Kill Tony #731

It is fucking hard. Oh, holy shit. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah, I, growing up, I didn't have any Jewish friends. Not on purpose, but I, I was never died at a Bar mitzvah. I think it's too late. You know, I think people would take notice that I specifically hung out with 13-year-old Jewish boys. I was like, no, I just wanna party with, you know, it was so a banger. But anyway, I, I circumcision started because God told Abraham to do it. He also told it to kill his son. Then he took it back as the town, so maybe he waited too long to say something, you know, he came back, he was like, oh, by the way, and you know, oh crap, you did it and…

So my birthday's coming up in a few days. I think I look great for 36. The problem with that is I'm turning 26, so that fucking sucks. I've been watching this show about Guinea pigs. It's pretty funny. Interesting. It's called The Sopranos on HBO. Perhaps y'all have heard of it. Another great show is friends, but I think an even better show is Seinfeld, because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing, that means friends is the show about Jennifer Anderson's nipples. I forgot to equate how they were similar. I'm a little nervous. I just had some sushi recently. I just had some sushi recently over in the hood at this new place called…

Dean : My name is Dean. Tony : Hell yeah. Shane : Well hold on, hold on, Hold on. Let's see if he actually, did you fix it? Dean I did. Yeah. Tony : Oh Wow. Unbelievable. min_timestamp - 1147

Islamic terrorism. I don't get it. 72 virgins. I don't even get outta bed for less than a hundred virgins. Wow. I thought this would be easier. I was so nervous back. This is my first time I was so nervous backstage. Even after I rubbed a couple out. That's right. I'm an assassin. I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires. No, we are not ven health scenes. You're not knee deep in vampires right now because of one family. I, I apologize. Hey Tits. You want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone.

Hey, I know what, what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it too guys. I feel I got the vibe of, I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. Had a, I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen rabbits Fuck a lot guys. It's pretty crazy. It's like one rabbit mining his own business. That was my white one. And then my black one would come hopping along, mount it fiercely. Fuck it for about 10 seconds and then everyone takes off running. My question guys, why does rabb…

Hi. A little bit about me or whatever. I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans. Yeah. So for 30 cents a day, you can help a short bitch pay her rent. No, I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating. 'cause they usually date white men. And that's a fucking pyramid scheme. So they just, they they just do weird shit like lie. First of all, drink Mountain Dew and prioritize themselves. I don't, I'm just too Latina for that, you know? No you don't. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that. 'cause I'm like sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes and in return they make me keto fucking pancakes

Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it. Whatever. Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really, really, really nervous at the last second. Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did. Which is, it's tough. You know? I'm molested a child. That's so, you know, they go knock, knock. Who's there? Have you heard of the child that was touched by God? Jesus Christ. He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so in…

I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. Able-bodied women are having sex with retards. I know. I am. I love him. He's my best friend. My partner in crime. My PIC. You guys heard that partner in crime? PIC. But I'm Mexican, so that would make me his S-P-I-C. It's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys? We actually just saw the Fantastic four movie. I gave a hand jo…

So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like I literally don't get any matches. And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. He's on Grindr and he is got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex. But then it dawned on me, if I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear. Like I wouldn't be as lonely. I would have better fashion sense and I'd be in great shape because you have to be strong to fuck a dude, right? It's like fucking a bear. And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better. Like, come on guys, dial in. All right, you're jacking off in…

Man. That last comic looked like Carlito from WWE didn't he? What? It's like to be cool. Nah man. Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man. I'm broke shit man. I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. I got, I feel like that's the last white racist activity. White and blacks set apart buddy. Set apart. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first, n*gga. That's what the fuck. Yeah man, I here mixing leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta call rasta. That's boom clock. Nah man. Nah. Oh man. Trs.…

So I know what y'all thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake ass Kimbo slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit? Supposed to be in the cage, beating the shit outta people. What the fuck? Recently I've been trying to get back into dating and I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally. Like I don't like when women call me daddy 'cause something deep inside me. Some something deep in my DNA just makes me wanna leave him. I don't know, it's like, It's like every time she says, Ooh daddy. I'm like, you know what? We ought the milk. I'll be right back. I'm gonna, sh…

I've been on all the mat apps lately. I know. I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash, just looking for love and McNuggets at this point. You know, I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me Subway. You know, just wanna watch SmackDown. Dude. I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out. The two women I match with looked just like me, same facial hair and everything. It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, Hey man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, Nate, you should start losing some weight, bro. You starting to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the…

Fuck yeah, mother shit. God damn. Getting real tired getting called white trash. I like thinking I'm like upper middle class trash, you know what I mean? Like we got some money with the problems. Like my sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like she had a skin tone reveal party. If you don't know what that is, it's just, she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance and they all came to the hospital and my dad held the baby up like Lion King style. It was like a skin tone like, and it was crazy 'cause like, I don't know, it sounds horrible, I have to say it, but like how good is my sister's pussy becaus…

Hello. Hello. So last time I was here I was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah. And I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that. And you know, one time I was moving this dude and I thought he had Down syndrome. So I'm looking at him weird. He looking at me weird. I'm like, man, I don't know, you know, so I'm trying to be off extra soft. And then he said like, yo, I, I went to a SU and I grew up in Phoenix. So I'm like, oh, where? Yeah, I did shrooms and I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like, wait a minute. They let people with Down syndrome, syndrome do that shit. You know, that's not normal. And the…

Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody. I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature length film. The guy seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like, how do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited of Ozzy Osborne died yet 30 years ago. I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know. I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad. If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos…