Kill Tony #688

Good to be here. I am pretty good at the Tokyo drift, obviously. I've been working on my Texas drift, that's where I get distracted by my phone and my car goes in the other lane. Israel is fighting Palestine, I think they're on season 3. When do the dragons come out huh? Bring on a midget or something... I can't wait to find out how to strap a fleshlight to a rumba, because then it's over for you hoes. All these fucking feminists say we have to be attracted to fat women now. Why so they can accuse use of rape too? Nowadays it's considered rude if you don't rape a fat chick. Gotta rape em...

Alright alright lets wrap this shit up. Hey white people, how you doing? Alright fuck y'all. I just moved to Austin to standup comedy. Imma move back I don't like none of this shit you got going out here, this shit weird as hell. They like, "keep Austin weird" - we can stop, y'all don't need to get weird no more. I'm cool with liberal shit, but all the fucking restaurants wanna save the trees and shit so the toiler paper hard as fuck. So when I wipe my ass, I'm like bitch is that blood, am I on my period. I'm form Louisiana, all the white girls got big booties in Louisiana, and no booties. I'm lying, I seen this one girl on 6th s…

I look like the type of girl who would have accused Harvey Weinstein of sexually harassing me. But like no one would believe me. Harvey would look me up and down and be like, "I'm sorry sweet, you're just not worth the legal trouble [Harvey Weinstein accent]". But he's a bad man, and I would be required to give testimony, and I would talk about the terrible things he said to me in the hotel room. He said things like, "what are you doing in here?", "I asked you to leave 15 times", "don't take your socks off, your feet aren't sexy", "no, I'm never gonna make you the star of Antman goes trans". A lot of guys have been calling me mid…

Hi I'm Drea Lee and I'll be your childless cat lady for the evening. Which I suppose is a step up from crazy cat lady, and since so many people are having and issue with what the definition of lady is, and I don't wanna be accused of any stolen valor. Full disclosure I have had a hysterectomy, which is for a tumor, not trans... and on a man, I like things a little more oh-natural down there... foreskin, not hair. It's kinda like a reverse mullet, little longer in the front, shorter in the back. Once I was dating a guy from a country I didn't know a lot about, so I did some research and found that 92% of the men were circumcised.…

I recently went to a art museum, and they shouldn't let me in places like that. It was terrible, I don't know how to take in art, I was looking and I was like that's just gay, I didn't have a good time. I saw a lot of titties that was cool, I counted 8 of them, I touched 3 of them, they were close. They were hard as hell. It's weird to look at art from old white people. Cuz I'm thinking to myself, why he got on a wig, and he thinking to himself, why this n*gga free? They confused, I'm confused, we just lost at the same time. It was a lot of dicks too, I didn't like that a lot. This is why I don't enjoy the dick art, like why woul…

Fucken SWIGGY yeah dude. Yeah I work at like this barbecue restaurant and like a banged this fat chick when I first started working there, but then like, years later she tried to like make fun of me and she was like, "the next morning when I woke up next to Swiggy he was all cuddled up next to me". I'm like "yeah why wouldn't I be, big comfy pillow you fat fucken bitch". Fuck outta here dude. I be treating fat bitches a lot like menthol cigarettes. You know how like all your buddies smoke regular cigarettes, you might go out and like buy a pack of menthols, that way like they won't wanna bum any off you. So I fuck fat bitches, th…

So my dad is a drug addict. It can be interesting, but it can be fun. Usually watching him try do the dishes, like bent out, just can't even handle it. He's always burning food. One of his favorite foods in Rice-A-Roni. The slogan is the San Francisco Treat. Usually I'd come upstairs and I'd just see him against a counter. Lit cigarette. Big Twisted Tea. Opening a pack of basketball cards that he got when my mom was sleeping. Tryna pull the Lebron James so he can finally get his life together. I often times go to Wholefoods, I see a lot of hot women, and I'm just glad they're finally eating.

I'm gonna give you guys a little fair warning, I just took 2 baby aspirins, so if I seem a little shaky up here, I apologize in advance. A fun fact about me, I can't really smoke weed. No matter how hard I try, 2 puffs in and I immediately start feeling Forest Whitakers' left eye. Alcohol is even worse. I don't think I've had enough hardship to properly enjoy my alcohol. But I think for me more it's the taste. The other day I had my first IPA, it was so dark I had to chase it down with a child support payment. So I can't wear plaid, I've noticed that so yeah. The other day I went on a work dinner to Benny Hana. They sat us at a t…

I've been thinking about sobriety lately. I think alcohol makes you dumb, but I think weed makes you autistic. I got a buddy that can identify any car, make or model, every time we smoke weed. We'll be driving I'll be like, "oh shit dude is that a cop?". He's like, "no that's a Toyota Sienna". Driving I'm like, "oh shit dude is that a cop?". "No that's a Ford, they stopped using Fords in'06". We'll be smoking I'll be like, "oh shit dude is that a cop?". He said, "bro you're in my living room". Lately I've been on the Delta 8 thing, you know the legal weed. If you don't know what that is, it's like classic weed with a few things r…

I bet none of you expected a white girl to pop out, did you? No? No, but it's me. Hi everybody I'm Fanatasia, I'm a mom, which is probably my favourite thing. But it's a lil tough, cuz you've gotta give tough love to these kids, cuz when we were kids the biggest comeback was, oh yeah well I'm rubber and you're glue and whatever you say off bounces me and sticks onto you, and we were like, fuck he just got roasted. And now people are like, hey on Friday I get my allowance. But to watch mom get fucked on her OnlyFans. And I'm like, I'm not prepared for that. And my daughter, she's gonna be 12 next week and she just got a phone. I'…

Hey men, stop shaming sluts. We love em. You know some guys are like, "ahh she's fucked everybody". So you mean she's an angel? I'm 32 years old, I need time on court. I don't wanna roll to a restaurant that's empty. If I see a line then I'm like, oh, what's the special? I don't wanna board a ship where it's the captain's first day out at sea. I wanna see the captain with the fucking wooden leg, eyepatch. "I've been sucking dick since Woodstock [pirate accent]". I don't want no shell-shocked virgin, approaching my dick like you're on Fear Factor. I want you to treat my duck like a bartender when he's flaring.