Kill Tony #719

Some people got a face for radio. I got more of a face for cuck holding. The bar the other night, older gentleman comes to me and goes, man, we love you on that Kill Tony show. We love you a lot. He said, me and my wife are here, we're new in our vows. For 30 years we've met in this bar. He goes, man, it's on my bucket list. If you'll have sex with my wife, will I watch? I said, man, you didn't want to go skydiving? You want me to fuck your wife? He said, man, I'll be willing to give you a thousand shekels for your time. I said, well, let's take a look at her, at least. So he, that's never good, you know? This fucking vending mac…

All right, how we doing, everybody? Yeah, you know, I'm pretty tall. I come up here, I'm 6'5

How you guys doing? Everybody good? Fantastic. Fantastic. It's glad... oh this is fucking amazing. I gotta take a piss so bad. I just forgot to share it with you guys. Didn't have time. Um, so I was thinking do you think Muslims ever, do you think Muslims ever say Allah is the bomb? I was just thinking about random shit all the damn time. I was thinking like the best place to pick up women is probably Planned Parenthood. Because you know there's a good chance they put out and you know things don't go well. Just a suggestion. Um, let's see. You know what fucking sucks? I've been wearing hats my whole life, okay? Because I didn't…

My name's Lucas. I just moved to Austin recently. I've been dating a little bit since I got out here. Most recently I was in a relationship with a non-binary person. Yeah, someone who identifies as they them. And it was cool, you know, We had a good relationship. I will say the hardest part about dating a they, them is we would get into arguments and I didn't know if I could hit them. You know? Yeah, like tell me which one you are. Are you a boy or a girl? You know? Can I hit you? Or can we have a beer and watch the football game? What do we... What are we doing? Thank you, guys. A little bit about my name's Lucas Hinderleiter. P…

All right, so my girlfriend's dad's dead. Fine, don't clap. No, he died, like, before I met her, and recently she told me, I think my father sent you to me. And I said, babe, I had no idea you were schizophrenic. Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was Which, I'll admit, isn't a great thing to say to your beautiful girlfriend, but do you guys know what the worst thing I could have said is? Yeah, he did. I was wondering what that energy was. It was your dead father sending me to you…

I'm proud of myself. I got a girlfriend now who's been there for eight months, and for the first time two days ago, I made that bitch cum. I'm proud of myself. Yeah. Yeah, nigga. Yeah, eight months, no cums. Nigga, nothing. We were fucking. I go, baby, did you cum? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn, good night every time. Too bad, bitch, good night every single time. But this night was different. It was different. Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms. I fucked her. She didn't come. I said, did you come? She wouldn't know. I said, damn, went to sleep, right? Only thing that was different was, earlier that day, my gir…

What's up, Austin? I am Liv. I did just move to Austin. On the contrary, I do not have two sisters named Laugh and Love. Okay, that was stupid. Sorry. Yeah, I did just move to Austin. My husband died last year, which is, you know, pretty unfortunate. But men don't like to be told that women are better drivers. So, as a woman, I've just proved my point, okay? I did always tell him I was a better driver. Unfortunately, it took for him to just take me a little too seriously. I've pretty much lost everything that's in my head right now because there's a giant that's in my head right now, because there's a giant light shining in my fa…

Here we go. Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a real man. I'm a real man. Thank you, thank you. I've been going to the gym a lot lately. I've been trying to make my workouts pertain to things I would do in real life. So every time I do a squat, I make sure to also lift my ball sack and cough. I didn't always used to be this big. I used to be really small. That was when my dad was getting the best of me. He said, uh, he said, these beatings were preparing me for life. You know, for all the other 40-year-olds who are gonna hit me with a belt and a shoe. You know, the thing is, though, he actually didn't own a belt, s…

My grandpa is not a big sports fan. In fact, I think his favorite sport is Family Feud. Because every episode they put a white family versus a black family. And my grandpa, diehard whites fan. I'll tell you that. He fucking loves those guys. I think the worst day of his life is when Steve Harvey took over. Cause he just sitting there like, the ref is on their team. That isn't fucking fair, you know? Like you think Steve is rigging the game. He's so delusional, you know? Like I'm watching a nice family-friendly show and my grandpa's watching Steve go over there like, white family, name a word that white people can't say. Err. You…

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. Eh. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. Yeah. Uh, if you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced. I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Okay. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that? Hooters? What are we gon…

Okay, so I went to get a physical the other day, right? And I get to the doctors, and I show them my insurance card, and they're like, oh, with your insurance, we can only check your sight and your weight. So they took me in the back, and they made me look in a mirror and just guess how fat I was. I'm like, oh, oh, I'm not that fat. Okay, I'm like, you're definitely gonna need glasses. Okay. Um... Okay. So, uh, so there was a lot of hot girls at the library today, but I didn't talk to any of them because it's hard to be charming when you have to whisper, so instead, I just sat down next to one, and I read, Eating Pussy for Dummie…

Oh! Wow. My favorite Kentucky Derby horse this year was Flying Mohawk. I love that name, and I think my least favorite name at the Derby this year was John Benet Ramsey's Killer. I asked Red Band if he had a horse, what would he name it, and he said, there goes the naaay-ber-hood. That's pathetic, Red Band, you fucking idiot. A morbidly obese murderer on death row is arguing that his obesity will cause him to suffer when he's executed, and that's bad because... and that's bad because...... Rosie O'Donnell says she has a crush on Lyle Menendez, who, along with his brother, has been in prison for the last 35 years for killing his p…