's bathroom are still so long. You're like, "hurry up survivors, some of us have to pay". Now, look I have no idea what's going on in the Middle East, which is why I feel I'm the best person to talk about it. I want Palestine to be happy I do, I just don't know how to do that, I think they want all of Palestine, or like from the window to the wall. I don't know the rest of that joke. Has anyone like even tried to give Palestine casinos. Like look how well it worked f…

Hey I'm autistic and I have ADHD. I wish I had you guys in school, you could've popped up anytime I said something inappropriate, like yay autism. We would have confused the shit out the bullies. But I was just odd and I did unpredictable things. Like you ever been watching a movie and they randomly break out into song and dance, and you're like this is a weird remake of Training Day. Yeah that's what it's like hanging out with me, any random bit of lyric I hear, will set me off. And the tism doesn't keep track of whose been cancelled. So you could go up to me and like,

I'm getting older and I'm realizing stuff about myself. I realized recently that I'm toxic, I realized that. Cuz I got a new girlfriend and my ex called me outta nowhere, and she was like, "I see you got a new girlfriend n*gga, and I don't care. I just want you to know, that if you marry that bitch. Imma come to yo wedding with a bomb strapped to my chest". And my dick got hard. I was like, "what did you say?". I rubbed my nipple and shit, "you said what?". My homebody was like, "why would yo dick get hard that's crazy". I was like, "you don't understand bra, my momma gonna be at my wedding, my dad gonna be at my wedding, my gran…

Alright guys, my name is actually Ben Khoshaba, or Kosheeba if you say it in the original Aramaic dialect. In English, Khoshaba just means Sunday. In Spanish, it's pronounced dejo. My boys on the boxing team taught me that, they're always like, "ey Ben dejo hurry up". They're nice guys. One of them's like, "ey, so you're not Mexican like what are you, where are you from?". I'm like, "I'm Assyrian". He's look, "ohh, so from Syria?". I'm like, "no no no, Syrians are from Syria, I'm Assyrian. He's like, "ohh ya, I'm A-Mexican. But check it out, once I get married and the paper work goes through, I'll be A-merican". I know I'm doing…

Alright guys, so I ended up in Iraq back in 2009, fighting for the Taliban. Obviously I didn't get the 72 virgins, a photo leaked out of me eating some bacon. But I did the next best thing. I walked into a carpet shop and I asked a dude "yo, you got a magic carpet?". He's like "no Aladdin took the last one. But I got this fuck-rug, cuz I like you my friend, 85 bucks. You know what, think about it. You got a dinner and date, you spend over 100 bucks, and you still don't get laid. Fuck-rug, guaranteed sex." I'm like "man, you got anything cheaper?". "Yes, our most popular model, the goat-fuck-rug. 20 bucks. No goat can resist". And…

Oh my god it's bright. Lot of light. Shoutout Thomas Edison. He would have loved fleshlights. No it's cool. Not good with guys. I don't know, a guy isn't gonna tell you but I'm not good at handjobs, just because all my protein shakes are clumpy. And like I wanna get better so I'll just watch porn, but like, for educational purposes obviously. And all I've learned is that I like incest porn, because like, at least you know they love each other, right? I don't know, I guess I'm just a romantic. And, it sucks being a romantic because I won't see red flags in guys, like I won't see a guy with dyslexia, I'll just see a guy who knows a…

Ay dat Diddy shit was crazy. That motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil. That gotta be the craziest way to get raped, you know what I'm saying. This motherfucker massage you into the rape and you wake up the next day. I hate I was never able to go to a Diddy party. Because I know them orderves were off the chain. Like Diddy would have got me with the food. I would have been in that bitch eating exotic cheese. Like y'all said this was ostrich?. I would have ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of robes on, dancing. Like a 1000 bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, it is. Like Diddy had so much oil at…

My minute started? Oh shit. Look I'm 34 and recently separated and for some reason my right titty, she went cockeye. That bitch looking like Biggie Smalls. She doing a rape face for no reason, I have to real her back in. And I want to come back to the game with real big dick energy you know. So I talk to my cousin and she said, "bitch, you need to get waxed. It lasts forever, and it leaves your skin looking like a dolphin". So I did, I made the appointment. And there I was, spread like a dolphin. The ladies put in the wax, she put in the strip, and with no regard to my life, or to Jeshush, she goes, "Ching Chong Chung Sah". My I…

I just moved to Austin. I was going to redownload the dating apps here. First thing that came up when i searched dating apps, Chispa, a dating app for Latinos. That shit's crazy, I mean look it up if you don't believe. Imagine, Cracker, a dating app for white people. You'd get fucking shot. I guess this is no longer Biden's America, this is Trump's America, whatever you wanna consider it. But I was thinking about it, and shit, what if I created an app for fucking gingers? So I did, and uhhh, we've got 5 users now, we're few and far between. My only match is 2 people. One of them's in Scotland, and one of them lives back where I'm…

It's kinda really weird because I matched with this fucking asshole on a redheaded dating website [previous comic]. Jimmy Kimmel cried on a show the day after the election, and I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory, or the fact that he had 112 viewers. But seriously it was kinda ironic when the tears made his blackface run. Okay let's keep moving. So I'm actually working on a movie. It's basically the plot of Little Giants, but instead of little league football it's a man who competes in women's swimming. I mean, this is a true underdog story. Against all odds, he sets multiple world records. It's called Big Booty Bit…