Kill Tony #699

Me and my boys like to watch special Olympic highlights, to feel better about ourselves. We were watching women's field hockey because - feminism, when he came in and he said, "would you hit that?". And I said, "I can't.". And it's because if you have sex with a special needs girl, sir, you will be looked at as a predator, as someone who's taking advantage of someone... and you need to do better. If I have sex with a special needs girl, oh, Drew finally found love. And I deserve to be canceled because I drive a car and I pay my bills. I shouldn't be on a date with someone who needs a chaperone. And my boy said, Drew, you're terri…

I was born in Soviet Union. Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. My family moved to United States from Russia in 1998. And out of all the cities in US, my homophobic father picked San Francisco. There are only three types of people that live in San Francisco. It's gays, Asians, and gay Asians. My family moved here in 98, but in 2010, I moved back to Russia to do stand-up comedy there. Moving from United States to Russia to do comedy is a lot like moving from Canada to Afghanistan to play hockey. It's a fucking terrible idea. But I gotta tell you, Russian comics are as tough as Russian soldiers. They prefer bombin…

I uh, I uh, I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. For me every weight's a shake weight. I want to go to California to experience an earthquake just so I can be steady, you know? Everyone's like, what's happening? I'm like, I don't know sudden clarity? This sucks dude. I can't go blind. I'd read bro with a stutter, you know? Just I would love to be deaf man. I'd be the first guy doing sign language in a Sarah font, you know? Just can you imagine getting bullied by ASL community for your accent? I don't want that. I don't want to. This sucks dude. I shake all the time. It's been really bad the last three years. I used to l…

I'm doing van life ladies and gentlemen and it's going pretty good but one downside is sometimes you get woken up by the police and that's unfortunate you know and it went kind of like this knock knock it's the police it's the police who what are you homeless it wakes me up well you had to knock didn't you that's my one defense and not being homeless ladies and gentlemen I'm a high-functioning homeless got a gym membership I mean what do you want from me people all right um okay.

Hell yeah. So I love downtown Austin you guys. It's amazing. I see the most wild shit. Like, the other week I saw a homeless boy band you guys. I'm serious. No, it was a group of homeless dudes all singing a song together like a boy band, like, really fucking well. So I walked up to them, and I was like, holy shit, it's the Fentanyl 5. Kick ass. Then one of them corrected me and I was like, Kick ass. Then one of them corrected me. He was like, "actually, we're the crack street boys.". I was like, "fair enough.". And he started heating up a spoon to exactly 98 degrees. I was like, "what the fuck?". Then I got flashed by the same h…

Howdy. I don't have any kids, so to make sure that happens I like to practice extra safe sex. That's when I pull out and cum in a dude. That was just a joke, uhhh to any gays in the audience, sorry for the stolen valor. My parents had me at an old age where the doctor told my mom that she should get an abortion, because I was gonna come out blind, deaf, and retarded. His words. Instead, I came out half blind, half deaf, and I'm pretty sure I'm autistic. I can't afford the test, so I'm taking everyone else's word for it. Hell yeah. I got called out recently by my cousin. He was like, "man, you cry harder over celebrity deaths than…

What's up, y'all it's good to be here looking like a disgraced youth pastor - I'm happy to be here, I Just got back from Atlanta y'all. Weird place a lot of black people. Yeah, I did find out that all the black men in Atlanta are gay, which was weird. Yeah, but also all the white people are on drugs in Atlanta. So it's like this weird racist freaky Friday, like what the fuck did Tyler Perry do to that town is what I want to know. But uh all those gay black dudes are still gangster. They're gangster as fuck boy. They stole my car and my heart in Atlanta, they fucking, they got me. Yeah a lot of people say once you go black you nev…

so I was manning the door at an establishment here on 6th street, with a fatty deterrent system in place and as I stood at the bottom of them stairs, gorgeous young thing cut me with those spaghetti straps silky number on with no bra and half brass hanging out, and she has of age so I sent her upstairs and might have inadvertently, found myself gazing up upon her undercarriage. And I held my gaze a little longer than anticipated, and in those 20 seconds I could tell you with absolute certainty, that she is not one of those butthole bleaching bitches and also she has dynamite pussy. I see the little white fuse sticking out of pant…

I'm 4% Nigerian. That means I can say the N-word every 50 days or so. I'm married, I do most of my own laundry, I do all the cooking, I do most of the cleaning, and I pay most of the bills. The only reason I'm still married is because of the sex, the wonderful sex I'm having with her sister. I don't wanna screw that up. I've got a real... She's not even that hot. I've got a real creepy uncle. My mom hoped that he wouldn't rub off on me, but he did it anyway. I don't like to text and drive. It makes it way too difficult to watch porn and masturbate. You will never catch me drinking and driving because I'm that fucking fast.

Hey, it's cool to be here, but a lot of people hype Austin up like it's the promise land. As soon as you get off the highway, you run into packs of motherfuckers sleeping together, drugged out begging for money and them just the comedians. Don't get me started on the homeless people. I'm sure there are good people on both sides. This is Texas, all right? This should be a safe space. Is it just me or trans women getting a little too powerful? Hear me out, they're kicking women's' asses in sports and dating apps. In a short amount of time, we went from, "it's ma'am", to, "will you suck my lady penis?". Like, bro, maybe, maybe. But…

If you have a miscarriage when you're married, does that make it a Mrs. Carriage? I'm gay. How gay are you? You guys want to do that? We'll do that. I'm gay. "How gay are you? [audience shouts]". I am so gay that I love cock in my ass. I am gay. I'm a bisexual woman. I celebrate my bisexuality the best way that I know how. That's, of course, by having a boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, but he hates me. The other night, we were having sex, and it was getting pretty hot. So I was like, fuck me like a whore. And then he just kept fucking me the same exact way.

Hey, black guys. If you don't want me to say the N-word, can you stop making it the best part of the fucking song? Call it fucking Freddie in Paris, fuck! I mean, to be fair, I can feel the N-word coming back. I think, I think we're like five years out. Hold on, brother. We're gonna have to, we're gonna get that some fun again. I mean, cancel culture's over. You know, everything's coming back. Remember when we couldn't say faggot and retard? Yeah. Retard went away for like a week, huh? After that, we were like, fuck it. And also, let's be honest, the retard don't get upset. If he gets upset, give him a banana he's fucking... [loo…