Kill Tony #690

Luck be a lady tonight. [Throws random dice] Snake Eyessss. I'm just trying to get my back blown out in this motherfucker. Put me in a little basket and push me down the river like baby Moses. I'm tryna get baptized. Man I love this city, city like this, night like tonight, it's good to get away from the fat cats on capital hill you know what I mean. I get the little grubby fingies and everything. Movies, TV, especially movies you know. Moulin Rouge, no, Moulin Asian you know what I mean. It's just crazy to think about. And you know I was watching all the Terminator movies last night which is hard because I hate machines, and I t…

Got any fans of borderline racism in the house? Yeahhh. I'm Mexican, I'm on the fence about it you know I could go either way. I like racism in fun places like pool. You go up to a pool table what do you see? Just the white ball chilling all free, and the coloured balls are all locked up right, you gotta bail them out. What happens if you're coloured and you fall off the table, back to jail you go, wait till you post bond. But when you're white you slip through the crack and go off the end, white ball privilege bro they put you anywhere on that table you want man, line me up over here, got a good shot of that red and yellow mothe…

Little about me, I'm gay, and that's a surprise, to me. Cuz I look like I trick gay men to beat them up later. All my dates just look like a hate crime hostage situation. I don't know where I fit in cuz I'm a redneck and I like doing redneck shit, I like guns, I was a commercial truck driver. But I don't really fit in with my redneck friends. I don't mesh with them politically or with their ideologies. But I don't really fit in with my gay friends either, I just fit in my gay friends. I don't know like what's up with me I'm pretty sure I was just built in a lab by the gay agenda. Like for the most part they are making dudes who c…

I had to move apartments, you ever do that sir [points at man in the audience] ? Cool. I had to move apartments because the last apartment I got was on the 32nd floor, it was one of those high-rises, with one of those balconies. And let me tell you, my mental health, is not, at a position where I can have an immediate solution, to all of my problems. Dude I couldn't even chill cuz I would just get high and look at my balcony like, [hits joint] "do it pussy". I've never thought about killing myself but I have romanticized it. I would love to myself over something minute. Like my girl gets back and shes like, "you got the wrong cof…

They didn't tell me there was gonna be boobs backstage, that's not fair. I recently got an amber alert on my phone while I was watching porn. Can't have those moments back. You ever got post-nut clarity pre-nut? Reality came rushing in real quick I'll tell ya. I was getting into it I was watching the video all of a sudden the alarm goes off, I was like "I guess they're looking for you [turns to side]". Right on. I'm sick of these woke movies guy, I'll tell ya I'm sick of them. They're getting into superhero movies now, even those are woke. Antman, what's next? UncleLady.

Well I drive a fucking piece of shit. It sucks. I drive a Honda Civic with 2000 miles on it from 2009, it's my favourite thing. It's the best. I have a thing in that car called civic superpowers. I don't give a fuck what happens in that car. Like I was driving down this street the other day and there was this guy next to me in a Maybach, it's a fucking 200 000 dollar car. He's fucking weaving to avoid potholes, he's scared and he's a fucking prisoner. I'm free like a bird. Fucking cutting people off and I'm not even checking my blind spot. I'm like, "you wanna know this, fucking balls in your court. You wanna touch me this is you…

So I recently hit 1 year clean and sober. And it's pretty tough looking like this because no one believes me. The other day this gay came up to me and told I reminded him of that cool turtle from Finding Nemo. Honestly that wasn't the first time I've heard that. Then this other guy comes up to me and tell me that I look like if ketamine was a person. I thought that was pretty accurate. I get it though... I look fried. I look like if Cheech fucked Chong and had a baby. Got time for one more? Alright guys, what do you call a gay dude that doesn't get sensitive. A cool ass dude. What do you call a lesbian that doesn't get sensitive.…

My lil sister just came out and told my dad she was gay and my dad is not aggressive, my dad is 64 years old. So he got a brother that's been gay his whole life, he's 57. My dad go, "he not gay he just confused", that's what he been saying the whole time. And my sister cam out and said, "dad I just wanna tell you I like girls.". And my dad went, "ey Imma tell you something, you been my daughter for 18 years. I love you I'm always gonna love you. Ain't nothing gonna change the way I feel about you, but you going to hell". And my sister said, "well see you in hell then n*gga". And then my dad said, "I'm not gonna be on the gay-side…

Lemme get a little oriented here I don't wanna cling on to this thing like it's my fucking dick and I'm 5 years old all night. [Random clicking noises]. You ain't ever seen a blind dude use echolocation before? It's gonna get really awkward when I start tryna touch the judges faces and do some roasting, Imma be like "ughh who got the humpty hump nose.". Or it's gonna be like Rocky Denis from Mask, I'll be like you're beautiful on the inside. Well, I'll tell you what, I get often compared to Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles and I find it to be an inaccurism, mainly because there because there is a blind Latino that's already famous.…

You think the blind guy is tripping over himself back stage. I just wanna be on a Kill Tony where everyone is healthy. I like my friends to be healthy, that's all. [Pulls out baby oil] I never go anywhere without my baby oil. [Points at random woman in the audience] Room number? P Diddy you know, in case you're travelling on the plane you always wanna have a small size [grabs small baby oil bottle]. P Diddy, I mean do you have to fuck everyone? We all have dildos in the house, but not 1300. Your wife's sister comes over, "can I put this dildo in your ass?". [Cat meow goes]. FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK. You know how hard it is to get your l…

Love it here in Vegas, don't know what you guys have against Oakland, but I feel bad for them. You took the Raiders, the guys took the aids, you guys even took the crime and homelessness. There's nothing for black people to od in Oakland anymore. Vegas is the only place you can tell people you're a magician and they don't immediately think you're a pedophile. It's like Hogwarts for douchebags. Love that the jews were blowing up the Hezbollah pagers in Lebanon. I didn't realise a terrorist had to have pagers, what are they, on-call ? I have a very liberal sister, she's so liberal that she goes to the adoption centers and tells the…