Kill Tony #763

What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover, you know. I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog, and use it for good, you know? Say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at, you know? Okay, I see these, a reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always a guy, working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need a motor when I had shit to do. You know, when I'm around livestock. That's, you know, okay, cool.

How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy, just real simple, easy going, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, some cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved here, like, I felt bad for him. Give him a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said, cancer, can't work. How are you going to use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born…

What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad. You know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day, though, I'm reminded of it. The other day, I was driving down the road, and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far, sorry, pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it. What else? Ladies, titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an acco…

I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feet lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal f*** doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's because they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one they call themselves an Omega Sigma alpha male. And those are just pronouns for fratiorans. pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And…

I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently, he was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile, or did you just like develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile, or were you like a really sexy kid? And I was, so you guys kidding. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day. to get a kid to come into your band, and then you finally do, and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, this never happens to me. Please…

Is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. God damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neurlink. But he says the first version of it is going to look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for two raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon. that they were breaking and vandalizing Tesla's, that's…

I got a Roomba recently. He's black. He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black bass bass? What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I pushed clean on him and he goes up and down the holes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Master keep my battery is charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet. Coonto's trying to get by. Uh. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning and he starts…

What's going on, Austin. I think too many people in this town, especially men go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern, I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. Because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm going to start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm going to go and reinvent counseling. What it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. I…

You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cock-suckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is terrible? I'll tell you it's superpowers and large, Tallywacker, cock sucker, that's... People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it because everybody's inquisitive as fuck, does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had law mowing as a course, fucking dickhead, because they knew I wa…

So I'm a poll dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name, like Miss Honeybun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like Nichols. It's like a cup, or a loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend, and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing, it's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah, at first I was like, too, I was like, but he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this, eh, eh. It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go…

I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right? They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably going to put a finger in you after because you said that, which could be fun, like, if you're into that, that's like your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now, you know? I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass? And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy wa…

Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I just stopped wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dommer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have t…

Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I got some beef for Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the dark storm of Austin, Texas, no more how y'all been treating me. Because right now, I'm homeless, and I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into, and one of the houses texting me, no matter what pay stubs, I sent them. I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay about why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigger, this is the essay. I was poor. That's why I moved here, bit…