Kill Tony #697

H O T T O G O. Hot to go, sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food. My Spotify wrapped says my top song for 2024 was crop dusting the funeral home during visitations. The guy who shot the united healthcare CEO in New York City was caught today in a McDonalds in Pennsylvania. Apparently he was meeting with the Hamburgler to get some tips on poisoning people. I'm planning a bar mitzvah and at the last minute the rabbi comes and cancels on me because we're not Jewish and I don't have a son, so yeah, I'm back on the Hammas train.

Yip yip. Yeah so, about a year ago I got a lap dance... from a guy. And I came... in... my... Couple of a days later I downloaded the Grinder app. Within an hour I was getting head in a parking lot. Ten other messages from dudes within a 1 mile radius begging me, to suck, my, dick. You know? It's always looked like the gays are having more fun. After extensive research I've come to conclusion that theory is correct. I mean, my life is so gay I might as well be fucking dudes. Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual but, I can't keep going along with this farse that I'm in some stale made tie where all of y'all for being the straightest m…

I really just, I miss being a kid. Cuz you were young and dumb, you didn't have to have it all figured out. When I was a kid I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet. It really shouldn't have been a problem but my dad was a pediatrist. Told my whole 5th grade class, when I grow up, I wanna be a pedophile like my dad. I saw a pretty interesting stat online the other day I don't know if you guys know this, apparently conservative men consume the most trans porn... Thought it was an odd way to find out I'm a conservative.

Somebody outside told me I look like I play in a Weezer cover band, so that's cool. You guys I got married [crowd woos]. Oh, thank you so much I appreciate that, then I got divorced [crowd woos even louder]. Eyyy there's always a bit of a bigger cheer for that one, statistically that makes a lot of sense so... Don't cry for me I got the house in Tahoe after the divorce, and by that I mean I live in my Chevy. My ex and I are actually still good friends, turns out she's a lesbian. Not saying that like a vindictive man, like she's actually a lesbian and people ask me, "Joe, was there any indication? Anything that would have told you…

How you feeling guys? Are you feeling guys? I know Tony's is. Anyway, I am 11 months sober... from marijuana. Yeah, look at that nobodies happy for me anymore. People are like boooo. But that's only because you hear the good stuff, you know, they never talk about the negative. Like you notice that it makes you stop dreaming. [Points to audience member] You, have you noticed this? Of course not, you're toasted right now. Big dreamer right here. Guys I'm from Colorado, what if like my whole state isn't dreaming? What if Martin Luther King Jnr. was from Colorado. He would have never had that dream dude. We would be peeing in differe…

I'm still trying to do like the acting thing or what not. And I had like a audition from a role a couple weeks ago, and it was for a drug dealer so, right on time right? So I thought I had it in the bag, and then I got there and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude, right? And we was reading our lines and shit and he was reading them with me, but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend. That's crazy, right? So I'm saying my lines and what not, I'm like, "ey bitch handover the drugs", and then his line is, "oh my God, I love you so much.". And every time he said that, I laughed cuz that's funny. And he'd be like, "you g…

So when I was in high school girls would play this game called Fuck Marry Kill. And it's like where you make a list on who would you rather fuck, marry or kill. And one time this girl made a list of me, Shrek and the donkey from Shrek. Yeah guess who got killed...? The girl who made the list... Yeah so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook. Because I have his password... I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex, and she kept saying, "is it in yet?". And as a man that's not something you wanna hear... when you're fisting your girlfriend.

How y'all doin? How the rest of y'all doing? Good good, now y'all look good man it's a very diverse room... of white people. Now white people make some noise [crowd cheers]. Now black people make some noise [a single woman screams]. Don't make no more noise bitch, that shit was crazy n*gga. Now look okay, okay lemme get into it. i just went bowling with my grandfather man, 70 years old, we can give it up for that. Yeah yeah, he whooped my ass though, beat the shit outta me. After he beat me he got in my face, he said, "that's how you bowl n*gga.". My grandad's white by the way. Like my racist grandad, he look like you n*gga I ain…

So I was in the HEB parking lot the other day, and I almost got hit by that thing. I forget what it's called, but it's kinda like the human centipede, except for shopping carts. Oh ah, the train, the train of shopping carts. Yeah I'm just minding my own business and all of a sudden a train ran on me. Pain in my ass you know. I don't know a train would be a lot, but give me a threesome any day. Specifically one with two girls. I feel like a threesome with a dude is kinda like going to a diner, and you order a sandwich and you get a big pickle on the side with it... It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle, I don't really want the pi…

What's up? I'm Jamie. Feel like I look like Ariel if she collected vibrators instead of forks. Thanks guys. Despite how I look, I do love my dad. I love my dad so much we share a one-bedroom apartment together. I hear some of your reactions, I see your faces. You're like how does she do that? Fuck my dad, ahhhhhh. No that's crazy perverts all of you. No it's easy, I stay in the master bedroom, my dad stays on the mantle. Yeah I'll let that sink in. Ahhh you guys thought I had red hair and a dad, come on. No I have an OnlyFans... R.I.P. he's proud. I would sell my voice just to hear my dad say I love you one last time.

Hello, hello. Thank you for having me. Uhmm. It's my birthday today if you can believe that. So I was gonna try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up, but I had to let karma, let karma work it's way out and I can't believe I'm the last bucket pull tonight. I only have one joke prepared and it's about Michael Lair. If we could just all bow our heads for a minute. I'm ugly Jesus, sorry. So it'll be about a year since Michael passed soon. Actually the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide. That was Halloween two years ago I think, a…

Hellooooo. I have a confession to make. I... Eat... Ass. I'm tired of hiding it ladies, don't hide your asshole, my tongue is going up... that.... ass. If you're a lady with a guy that doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong? Mmmmm a little poo poo on your mouth, hmmmm ooooh a little poo poo? Gay boy. I don't give a fuckkkk. I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official! Squirt is piss. I was at home I was like, I guess I'm a toilet. I don't give a fuck. Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth, as soon as possible. Anybody on their period? Save the tampon. I wanna make some tea later.