Kill Tony #686

Make some noise if you're into having unprotected sex. So were my parents. I'm actually starting to incorporate magic into my act. [Random background noise] - that's the magic. Have you heard about 9/11? I wonder like, what if the terrorists hijacked a shitty airline, like a Spirit or a Frontier. I'm sure the passengers would have though, this is what I get. I knew it. The terrorists would have been like, "Woah, this is really easy to do". And nobody would think it's a terrorist attack, they would think it's a shitty airplane crash.

So recently I went on a road trip from Salt Lake City Utah, to San Antonio Texas. It's about a 2-hour drive, and I got pretty lonely so I figured who can help me feel not so lonely... I decided my ex. So I sent her a text like, "Hey I'm on a road trip and I'm feeling kinda lonely so can you maybe give me a call or something". And about 20 minutes goes by, and I get a little buzz on my phone while I'm driving, and I look down and it's her. I was so excited and she sent me a phone number, and underneath the phone number it said "This is the phone number for the Utah suicide hotline". I've never felt so humbled and yet to rejected a…

I found out that Hellen Keller's father, was the captain of the confederate army. So I guess that bitch got what she has coming. Because if she could speak should would have said the n-word entirely too much. Then again I'm not sure she had the capacity to be racist because she was also blind. So everybody was black to her. The fucking horrors... Listen, I think you should be able to say all the slurs. We're just having fun, we're just goofing around. But there is one slur you shouldn't say, and that is the n-word. Because if you do say it and you're not supposed to, they're gonna start acting like one. We don't need that kinda c…

I'm very socially awkward. It's hard, especially in the bedroom, it's never a good time. The other day this guy, I was giving him the gluck-gluck-5000. The sloptimus prime if you will sir. And he started dirty talking with me, he was like, "Yeah, how's that dick taste?". Which, first of all, don't ask. Don't ask unless you really wanna know, and he wanted to know. So I thought I'd give him a restaurant review. So I hit him with that Gordon Ramsey, I came up for air and I was like [smacks lips], "No, too much cheddar. Back to the kitchen". And he blocked me, so I guess that's it.

I was just in Reddit Pennsylvania, that place is terrible. Don't wooh for that, don't wooh for that. That place is God-awful n*gga. I hate that place so much, it reminded me like if the Civil War went through there and they were like, "We don't gotta build no more". It's over they stopped building, that place was terrible. That joke didn't go well, aight next joke. I seen the Amish, now listen. I know I talked about wanting to fuck the Amish last time, and I really did, I wanted to fuck one for real. I really wanted to. And then I went up close, I went to a like Amish farm for real, and let me tell you something. They ugly as fuc…

So I've been to so many music festivals, and I'm telling you this. I've done so many whippets, I've gained control of my moustache hairs guys. I am Doctor Zoidberg up in this bitch. Yeah. So anyways, anyways. Shut the fuck up, let me get through my fucking set [at audience]. Anyways... Anyways... Anyways... [pulls annoying and random faces to large crowd boos]. So here's an impersonation for you. So here's Hell's Kitchen if Smeegle was Gordon Ramsey. "I bought the tasters for you sir, these are the tasters for you sir" [bad Smeegle voice].

What the fuck is up Texas. I'm a Mexican from Alabama who doesn't speak Spanish, let's fucking goooo. Hell yeah, I wore this shirt so you guys would pay attention to me. As a bigger girl what I don't wear is though, is animal print, I fucking refuse to wear animal print. And I'm gonna tell you why, if you're gonna wear animal print, let's not be the same size, as the animal that you're wearing. Super fucking confusing. I live in Florida, fuck Florida. Hell Yeah. I fucking hate Disney though, I hate Disney so much, and It's not because of all the gay shit. I hate Disney because of the cultural misguidance in their fucking movies.…

I'm bilingual. Let me tell you guys something, if you're bilingual, you'll never be perfect in both languages. The other day the homie was like, "Look at that guy with the glasses and the beard, that you're doppleganger". I was like, hey bro, I don't be doing that, hold up. He was like, "That's you're lookalike". I was like bro, look-a-like three syllables, doppelganger, 4 syllables... Unnecessary-freaky-ass word. I was in New York with two dudes arguing. It's the only place where this kind of thing happens. one of them was like, "Charlie, you're being antisemitic". I was like damn, that couldn't be me, I don't retain no semen. T…

Eyy. I don't know if you guys can tell from my moustache I've been a musician for 17 years. As a musician, I gotta say I love what heroin has done for music. Hate what it's done for taking a nap in the car. Like maybe I'm just tired in this Walmart car park. Not everything is a tragedy, I'm sick of being woken with Narcan. You see me asleep in my car, you open the door and hear the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, it means I OD on weed, leave me alone. If you're Allison Chains maybe you can save me, you know. "Come the man, with no cock [singing]". Never tried heroin, I tell people that and they were like really, and that hurt my fe…

Nice. Like to give you guys a beat just to take this in, I know it's a lot of face coming at ya. Lot of sharp angles going on... Kinda like somebody strapped a triangle to a block. Can feel some of you are wondering how I can look like Beavis and Butthead... How is it both? I got this haircut, I looked in the mirror, I was like ohhh, we made a decision. I'm rolling with it though, I wanna play it to my advantage, I wanna start doing some gentle thievery around town. Just as a prank on the police sketch artist.

I just moved here from Chicago. We got the 9 months of seasonal depression. Do you guys even get that here, or is it just regular depression for you guys? We have those telltale signs you know, we get lethargic and you don't wanna do anything. I know when I'm getting sad because I start masturbating face down again. I do it on the couch too dude, and you put your face between the cushions because it muffles the crying right? "I miss my dad [sad voice]". We can't just kill ourselves though can we, that's the easy way out. So I go on a lot of road trips, that's what I do. You guys ever notice those crosses on the side of the road,…

Did Mossad just drop the song of the summer? You know that mixtape must be fire if you start listening to it on a walkie-talkie and it explodes. In Haiti, apparently they don't have animal shelters, they're called all-you-can-eat buffets. Here's a quote from Kamala Harris' running mate Tim Walz from this past weekend, "we can't afford 4 more years of this, wait what?". Holy shit, dumbass. Remember the rumor that Mr Rogers had slave tattoos and was a sniper in Vietnam, it gets worse. He was pro-life. I imagine if today Mr Roger was like, "I'm pro-life, I support the children", you would be like, "you hate women". [Goes into song].…