Dedrick Flynn

I'm living by myself. And this shit is bullshit. I was not ready for this. I don't have the right shit to live by myself. I had to go fucking buy a couch, nigga. And why didn't y'all tell me couch costs car money? Did she was, I walked into the store, and I was like, yo, I need some couches. He said, how many? I said, I need enough for six asses to sit down, right? He said, you want a bone-in couch, or you on a boneless couch? And I was like, nigger, like hot wings? Let me get the bone in. I'm gonna land a nigga. We, like, mowing in wings, and then he went, and he said, well, these two right here is gonna be $10,000. And I was like, nigga, that's a, that's a 2015 Honda CRV with 85,000 miles on there. Nick, don't argue with me, argue with Kelly Boo Book. I said, well, how much for the goddamn bonus couches then? And then he said, it'll be about 800. I said, y'all got payment plans? He said, yes. And so I got the bonus couch. And then now I get why it costs less, because these niggas shipped it to me, and the shit came in vacuum sealed. Like the drugs I used to sell, nigga, that shit was crazy. But then on the outside of the plastic, it says, do not cut with a knife. Well, then, how am I going to get in there? Right, how am I going to get in there? And then I finally cut the plastic and my... It went like that. Like, out of there, I was like, these niggas couldn't breathe. Can I keep going? Okay, yeah. So now that I have spent fucking $800, Now I get while my grandmama couch was wrapped in plastic. Also, I'm gonna let y'all niggas know. If y'all come to my house and I ask you to have a seat, you better sit the fuck down, nigga. I gotta get my money's worth. I dare you not. I'll pull my gun out. Like, nigga, sit down. And then put that fucking $75 throw blanket on. Nigel, get comfy. Let me show you the rest of the shit I bought. You want to see my blender, nigger? You want to see, I got a blender $200 fucking, nigga. You drinking a smoothie. If you come, nigga, you drink in a smoothie. Nick, I got a guest bedroom. You stay in the night, nigga. You got to stay the night

I love Latino people. I grew up part of Mexican high school. My best friend was Mexican, so I was, like, raised. Like, that's why I learned Spanish from. Like, I don't really know, like, chore Spanish, because, or I know, like, certain actions. Like, when his mama say, Peche, you duck, right? You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you hear Peche Cabrón, that means duck and run in Spanish. And then I continued that love, you know, through my life, with my jobs, and I worked. Now I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called steel-toed non-slip Spanish. It's like you got to work at, like, construction sites, and they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like, are you Spanish, sir? You Mexican? Did you, correct me if I'm wrong, and Spanish means socket wrench. Right, that means socket wrench. They would be like, they'd be like, hey, Moreno, you ain't gonna get a, and then, you know, because that means you gotta drill it out. That's drill in Spanish and means like, hey, I need you to pay attention to me. This is good. Am I wrong about that, guys? Am I correct about that? Okay, because I know if you do it wrong, you don't want to disappoint them, because when you come show them your work and it's bad, they'd be like, It's no goof. It's no goof. That's my time. Thank y'all. I love y'all.

It's summertime. I love summertime because my white friends show back up. They go into hiding when it's wintertime. And I just, I miss flexing how good my white friends is, like on the internet. Like, all of my black friends and family, they hit me up after I post a story of me on another jet ski that I didn't just pay for. And they're like, hey, share your white friends with us. And I'm like, no, nils. Y'all don't know how to act. Y'all don't know how to act at all. Like, I got better white friends than white people. Like, what did you do last weekend? I was at WrestleMania. I was at WrestleMania because my white friends took me. It was a great time. So I finally decided to take my brother out to a sandbar party. Sandbar is this thing that happened in the ocean and, like, a piece of land come up, and then you take a boat over there, and then you get to claim the land. Right? So I'm really giving my brother his 40 acres in a mule. Right? I'm really just putting on for him. And after about 40 minutes of arguing with that, nigga, he finally took his Air Force ones off at the beach. Right. Because he looked me dead in my eyes and he was like, ain't nobody going to see my toes. Right? And I respect boundaries. And so this nigga, he got his socks in the sand. And when you had a sandbar, it's important that went like another group of white people come. You got to fight these niggins to the dead. You got to play like beer pong and flip cup. And then the loser got to, they got to go. And they was real happy to have two black friends there. Nigger, we held the island the whole day. Because like the week before, they was like, yo, Dedrick, when you coming out, we just lost six islands. You know what I'm saying? They brought their black friend. You were supposed to be here, you know, suit up. That's my time.

Everybody in this country just want to be upset or the sadness or the madness, and I just want to be silly. And across your arms, niggas, silly up. You still on talking about, why are you, you just, you ain't come here to have a good time? You laughing through YouTube. What happened to the silly laughs that used to? We used to have goofy-ass laughs at comedy. Nicks be like, ha, ha, ha. Y'all don't even do that no more. Do y'all remember silly Jews? Do y'all remember when Jews were the silliest people in America, Larry David, and Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman's fine ass? Y'all remember that? Just fucking Ari went into the wilderness for a year because he couldn't be silly anymore. And we just need to just let that out. I don't know why. Because I just wanted to say that so I could do this silly joke real fast that I wrote down just to get y'all to my mind. Day and your eggs is a lot like reheating french fries. Alright, I'm do the next one. I'm... Sir, you ever been here with the Rocketship effect? The Rocketship effect? You know what that is? That's when you see somebody who thinks attractive and they walk in towards you and you're like, oh, that's a 10, 9, 8, 7. All right, y'all, that's my time. I love y'all.

You know, women are going to tell you that other women, Women only want you if you have a girlfriend because women won't something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y'all that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men because we're using your health care products in and out the shower. Like single dudes look and smell like what happens after years and kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes, makes a certain mold, it makes a human body, and it's like, hey, ma'am, you should smile more. Because when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with like single dues, and my skin has been terrible. It has, because we only got the seven and one body wash, right? is shampoo, conditioner, body wash, Zen juice, four locals from 2009 with the caffeine and then a DUI and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom that's like somebody you want to keep, when you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they got, it looks like Gordon Ramsey's seasoning cabinet mixed with two southern black ladies. You can do whatever you. They got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of cans. Do you know they got a shampoo in condition? It's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair or a nigger that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is. Every girl ever been with thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know, I used to go to Taco Bell and you were suicide, the sodas? Like, you know what I'm saying? You would put every soda in there and see, that's me with every product you got. Nigga, I used to look glorious. You know what body wash jail is? What is it? You don't know, you just try to fit in. This nigger's a liar. This nigger's a liar. They got a jail that just got glittering. And, nigger, I used to look like a cheerleader from bring it on. I used to look like Gabriel Union. I used to put all kinds shit together and just make a smorgas board of a pretty... When they used to leave, I used to steal their bath bombs and put it in the bag. You know what the bath bomb is? What's the bath bomb? This nigga want to fit into. All right, this thing has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nicky, that is fucking fun as fuck. I don't have. ever want to be single again. Nick, I hate being dry. That's my time I love y'all.

When I first moved to Austin, I was working at his car wash called Surf Through Car Wash. And they hired me as a manager and then afterwards told me that tattoos are not except, like they can't be seen at the car wash. and that let me know these niggas aren't good with money because the more tattoos you have the more people trust you with their car you don't want a blank nigger telling you your rims are dirty you don't want a blank nigger looking at your transmission you want a felon with a throat tattoo being like your filter's dirty You're like, whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail. Tattoos lets you know a motherfucker went through something to work here. Like, doctors don't have tattoos. Surgeons don't have tattoos. You know who do? Nurses. Nurses are sexy as fuck. If the hospitals just only had nurses, everybody would be cured because them niggas can't wait to shove a needle in your neck and get you to fuck out of there. is if you can't punch the drywall, you shouldn't be hanging my drywall. Oh, that you're a blue collar worker. Like you, you don't do anything. You don't sweat for work. Not at all, but look at this motherfucker. He'd be drumming his fucking ass off. You sitting over here lay back like a bitch. I... That's my time. I'm sorry, y'all.