Kill Tony #700

Wassup. I grew up in Alaska back in the 80s. Yeah, they used to tell us all the time that we were gonna get nuked. All the time they would be like, "hey if the Russians drop a nuke on us, jump under your desk.". Even as like a first-grader I was like, that's fucking dumb. And then I smoked weed and I found out why they tell you that. There's this Japanese dude and he had to go to work outta town. And he had to go to Hiroshima, and he saw a big flash and he was like, "oh shit.". And he jumped under his desk and he survived. And then a couple days later he had to go back to his hometown Nagasaki. Yeah he saw it again he was like, "…

Hello I feel like I am the crackhead version of Ari Matti in this jacket. I've been practising my jokes in front of my cats, they're tough critics if they don't like one they'll cough up a furball, haaaack haackk [mimes coughing out furball]. I'm ambidexters - I jerk off with my left hand and I write with my right hand. Sometimes I jerk off with my right hand and it feels like someone else is doing it - LIKE MY MOM. But, give my mom some credit she had schizophrenia, SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS HER PIMP. Speaking of pimps, my name is Mister G, I'm a ladies man. I'll prove it to you, I could take any woman here home with me tonight…

I drove 18 straight hours to get here tonight. I partied hard last night, went at it till wee hours of the morning. I still got the taste of regret in my mouth. That being said, do you know what a 80-year old woman's pussy tastes like? Depends, depends. My brother and I we both comes from the same small town. So he don't understand why I got upset when he bought my 8-year old son a shotgun for his birthday without my permission. He explained the gift is from him and my son can use the shotgun at my discretion. So two months later, it's my nephews birthday, his 16th. I bought him a present he opened it up in front of the whole fam…

Everybody has freak offs. White people have freak offs, they're called lifestyle parties. Mexican people have freak offs too, they're called quinceanera. 15 is not a woman Pedro. Put your dick back in your pants Pedro. You got three more fucking years in this country Pedro. Pedro's tryna turn a quinceanera to a kinkceanera Asian people have freak offs too y'all, they're called sweatshops. I'm the kind of dude who brings condoms to the freak offs. I was on a date with a woman one time and she told me she's allergic to condoms. I told her I'm allergic to chlamydia. She said the only way we can use a condom is if I go and get a lamb…

I just moved to Austin a year ago. Yeah, it's uh so gay. I mean every weekend there's a march or a parade. When I was a kid gay was like an insult. Now it's a party. Give em an inch... and they're gonna try to suck it. I'll tell you the gayest thing I've ever done, uhmm Tony was there. We performed in the La hoya comedy store and uhhh it was me, Tony, our friend Benji Aflalo. And they put us up in a hotel room that only had 2 beds. That's 3 dudes, 2 beds. Found out how to make it not gay. You just take the 2 beds, push em together. 3 dudes one bed cancels out any potential gayness...

Sup guys this is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby. Ahh gabagool [Bill Cosby voice]. It's good to be here, thank you guys thank you so much. I stopped watching the news recently I feel like they're not talking about the important stuff on the news, they're never talking about how Bill Cosby is out of prison. Never talking about how he might be Italian. They're never talking about how Shell Silverstein would be the perfect name for a Jewish turtle, you know? Don't worry guys I'm allowed to do that joke my mom is actually a turtle so it's fine, I've got the reptile pasts it's very good it's very nice. I'm a confused man a lot of…

This summer I was dating a black chick, Skeeyeee. I know that's surprising to some because I've been told I look like I've gotta pay for sex, but I don't understand why you would pay for something that you can just go take... Anyways my Nubian princess and I, we wanted to spice up our sex life so we got these little cards to tell you what to do to one another. But they were crazy. One night I got one that said, "Tie up your partner and whip them". And with that racial dynamic, I was hesitant. I fucking did it. When it was done I asked her how it was and she was like, "shhhhit it wasn't that bad and I kinda like it but why did you…

So as a strong independent woman, I really look up to other females in male dominant positions. Not just in the bedroom, but specifically in professions, occupations. but recently there was a young girl in Wisconsin who shot up her Christian school. Not the direction of woman taking on male dominant positions as I thought. Cuz when I was 15 we were just kinda getting high in the bathroom, but maybe that's just the difference between Catholic schools and public schools.

Heyyy. I'm glad we could have a woman up here. So we could call her fat and ugly. I think men are just better than women at certain things. Sports, war, ghostbusters, Oceans 11. I'm glad that Trump won cuz Asians love a good wall. It'll be good to be on the north side of it for once. Asians love walls we build them everywhere, even at the end of our runways for some reason. That guy in New Orleans tried to run over as many people as possible he couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude running into a wall. I hope you guys weren't offended, I wouldn't want your buttholes to pucker up. End up like my eyes. That's how you get co…