Kill Tony #751

I, someone dmd me and they said, fuck you. Fuck the Jews. I don't support bombing hospitals. And I was like, yo, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no part in that. If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people that that's, I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. Didn't go great. Alright, cool. Oh, I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ick that I pee sitting down. So I got upset with her. Okay. And I said, if you don't like me peeing sitting down, you should see me pooping. Standing up also didn't go as great as I t…

Hey, people keep asking me why I did jig Paul dirty in the sixth round And I was like, come on bro. I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing though. Rest in peace to George Foreman. Boxing Legend died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman? Yeah. Notably known for naming all his kids. George Foreman. Even even the girls. But also the George Foreman Grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman Grill. Right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman Grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floyd and Grill it. It's sort of like the George Foreman Grill, but…

Hey everybody. So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at following through on things like I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself wound up with a choking fetish. The the rope broke from the ceiling but I shot a few more. Right back up there. You never know when you're gonna find a new hobby. Like you think anyone ever found out they're good at park horror by attempting suicide and they jump from the building than the moment before impact. They tuck and roll. Some French guys show up, homing starts playing. I think it's a much more likely something's attempt attempted parkour and found out they're…

So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here and the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon, I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew. So I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you. So much more supportive than my parents. I appreciate they hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like I loved showing up with googly eyes. As pasties. Turns out men don't like it when…

So are we just gonna act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're, okay. Perfect. I don't know if you guys heard he actually changed his name. He's Kanye Swet. Yeah. Kanye. Which is crazy. Like he said, he was done making music done, making controversial statements. He's actually gonna open a chain of all natural grocery stores. He's gonna name a Trader Jews. I don't, I think it's problematic to say the least, but I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. Like I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions. You know, because then their tagline could be, when you're here you were almost family. That's speaking…

Oh my God. What you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival in Kennesaw, Georgia called Shaky Boots Festival? Yeah. No, I only found that out 'cause when I walked into the venue, A, a dude ran up to me outta breath and he was like, Hey my nigga, you know you outta uniform, right? And I was like, nah, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Sheldon. I love Kenny Chesney. And he was like, nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car. And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. And I showed him my ID And I showed him my badge and he looked at my ID and he looked at my badge and he looked at me and he…

Do y'all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh my God, this is so big. Did y'all hear Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah. So six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day, told the girl I was a comic and she said, no way. I'd love to see you perform some time. And I said, well we should probably have sex first so you can appreciate just how long. Five minutes really is. It's a long time. I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah, someone told me the other day. I look like a cast member on the upcoming spinoff Gaza Shore. It's just five Jews an…

Old blue hair. Ladies. We know things by this age. I know. And I had too much to drink. I like you youngins. 'cause diapers leak, y'all. I was a single mom with an only child And I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter, surely warn 'em. Would've failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about The T word. We had that T word back in the sixties. Y'all tomboy. Most of us grew out of it. The rest became y'all's gym teachers. Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean the nursing homes. But you know, the competition'…

I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering. But I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio dj. And not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail. All from jail prisoners must not have access to high quality paper. The pages were always stuck together. I passionate fans. There's one inmate who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters. Evidence. My husband's retired Air Force. The hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse. It's just all day every day. Banging out your partner's. PTSD. And does the military recognize…

Did you ever walk into a room and not be the craziest motherfucker in there? What the fuck is that? I appreciate y'all giving me a little time outta your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit y'all. I've been in a really, really dark place lately, but I'm about to pay the electric bill. So the futures Brian. But telling Hunter Watt jokes up here. No, I am not Ted Kozinski Jr. Y'all are insensitive. Ladies sliding in my dm. Talk about tap. Why don't you shave? Look at Tapo. So handsome. Why don't he shave? Yeah, y'all. If I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities. Right? A little rapey. We don't want…

Make some noise. Austin, let's go. I'm 41. If that last dude was 46. He is fucked up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Ah, fuck that guy man. Thank you. Thank you. Homeless dude. Anyway, I'm 40, I'm a 40-year-old comic. I hang out with 20 year olds. I went to a strip club the other night and they were all making it rain. And I tried to pay for a, my lap dance with a checkbook And I knew I was all exactly. Half of y'all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck y'all, y'all people. Yeah. This tripper was like, eh, I wanna make it rain. You gonna make it rain? I'm like, how you spell candy with a IE or a y? How you spell this…

Hey guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people that she's not racist, but she does run her fingers through people's hair when she hugs them. You can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. A couple days after that. My husband was, he was fingering me and he got on his hand. What Google told us is gray pregnancy matter. Relax guys. At least he got to hold our baby.

So everyone's terrified of ai. It's coming. Like what do you do for work, sir? Pest control business. Pest control business. You have like six months left. See, the secret is you gotta get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing dude under the Texas sun. Even AI's like, mm. Miguel. Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. I don't know about standup. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmically to do standup too. Perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't gonna say the n word.…