Kill Tony #739

I was out in New York City and while I was there, a couple of my buddies wanted to go on like a wrap tour to see where all like the Brooklyn wrappers grew up. So we went there and while we were walking around, my buddy goes, Hey man, wouldn't it be sick if we had a time machine right now? I said, why? And he goes, 'cause then we could go back in time and then be part of the culture when they were alive and walk around the same footsteps as they did. I was like, yeah, I'm all right on that dude. To be honest. You know, just as a white guy from Canada, I'm not going back to a Brooklyn ghetto in the late eighties to get robbed at gu…

Howdy. How many cans of beard does it take to kill a man? I don't know, but it only took me one to kill that 8-year-old. Speaking of cans, they never really understood the canned food drive because mean like they're homeless, right? Are they gonna open it? I doubt they have a can opener. Much less a stove. I guess they could see how many cans of food it takes to kill a man. Got a pretty good idea how many an 8-year-old can handle. You know what I mean? So I lost my dad last year to a LS. There's a, there's a lot of little sad pit stops comes with a LS. A lot of crushing moments, lots of loss. Started with his ability to run event…

Hey guys. Hey. So you can probably tell by looking at me. My pronouns are USA. I usually walk out to Bruce Springsteen born in the USA, just in case they had my passport back there. I identify as biracial because my dad is black and my mom is African American. But my body, my body is gentrifying itself. Yeah, you know you have vitiligo 'cause it starts with a couple spots and then pretty soon you don't recognize the neighborhood anymore. It's just not what it used to be. Best part about having vitiligo though, is kids always come up to me and ask me what happened to your hand? And I get to tell 'em, well, when I was your age, my…

I look like I ran here at the gym. They call me the stair master. Why is there an F in KFC? Because when you buy some hell yeah. You got F in K, FC. I should introduce myself. My name's Dex, which is cool 'cause I look like a Doug. I look like Corinthians four 20. Sometimes I think porn is addicted to me. I think Ludicrous was real skinny until he started singing Get Out The Way. That's a whey protein joke. Do you know what is really odd? Half of all integers.

So for a little while in my twenties, I thought I was gay. Turned out though I was just really, really bad with the women. I am what my daughter's generation would've called a simp, which all that means is just being nice to women. Which if you know anything about your teens and twenties, women don't want that. Or they, they're not interested in that. So I learned how to become an asshole. And now I am a father of three with two women. So it worked out. My wife is bi polar. Not the fun one, nothing. It is entertaining a little bit. It's like a psycho thriller though, not like sexy, cool, fun type of thing going on. So I am marrie…

Hey guys, how you going? You good? Good. Yeah, I'm not Well, thanks for asking. I don't know if you get a vibe. I'm not right in the head. Do you feel this? I'm Steve Irwin on math. Instead of crocodiles. I'm wrestling the homeless. You fuckheads. How good's America? Can we give it a clap? Woo. Land of the free home of the gun. My only complaint is a tourist. Why can't I get one from the airport? What the fuck's going on? I'm walking into Call of Duty without a weapon. You motherfuckers, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm getting fucking I I'll tell you, I'm, every time I'm getting on stage, I'm scaring the fuck out of people. I f…

You have no idea how much shit is on your MacBook Pro in which you haven't deleted yet. Whereas you think your iPhone, you can just delete the text and, and photos hide them. But when somebody that you've been with for let's call it 15 years, opens that MacBook Pro and guesses that password, you have no fucking idea what you said to your mom 12 years ago. You were not jacked that that girlfriend of yours was coming home demeaning or not. I would say the worst shit ever. Yeah. We, we were engaged after the ninth year called that off. Had a year and a half off. It was the best year and a half of my entire fucking life. We got back…

Stop it. That's not my language. I speak English. Okay, let's go. In the middle of the pandemic, people start to hate Asians in this country. A lot of bitch ass Asians were scared. My Chinese mother was one of them. She called me up, she goes, Hey Fecha, don't go outside. It's dangerous. I'm like, mom, don't be a little bitch. I'm not afraid of being Asian. As a matter of fact, I've never been so proud of being Chinese because Chinese people make number one virus kill everybody. Should have been everyone laughing. If you didn't laugh, you might be the problem that this country is failing. I'm gonna call China after the show. I'll…

Mothership. What is up? Happy to be here guys. I wanna talk about an important issue that's going on in America. It's pretty controversial right now. You know what I'm talking about, right? Lesbian sex. These girls are doing it all wrong. I saw one with a strap on on the other girl was on her knees sucking it and the girl that was standing there was like, oh my God, it feels so good. And I couldn't help but laugh. I was started laughing. Right? And while you're coming, it's not the best time to laugh. Guys. Wish I had a time machine. Speaking of time machine segue. I why do people say if I had a time machine, I go back in time an…

Hell yeah, dude. What's going on? I got a lot of inventions I've been working on lately. My latest invention is a new breakfast cereal. The working title is, oops. Oh, shrooms. I like to eat shrooms for breakfast, dude. It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's working out. I'm down a couple pounds and I'm up a couple IQ points. So it's working dude. Hell yeah. I eat shrooms for breakfast. It makes your day a little weird. You know, the other day I had shrooms for breakfast, forgot ended up donating blood. I was like, oh no, dude. My blood's supposed to be going to help sick people, but some cancer kid is going for a ride, dude. He's gonna mee…

Got a major issue with people not getting fucking words right anymore these days. I was watching Van Jones do this interview with these four black folks that voted for Trump. And one of the gentlemen said, I like him because he's an asshole. He says what he means and he means what he says. And I'm like, that's not what a fucking asshole is. We had a beautiful movie that came out years ago called Team America World Police made by Matt Stone and Trey Parker that told us the difference between a dick and a pussy. And an asshole Pussy wants to bitch and complain about everything and make everybody miserable. Everybody an asshole want…

Yo, yo, yo. All right, so I'm meditate a lot you guys. So here's some thoughts I've had while meditating. Do real plants look at fake plants and think, why is this nigga not breathing? Yeah. Here's another thought. It seems like a waste of earth to bury midget six feet deep, like six feet bury that little nigga in a mailbox or something. Yeah. I've also noticed that job interviewers will ask you, what's your biggest weakness? Then be surprised when you say big titties. It's like, come on, you asked. Yes, humongo Mommy. Milkers are my biggest weakness. There's a lot of white people in here.

I met a guy at the airport who told me he used to do comedy, and I said, oh, are you pretty good? And he said, yeah, I almost went viral. Wait, how do you almost go viral? That's like me saying I almost got AIDS Pro tip. When you get off a plane and walk out of the gate and the people are staring at you waiting to get on, say loudly into your phone. I've never seen so many spiders on a plane in my life. A Princeton grad student has been released from Iraq after 900 days in captivity. Damn. How long was that thesis growing up? I was told I should be a doctor because my handwriting was so bad and signing settlement checks to harass…