Kill Tony #754

Hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck her cocks. But the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give it them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot…

I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage I could really use that shit has anybody in here ever gone on fat splashing before. I'm sorry, that's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torto the Explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as tortilla.

I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary. Yeah. Which I got to say, fellas, it's the best of both world. You know, I come home from work. I'm depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat this shit out of him, you know? You get away with it. No, no, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black guy I gave him. Not the other way around, you know? You get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I was signing up 57 times. I don't know if I'll ever be back. I have to tell Austin I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look, I…

Hey, everybody. Tell us our again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I miss them. Yeah, yeah, I, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand, and I couldn't use it for a while, and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk, I was drunk, so we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left.…

I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take, and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience, Be aware, in Texas in a handful of other states, it is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If, and only if, you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, hol…

Guys, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I don't go take the Greyhound no more. One time, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I'll say it again. A n*gga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because it was cold out and I felt that n*gga big toes scraped across my tummy. And then while I awoke, that shit was right there in between his thumb toe, I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker, and he got strong legs. He got nice legs, because you know how like Daredevil, his eyes don't work, so his ears is stronge…

How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know? I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no. No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yuck. Get my fingerprints off it, yeah? I feel like guns are a lot like kids too because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money or like baby hanging off the hip at Wa…

Yo, fuck yeah. You, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. Fuck, I actually have a real-life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right, well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment, like, really bad. Like, all right, this is a text message thread between, like, me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said to it. I said, um, I said, um, Mr. Landlord, no, I said, Mr. Landlord, man, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. to fix the AC unit? And this is what he said. He sai…

Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all, that I looked like Hyde from that 70s show. And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right? Now, I'm just gonna, he did do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes, so... I just like to think that the guy, that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. Like, I love that 70s sh…

I like hot dogs, and my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tram stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 and her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite though I grew up loving the goofy movie it's a great…

What's up? Hey, cool. Okay, sorry. Hey, I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures. And then I say, swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And, you know, they're like, oh my God, I know what happened. Like, chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years. Okay. Has anyone ever used it? Flashlight? You know what? I didn't know. You have to loom it, you know? I was doing it, and I was like, this hurts. I was, I don't know if I'm not to come, but if I bleed, you know