Kill Tony #687

I had to stop driving Uber Eats. Because I started abusing my own supply. Hence the weight gain. And if I'm you're Uber Eats driver and I've been dropping off McDonalds at your chitty college campus and you're only tipping 86 cents. I'm sorry bro, but Imma put my dick in your fish sandwich. At that point that ain't tartar sauce that's tres leches now. You wonder why the McDonalds taste so good this week, where's the recipe coming from? Oh it's cumming. Its coming from south of the border ya bitch. But yeah man this how I knew I got fat form Uber Eats, because my girlfriend spontaneously started sucking my titties in the bedroom b…

My name is Emily Wade, I'm 26 and my dad's 66. And recently he married a Ugandan, mail-order bride who's younger than me. Which has been great for my mental health, lemme tell you that. Most people got to sleep at night and they count sheep, they count cows jumping over the moon. Me? I count the number of times my dad has got sloppy from somebody who's still watching SpongeBob on repeat. And I cum every time I'll tell you. he does all this shit for this bitch that he never did for me. He paid for her rent, he paid for her car, he paid for her college. I had to drop out twice because I couldn't afford to go back to school. If i ha…

So I was thinking the other day, just pondering. Thinking to myself, where there any retarded kids on Epstein Island. Like do you think there are retarded kids on Epstein's Island. yeah. Can I ask you another question. Do you think it's better to molest a normal kid or a retarded kid? You don't have an answer? Pussy. I'll tell you. Cuz there is a right answer. It's retarded kids for sure. You agree? It's retarded kids for 2 reasons, reason number 1, there too goofy to testify. Where did he touch you? I like fire trucks. And reason number 2, a lot more drool. I don't know if you've ever fucked a dry kids but, but it's annoying.

My friends used to call me gay. When I came out as trans, they begged me to go back, to being gay. Apparently, if you've sucked a dick, that's pretty gay. But if you suck a dick while wearing a dress, that makes it super gay. Sometimes people ask me, "hey are you trans?". And i will go, "yes, but if you guess it wrong, I'll have to fist you". And lastly, it's not easy being trans so sometimes I joke with my boyfriend about how much easier it would be for me to transition from a taker to a giver. He immediately offered to help me transition from alive to dead.

I was on Amazon, tttttttttttttoday. Look up electrictttttronics. I've found some explosive deals on ppppppppppaigers and cccellphones. They won't shhhhhhhhhip to Lllllllebanon. I was too scared to call cccccccustomer service. Thank you.

Any adoptees in the house? That's what happens when you fail the SAT. I got a 2400, I was 3-years old and I thought that shit was pretty good. Not good enough for Asian parents, fuck that man. Ship your ass to America, where the only people that can afford you are white people. Thank you Bob and Donna. Any white people who grew up with Bob and Donna, thank you man thank you. We'll eat anything man, so ladies get with an Asian. I don't care what you think about our fucking small dick stereotype. Lotta people eat dogs, but I'll tear that lil kitty up. We'll do whatever it takes fuck that. It's not always like fresh fellas, it's not…

This is fun. I saw this tranny walking 6th street earlier. She actually tripped over her dick, yeah she tripped over and scraped up her lady penis. She bruised up her big lady titties. Women am I right? Uhhhm, I think it's really ironic how black people call there cars whips... Like I'd never pull up with the homies and my taxes, you know what I'm saying? It's a lil on the nose.

Hey, good to be here. I got a girlfriend now, sorry fellas. I was doing Tinder for a while, and you know a lot of comics they talk about Tinder, it's like infamously the worst dating app ya know. But the craziest thing to me about Tinder, when I was doing that and creating my profile, Tinder makes you pick a bunch of hobbies and interests that show up on your profile. You cannot finish creating your profile without picking hobbies and interests, so Tinder gives you a big list of hobbies to pick from. I thought this was interesting, you know you can pick Black Lives Matter as a hobby. That's a hobby? I support BLM, ya know, but th…

Hello, my name is George Krikiric, and that's not even a joke. I am from Montenegro. And Montenegro in Spanish and Italian means a black mountain, right? Which makes me a black mountain man, or, as we like to call us a Monten*gger. Ohhh shut up, I can say it. Well if you don't like that hard R at the end you can just call me a Monten*gga, it's fine we like it. Well, you have to understand I have the right to say it because we were slaves for 500 years right, under the Turkish empire. So I heard some of you guys got reparations from slavery? So that's why this Monten*gger was here tonight, I want some reparations too.

This is my real accent by the way, I'm not actually Mexican, just wanna put that out there. Everyone calls me Hector from Fast and Furious and shit. I can't unsee it now, ya know what I mean? Like the other day I got called fucking Pitbull from down under, I'm like, what the fuck man. That's a fucked up thing to say man. It's my first time here in Texas and shit which is cool, it's not to bad. I'm not gonna lie I'm trying to hold my breath because I ran here, and I'm not that fit. I hate when people say shit like, I had some dude come up to me and say, you have very prison eyes. And I'm like do I know you bro what the fuck. And…

My name is Luke, I identify as a BBC. Badly Balding Caucasian. Yeah i had a pretty rough childhood. My dad beat me with conservative values. Yeah he's a big conspiracy theory guy too, he thinks 9-11 was an inside job. I think that's pretty ridiculous. It pretty clearly happened outside. We're a religious household too, ya know we went to church every Sunday. I was a cute kid, so i beat the priest off with a stick. Messed up, who wants to get beat off with a stick. Not that bad though we would go and get Mexican food after and it would make me feel better. Now whenever I wanna feel like I'm back in my childhood I just go and get s…

Pro tip, if you ever get to meet Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, don't ask, "which one of you is Harmony?". I used to seal the deal with girls in college by going to their apartment and offering to clean their bathroom, and then I would unseal the deal by taking a shit afterwards. I'm starting an Ultimate Frisbee Fantasy League and we're already bankrupt. One rule I did have to enforce on the league was hacky sack is illegal in the offseason. People were hurting their ankles - connection between hacky sack and fuckkk ultimate frisbee. Tony I recently invented an anti-gravity bong. It doesn't work but I was also pretty high when I invented…