Pat O'Neil

Started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this. The Cinnamon Challenge. Fun times. Last time I did that, I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope. All right, most of you are either Amish or liars. Fine, though. And watching too much of that stuff growing up, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know? Like, thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old double Ike, LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews. As legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, picking up the tab for 12 other dudes, and we're like, he must be God. We have to kill him. Okay, thank you.

My son just came out as trans. Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore. Now that he's dead to me, uh, they got him on puberty blockers, or his pedophiles call him preservatives fucking medical medicine. The other day of my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus and goes, there's people. There's a thing to do this. I'm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you. What do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker. And, you know, these shootings are often done by the same race. I'm looking at you, honkies. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay. Thank you. Every fucking line was a punch line, bro. That's how stand-up should be.

I'm on Tinder now. Grindr was too easy. I needed a challenge. I don't settle for that easy shit. Found my ex on that other app. Google Maps. Got you bitch fucking try and run from me. Dummy. I cheated on her like she was a math test with a Chinese boy, but, you know, that's college for you. Went on a date with an older gal recently, told me she was going through menopause. I was like, oh, well, your mouth still gets wet, right? Fucking, we can make this work. Let's not get all hasty. A lot of the women I've dated have been single moms after I'm through with them. Will cause and effect? Other night in bed, this black girl told me to eat her ass. I was like, I thought I already was. What's this thing then? So much going on down here. This is all so new to me.

I was watching Batman. I'm not thinking, you know? Because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego, is Batman. inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Uh, man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese, uh, on Asian jokes are short-sighted, and... What do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blow jobs. Uh... Speaking of... speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought in knife to a fucking space laser fight? Huh? Holy shit. Out of control. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way five times a day.

Folks, been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing. No reaction. Generation soft is a big reason why. Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American. I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods. Dad's named Bear Forest. Gonna watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore, my little brother. To be on the right side of history. and you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either no they prefer the term Mexican women oh yes midgets the original pocket pussies or as pedophiles call them close enough you know what I mean.

Times are changing folks, who else remembers back when butt plugs where just called thumbs... We're living in a modern world and I believe trans women are women. Though they are suspiciously good at driving. Other than that, one in the same I says. Been feeling lonely lately, finally decided to get myself an emotional support animal - and by that I mean a fat girlfriend. The other night me and her where having sex, cowgirl... not the position that's just what I call her. Tells me she doesn't swallow, I'm like "fucking what, just this? Come on.". It's not alright for me to stand up here and just have a go at far women so let me say, fat men in this country have gotten so lazy they can't even win the hotdog eating contests anymore. Always some skinny Asian guy instead. Shows up thinking it's a regular dog eating contest.