Pat O'Neil

So girls named America are always fucking Mexican. Think that's enough to fool us? Nice try. We've got problems in this country, folks. How do we stop homelessness? We tried fentanyl now. What? There's only so many cigarettes I can lease. You aren't even supposed to call them homeless anymore, right? They prefer the term toilet protesters or something. It's hard to keep track of. People want to change the name of everything now. A few years ago, we got rid of the Redskins again. second time's a charm something I think we need to change the name of is the NAACP the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Whoa! What year is it? Should be the National Association for the Advancement of African American people. The NAA, AA, AAP. Or more easily said, the NAPE.

Folks! I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead, bitch, okay? I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion, so I just bought some red confetti. for the gender reveal and I figure that to send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy or as trans people call it, microdosing. Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually going to be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. Just needed more time. Thank you.

Folks, this first one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas! You ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, Fatty. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Only way you know how. Hey, what can I say, folks? If loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white. Other night at the bar, I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light-skinned Latina. But I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard. All right, that's all for anything.

My ex-girlfriend, she would love it when I spit in her mouth. And my new girlfriend hates when I mentioned that. First time we hooked up I didn't have a condom, so I tells her, hey, you better not have herpes. Because then I, will have double herpes. Last weekend, she got so drunk, she threw up on my cock. Yeah. So next time, I'm just going to let her sleep. I was telling that story last night. This woman in the crowd called me toxic. I was like, that's pretty rich coming from somebody that bleeds out of their goddamn crotch. Okay. That's enough for me

Started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this. The Cinnamon Challenge. Fun times. Last time I did that, I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope. All right, most of you are either Amish or liars. Fine, though. And watching too much of that stuff growing up, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know? Like, thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old double Ike, LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews. As legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, picking up the tab for 12 other dudes, and we're like, he must be God. We have to kill him. Okay, thank you.

My son just came out as trans. Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore. Now that he's dead to me, uh, they got him on puberty blockers, or his pedophiles call him preservatives fucking medical medicine. The other day of my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus and goes, there's people. There's a thing to do this. I'm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you. What do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker. And, you know, these shootings are often done by the same race. I'm looking at you, honkies. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay. Thank you. Every fucking line was a punch line, bro. That's how stand-up should be.