Kill Tony #696

I'm in college. College is cool. I like it because it's a time when you can learn things about yourself. Like I recently found out that I'm asexual. Okay... I'm asexual so I'll sleep with any of my professors for a good grade. Except if they're women. I'm a straight-A student, uhmmmm. No yeah, I'm a straight-A student. A lot of girls my age have sugar daddies. I dunno I couldn't do it, it doesn't seem right. Like my dad also has diabetes, but I would never sell his insulin to pay rent. I'm like too scared of reaching for one of the needles and it pokes me, and now I have diabetes. I can't afford diabetes - $35 for a pair of socks…

So I recently got kicked out of the hair club for men, cuz I recently shaved my head. But it's okay cuz I've been asked to join some other clubs, I think cuz of my algorithm I've been asked to join pool leagues like the Q-Balls and stuff like that. But I reached out to Make-A-Wish, cuz it looks like I'm now suffering for cancer. And I won't be able to make my next minute cuz I'll being going to Disney World with Joe Rogan. But yeah things have been changing for me, I used to have a crazy combover, uhmm so it's been just opening my eyes to new things. I was just on last week so my episode hasn't come out yet, so i had a joke that…

I am aware that I look like one of Joe Rogan's sperm. I look like an Oompa Loompa that joined the Nazis. So I think the reason why police officers don't have turtles as pets is you can't kneel on their necks. I saw this homeless guy with a sign that said, "Hot Hungry and Homeless". That's pretty self-absorbed if you think you're that sexy just have some sex and get out of poverty. I mean if Kamala Harris did it, why can't you? I think the only reason why white guys date black women is to ensure that they're kids do have bigger dicks than them.

Used to live with a couple guys that were super into like Star Wars and Marvel. Don't get me wrong, those are great movies. But do you guys know how hard it is to get laid when your front doormat says, "All Jedis Welcome". Like I thought we were friends man, who's side are you on. It was a nice brand-new apartment, I wanted to show it off, but it was decorated like it was the set of the 40-year old Virgin, it's really unfortunate. Do you guys know that pussy-dehumidifiers are a real thing. Turns out it was actually just my apartment, I dunno. I recently found out that my neighbor is a black beautiful queen, and I'm not the smooth…

I've been going to the gym recently, it's like a new thing for me, like the last 2 weeks. I have ADHD so it's hard to stick to a routine. And I've only being going for 2 weeks and I'm realizing I'm already encountering an ego problem. Like I'm finding myself shirtless in the mirror listening to Beethoven after a workout. And I can hear an ego demon gassing me up from the back, and he's saying things like, "[demon voice] look at what you have become. Look, at what you, have become. They used to make fun of you. You used to wear your t-shirt in the pool. With your little Asian nipples, poking through. But soon my child soon, the mo…

[Wipes microphone with a towel after previous comedian] I'm glad you'll liked that little gag cuz I am not ready, I'll tell you that much. This minute, it's funny cuz I been trying to figure this minute out, and I don't know how to tell it for real. All I know is, I used to be a bully, right? I used to hurt people a lil bit when I was at elementary school and middle school and shit like that. And I would get suspended all the time. And one day they wanted to call my parents, and they didn't understand that I was doing all this bullying cuz my parents aren't the best parents in the world, you know what I'm saying. And she wanted t…

So Trump was elected president. But yet Biden, is still in the White House, like I think this is really awkward. Like, you ever been in a relationship that ends before the lease does. One of you is on the couch, the other is in the bedroom. Every time you come out they're just like, "alright listen, now come on man. The guy you're with, he's garbage, hear me out. Just hear me out.". Lotta women now apparently are going celibate. To protest Trump's election. Which I just think is crazy you know, just when you thought they couldn't get any worse at driving. Recently saw a sticker for a Zen competition. How the hell does this work?…

Hello everybody, my name is Eleazar. He tried his best. Yeah I probably shouldn't have smoked before this. You guys ever smoke and then feel like you're gonna have a heart attack. I gotta stop smoking meth. Nah I'm kidding, but I grew up a Jehovah's Witness. Oh that never gets the reaction. Usually even Mormons are like, "yikes". So I made stuff like my birthday recently really weird. I just recently turned 34...thanks. I've been freaking out about it. Felt like I hadn't had enough sex in my life, so my last month of being 22 was just trying to go on as many dates as possible. And this last date I went on this girl was like, "loo…

So I'm a originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody who looks like this to say. Yeah I fitted in a lot better since I moved to Austin. But, most people who are born and raised in Miami feel like any place is better than Miami. No it's like most places. But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter. And you know what's not better than Miami? Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter. Even the bridge was like, fuck this I can't take it anymore. Let's be honest, Baltimore is just Detroit that got crabs, that's it. Uhmm and when I moved to town I only knew one person in town, which was a…

Ahhh the whites.... Ey a lot of people can't tell by looking at me though, I like to tell people this all the time, I'm actually mixed myself. My mama's white, my dada's black. There's a lot of pros and cons to being a mixed kid. Like the biggest con to being mixed, is I've got high blood pressure and mesothelioma - that's fucked up. Y'all laughing but someone don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. And here's the best part, this the part I like the most. I have a big dick and a high credit score. My eyes up here n*gga get the fuck outta here. All right I'm lying listen... My dick is huge but my credit is fucked up son. My dad…

Do you ever see like a super cut homeless guy, and just feel terrible about yourself. Fuck the gym I'm gonna start fighting my demons on street corners. That's some high-intensity interval training right there. I had a date recently, it was a first date. The topic of hobbies came up, now, I like hunting, but what's worse is I can only really afford to hunt squirrels. Yeah I mentioned that and uhmmm there's nothing to gain by admitting you're a squirrel hunter on the first date. That is a lose lose situation if you're wondering. Cuz they always respond like this girl did, which was oh my God get this redneck away from me. Or, they…

I'm not even goth I just dress like this cuz my ex used to hit me. Every once in a while somebody will come up after the show and be like that's awful you don't deserve that, and it's like get to know me better you know. It's my fault, it's totally my fault. Not just cuz I talk back, but it's my fault cuz I dated a pimp for 4 years. That should have been a fling, yeah my dumb ass tried to turn a trap house to a trap home. Calm down, he wasn't black Texas, I'm Italian I couldn't do that my Italian family you know. Like I could take a criminal home, but I'm not gonna push it. It is embarrassing, he was half Italian half Jewish. Per…

Tony first off you know I'm not a virgin and you know I don't smoke a vape pen. And also I just hope that the girl that was just on realizes that I think a lot of the time psychiatrists are just psychopaths, so I hope she realizes that. I tried to join a gang, but I couldn't even pass a background check. Despite repeatedly saying he would never do it, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, and I'm going to honest, I had no idea that knocking up a stripper after having sex with your dead brother's widow was a crime. And also shoutouts to Hagrid in the crowds tonight [points to audience member], it looks like we got Hagrid from Harry P…