Kill Tony #703

Oh, shit, time for the Jewish portion of the show, guys. Lock the door, gas the room, let's have a good time, okay? Oh, man, I love being Jewish in Texas, guys. I'm exotic here, dude, I am. I've been making shit up, dude. I've been telling people, we still eat babies. I'm having a good time, man. Oh, you guys didn't like that, okay, that's fine. It's okay, man, I was an angry kid growing up. I got in some fights growing up. One time at camp, this kid hit me in the head with a ping pong paddle, so I kicked him in the balls. And like, I know that's a cheap shot, but I was such a bad counselor. Okay, I'm trying to learn how to fight…

All right, what's going on, y'all? I just learned something for the first time. I probably should have known this. Maybe you guys know this. Did you know that Muslims are sober? They don't drink at all. None of them. That freaked me out. Like, even like Muslim terrorists are still sober. They're just drinking shots of milk, talking about death to America. Like, Jesus, that's scarier than thinking if they were smashed. I don't know, man. Maybe they could use a glass of wine, you know, calm the nerves a little bit, you know? I gotta talk for 60 seconds. I had two whiskeys back there. But if I had to do what they had to do, if I had…

I'm 46 years old and I'm six years overdue for getting my prostate checked. I hate doctors and I'm terrified to get the procedure done because I haven't had a man put a finger up my butt since I was a Cub Scout. For those of you that cringe, do not cringe. I was a loose boy, I was a loose boy. I was a slutty kid and I fucked my way to the top of the Eagle Scouts. I jerked off a scout leader with a Nintendo Power Glove in the back of a 1986 Ford Escorts. And that's how I became the youngest Eagle Scout in history, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I'm a veteran, I'm a veteran, and I go to the VA medical system for my healthcare a…

What's up, Austin oh No, I'm already cut off all right Man, I lost my virginity to a death girl And it caused this really weird fetish for me. I don't like deaf chicks, but I am a sucker for that accent It's okay they can't hear us I have this really scientific job. I run these experiments recently I experimented with cocaine I Just I took a really small amount of it and turned it into a habit. And you know I also had this a gig as a porn star for a while I did his courtroom themed porno adult films my stage name was pro bono attorney at Raw I Was just going around introducing bitches to the penal system. You know pounding that g…

I don't even want to touch this microphone, nigga. We should just stop the show at Jason. It's not going to get no better than that, nigga. It made me angry how he started with, what's number three? I had a finger in my asshole. He has to die. I think people like that should be murdered and put on a list somewhere, dog. He scares me with my whole heart. There's no topping that nigga. I know I got a lot of shit about crackheads. All my doors are mainly about crackheads. And it's funny to me because I was thinking about it the other day when I was real high and I was just like, man, it's fucked up. Because most of y'all deal with c…

I got my Uber on the way here, and it was a lady driver, so you know, I buckled up. Not just because she was a woman, I'm not a sexist, she was also Asian. Not that Asian people can't drive, they can, and that's the problem. Really, I'm not that Asian, I'm not that Asian. Relax, relax, I'm kidding, it wasn't an Asian woman, it might have been an Asian man, I couldn't tell. No, I hate Ubers though, I fucking hate Ubers. My worst Uber driver ever. Made me walk two blocks in the rain to get to the car. Loudly fought the entire ride with someone named Shut the Fuck Up Bitch, where I ran multiple red lights, almost hit a person, and t…

You guys look like you fuck with rap music, right? Yeah. Cool crowd, okay. You guys remember rapper Mystical? Shake your ass, watch yourselves. Show me what you're working with. That guy, Mystical? Mystical was my favorite rapper when I was a kid. It wasn't for the bars, because he wasn't great. It was more the fact that I found out he was a combat engineer during the Gulf War. Mystical was a fucking minesweeper. I liked to play this game where I imagined Mystical out there leading his troops during the Gulf War while preparing for his future rap career. You guys, hey guys, hang back real quick. I gotta make sure it's clear. It's…

I've been getting into a lot of arguments recently, most recently with my girlfriend. She snatches food off of my plate all the time, and her excuse is always, oh, come on. There's no yours or mine. It's all ours. I'm like, well, if that's how you feel, why do you get so upset when I try to put a thumb in our butthole? I also got into it with a friend of mine. I thought she was telling me a joke. She told me that her cat had feline AIDS. I didn't think it was real. So my first thing that I said was, I didn't even know your cat was a slut. And she goes, that's not how they get it. That's not how they get it. And I was like, what d…

Hey, what's cracking, Kill Tony? How we doing tonight? We doing good? Yeah, I feel like as a comedian, I have a lot in common with strippers, you know? You ever seen a stripper bomb on stage? God damn, dude, not even a dollar or something about you, girl? God damn, dude. I remember one time I told this stripper, I was like, hey, girl, you know I can save you from this lifestyle, right? And then she showed me her bank account and I was like, hey, actually, can you save me? No, man, I have bad taste in women. I remember one time I was at the beach and I fell in love with this blonde girl, you know? I went up to her and she had dre…

How y'all doing? You good? That's what's up. I hate going home for the holidays. Mostly because every time I go back they ask me the same shit. It's Rob, when you gonna bring us some randbabies? Which I never know what to say to that. Cause I don't know how to put a time table on an accident. You feel me? Cause I'm not gonna do it on purpose so they're basically asking me, Rob, when you gonna get into a car crash? Like it's not on the vision board at the moment. I don't know what to say to these people. You feel me? Like what's the math on that? How would I explain it? The math, like what's the math on that? Probability? What is…

Hello! Hello! Hello! I went to North Carolina Asheville this weekend. It got hit by a horrible hurricane. It looked like a post-apocalyptic movie but then I went to the hotel room and I looked at Asheville before. I gotta tell you the hurricane didn't do that much. Even the hurricane was like, oh shit! Somebody already did this. LA is on fire! LA! Oh my god! So sad! Where the pedophiles gonna live now? Where are we gonna fuck the kids now? Eat my ass LA! They asked me for a dollar at Whole Foods yesterday for the relief fund LA. Who's that dollar gonna go to Mel Gibson? Fuck you. I don't feel bad for people who lost a house becau…